So Long Seroquel...

Wow...I did it...I made it through Christmas fairly unscathed...Christmas Eve was spent working until 3pm, then Brian and I went to a movie as I needed to get my mind of off things.  Christmas Eve was always a time my Mom loved and I missed her.  We saw The Fighter - wicked awesome movie and I would recommend everyone see it!  Christmas Day was spent resting as I had a headache from withdrawing from yeah you guessed it - Seroquel...but I am so very proud of myself - I can now say I'm officially OFF the stuff!  It's been a long fourteen months, and it did its job for what I needed it for...but now it's time...time for me to become stronger!   The rest of my X-mas was spent with other family and friends.  They took great care of me - thank you so much...you know who you are :-)

Also, my surgery date has been post-poned to February 11th...at first I was a little disappointed, but it's all good...I think it's just the anticipation of the whole thing and really - I just want to get it done and start my new life with my new body, and mind!

So long Seroquel! - I'd like to say it's been great...but I don't need you anymore!

Small Update

Well it's been quite the week - that's for sure...I'm glad it's pretty much over because I'm looking forward to starting fresh next week! 

This time of year has pretty much always been a difficult time for me.  I kept telling myself at the beginning of this month that it was going to be different this time - that I was not going to  get my mind stuck in negativity again...but I managed to do it again.  I've been thinking a lot about my Mom lately, but the good thing this year is that I'm not stuck in a big cloud of despair - I know that nothing is going to bring her back and that she is at peace - and I miss her - I always will and will always hold her in a special place in my heart...I'm going to really try and be more positive about Christmas this year -  I will get to spend it with John and Kelley and Maggie and John's family and that will be wonderful...I will do it in small baby steps - but I will do it!

Secondly - I've had some time to think about my last post and how afraid I was about my upcoming surgery.  I've really had some time to think hard and dig deep and I know that I will be able to do this...with regards to the pre-op diet, I'm going to have my good days and bad days, but all I will have to do is just focus...focus on the big picture and not give up.  I'm so excited about what my body is going to be capable of once I lose the weight...how strong I'm going to become.

So...I'm going to start with setting some small goals for myself...my first small goal I want to achieve is to be below 300 lbs...and I'm pretty sure with my pre-op diet, I'm going to blow that away! :o)

So much excitement for me in the next coupla months and I know with a focused mind and positive attitude, it's going to be GREAT!

Frustration and Fear - insert whine here!

What a crazy two weeks it has been...

I just got back from my trip to LasVegas on Wednesday evening...I had a great time with Angela, Marlo and Naomi...they are a great group of girls and they showed me all over the place.  I needed a trip just to get away and not think about things - plus I wanted to celebrate my upcoming surgery. 

For the first time since I was selected and now have my date set, real fear has set in.  I've been trying to figure out what exactly I'm afraid of and I've figured it out. 

I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid that I won't lose any weight after the surgery.  I'm afraid I'm always going to be 325 lbs.  I'm afraid of letting the people around me down but most of all, I'm afraid of letting myself down.  You see, it still is possible for me to "eat past the band" and not lose weight...in fact, I have heard of people that have actually GAINED weight with it.  I know deep down inside of me I have this burning desire to be what I want to be...I want to be stronger and fitter - let's face it - I will NEVER be skinny...and that's okay.  What I do want though, is to just be fit and happy (and below 200 lbs)...

I'm also feeling really apprehensive about the pre-op diet.  I have to drink four Optifast shakes a day plus all of the non-starchy veggies I want.  This will total 900 calories a day.  I'm afraid I won't be able to do it...I am afraid of failing...

Now for the frustration part...I'm fed up with my body...I'm fed up with and sick to death of my effing knees and my shoulder...there are some days (lately most days) that it takes me anywhere between 15 - 20  mins to get out of bed in the morning because I'm in so much pain...I'm frustrated with all of the pain medication I have to take now in order to go about my daily life.  I keep telling myself to suck it up - my Mom went through WAY more pain than I am having...I keep telling myself that the pain will subside after I've had the surgery and lost some weight...I know...I need to be patient - it took me years to get as big as I am - it's going to take a while to get it off...

I can't wait until January 24th...that's my surgery date.  January 3rd I start the pre-op diet.  It should be an interesting experience to say the least!  At least I have Christmas and New Years to eat whatever I want - well in moderation!

I hope I can do it all...

First Lap Band Meeting and Surgeon!

It's Saturday evening...and I'm relaxing...FINALLY...

To put it bluntly, it's been a pretty stressful week - between being slammed at work, to getting my body adjusted to the lowering of my meds - it's been hard for me to keep up...

On Tuesday, though, I participated in my first Lap Band Information Session - this session was just for the 25 of us that were selected - Wania, one of the dieticians for the program did an excellent job at explaining everything we needed to know about the surgery itself, the pre and post op diets and how long we will be recovering from it all.  Needless to say, I left the meeting feeling very positive and upbeat - and feeling excited and hopeful for what is next.

The next day I had my first visit with my surgeon, Dr. Neale Church.  My friend Katie drove me to my appointment - thanks again Katie - you rock!  Dr. Church was great - he explained all the risks associated with the procedure - they are all pretty minimal and I felt pretty relieved.  My question for him was how long it was going to take before I can go back to the gym and exercise!  lol...He told me two weeks for light cardio - and four weeks for any type of weight...I guess lifting heavy stuff after having abdominal surgery is probably frowned upon and it make sense - I will do what I am told...I want to succeed.

Also...I'm scared and nervous about the surgery - mainly about the general anesthetic...I know I will be just fine, but I still have that worry in the back of my head....I think what I am feeling is normal, and what I need to do it just keep thinking of the final result - I'm going to feel so much better in the long run - and I know I have a great support system! 

The next thing I will be looking forward to is hearing about when the surgery date will be - Dr. Church said he could "do" me in the middle of December!  I kind of laughed and said I'm going to Vegas and then covering my partner at work over Christmas so December was out...he said then let's do January! 

So...hopefully, January it is...

Stay tuned!!

Long awaited update...

Yikes!  Has is really been since August that I last updated?  Yeah - I guess it has...I guess I've just been really busy concentrating on work, exercise, my food, my family and friends and my weight loss...

Speaking of my weight loss...I was just informed on Tuesday that I have been selected as one of the 25 people in the Calgary Region to receive the lap-band surgery this year and I'm SO happy and grateful...I keep replaying the telephone conversation that I had with Wania (one of the dieticians in the program) and all I can do is smile from ear to ear.  She told me she has never seen anyone in this program that is more dedicated to my exercise program and to myself than me.  I remember crying as soon as I heard her voice - telling her how happy I was...how happy I am.  I've worked so hard to get this far...now the hardest part is coming up, and I know I can do it - it's going to be SO exciting...

One of the many things I've been thinking about the past couple of days is what I'm actually going to be able to do once the weight starts coming off even more...they are:

1.  I'm going to be able to run
2.  I'm going to be able to walk up and down a flight of stairs
3.  I'm going to be able to jump
4.  I'm going to be able to do lunges without using the equalizers
5.  I'm going to be able to to regular burpees...not modified ones
6.  I'm actually looking forward to doing mountainclimbers! lol
7.  Bootstrappers might even become possible.
8.  Have I mentioned I will be able to run?? 
9.  I will be able to exercise and not worry about my knees...this is a huge factor for me as my    knees have frustrated me beyond belief
10.  I won't have to use my c-pap machine anymore as my sleep apnea will go away - another huge factor for me
11.  I will be able to shop at Lululemon and not Penningtons anymore :-)
12.  I will be able to shop ANYWHERE BUT Penningtons for all my clothes!

There are more, but I can't think of them right off hand...I will add to them as time goes on...

I want to thank everyone that has supported me this far...this journey for me, has only just begun and I can't wait to see all of the amazing changes coming my way.  I would also like to dedicate this journal post to my Mom...if it weren't for her, I probably wouldn't even have had this second opportunity for the procedure...she pushed me towards it a couple of years ago and was very keen for me to have it done...I love you Mom and I'm going to make you proud!

Stay tuned!

Moving On...

About a week and a half ago, when I was getting out of bed, and making my way into the bathroom to get ready for work, I stopped and realized...

I made it through ONE day without thinking of my Mom.  My first reaction was that I was upset with myself...how could I actually go through an entire day and not think about her?  Up until the day before, she was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and she was the last thing I had in my head before I would fall asleep.  At first, I felt guilty.  I thought that I was forgetting about her...how could I??  I went about my routine, and got ready for work.  As I was on the bus it really hit me...like a tonne of bricks...I actually started to tear up a bit...I was angry at myself for forgetting about her. 

As I continued through the rest of the day, I began to think about things...I thought about her and how much of an impact she had on my life.  And I realized that I DIDN'T forget about her...I realized that I am indeed starting to really go through the healing and acceptance process stage - the stage that I have been looking forward to for so long.  I realized that it's okay to not focus all of my thoughts on her.  In fact, everytime I do think of her now, it's all wonderful, happy memories.  I am so proud of her and everything that she accomplished in her life.  She was a nurse, a friend, an artist, a musician (singer), a counsellor, but most of all she was MY Mom...and I'm so proud of her, and I'm proud of myself for finally getting to this stage. I know there are still going to be hard days from time to time, but they are sure going to be a heck of a lot less than they used to be...I know that moving on is not a bad thing, and I know that moving on does not mean that I will forget her.  I have her in my heart and forever there, she will stay.

On another note - just as an update on my weight loss...I've lost another pound which means I am finally out of the 330's!  It seems like it took me forever but I did it.  The Weight Management Group classes are going fairly well - I am still finding them a little on the boring side, but am still learning some valuable tips...the class numbers seem to be dropping, and we have heard a rumor that there might be a lap band for everyone by the end of it all...I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

My training is still going really well...Ben came back after a vacation at the start of August and has been beating on me the past couple of weeks...lol...I usually whine and complain a bit, but I always head back for more.  He's such an awesome trainer, and I'm lucky to have him in my life.  I still keep amazing myself with the things I can do, that I couldn't over a year ago...my endurance and strength have definitely increased and physically I feel better...I love it and wouldn't change a thing!  I'm also happy to report that I'm finally at the lowest dose possible of Seroquel - 25mg...I just started that last night, so we will see...as soon as I can get off of that entirely, the better I will feel. 

Moving on and moving forward...I'm gonna keep doing it!!

Update...

It's certainly been a while since my last post...I don't really have a good excuse other than I've been pretty busy - and have nothing really witty to say :o)


So far - I have gone to two of the Weight Loss Classes and for the most part, I gotta say - I feel I am so much further ahead than everyone else - both mentally and physically.  I've also done a lot of people watching (one of my most beloved things to do) and have actually named a couple of people in my class already (they actually don't know I've named them.)


First of all - there's Bitter Woman...she sits beside me on my right...she is angry at the world and thinks everyone owes her because she is fat.  This drives me nuts I gotta say...whenever I am put in a group with her, she snarls out one word answers and the eye rolling is a bonus.


Second - is Big Mac Woman...she sat beside me last week and proceeded to tell me her whole life story.  Now after a full day of work, this is probably the LAST thing really want to be happening.  I eventually tuned her out until she poked me in the arm - she had written a note to me that said " After the meeting, how about we head to McDonald's for a Big Mac?  I'm gonna have two!"  I looked at her as if to say:  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???!!  This is how you got that way! lol  I couldn't even fathom eating a Big Mac right now - I never really liked them to begin with and won't be wanting them in the future.


Oh and don't forget Nosey Woman...she's the one that weighed herself and then announced to the whole room that she had lost seven pounds.  When she got to me and asked me how much I had lost, I pretty much told her it was none of her business.  I have a thing about privacy and trust - and will only tell people stuff about me when I feel comfortable. 


So far by the way...I have lost 3.6 lbs in two weeks.  I know I can do better, but it is a start.  Ben has kicked up my workouts a notch the past couple days since he has been back so I'm sure the scale will be better this Tuesday.


I also found out a couple of weeks ago, that I will be moving over to the Rockyview Hospital in September.  I got the position I applied for back a few weeks back.  It will be much closer to home and I am looking forward to it.


So that's my life in a nutshell at the moment...lots of gym time, lots of class time, but most of all...ME TIME...

A Gift

One evening, about three weeks ago, as we arrived at home after an evening at the gym, I opened my mailbox - in it was an envelope from the Weight Management Program through AHS for the Calgary Region.  I thought it was a satisfaction survey or whatever - I had been in the program a couple of years ago, but had such a crappy attitude, that I got lost in the shuffle. 

I opened up the envelope and was surprised at what I saw.  It was an inviation to attend and information session and to attend bi-weekly meetings with the ending goal of lap-band surgery.  At first, I glanced at it, said yeah whatever and put it back in the envelope - I didn't want to do this again...I felt like I was doing fine on my own...I texted Ben right away and he said - Well are you going to do it?  And I said no - that I was doing well on my own and why would I?  He said we would talk about it at my training session the next day.

So my decision has been made...I am going to go for it...I went to the information session yesterday and learned a lot about what is going to be happening to me in the next 5-6 months... I will be going to bi-weekly meetings, I will be writing in a food log and handing it in, I will be writing in an exercise/activity log and handing that in - I have been told that I can do all that is required of me in this program and still not receive the surgery.  There are only 25 lap band procedures being offered and there are approximately 500 people in the program.  I am going to do what is required and even more...and even if I don't get selected for the surgery, I will have learned SO much more about my body and how to lose even more weight...I have such a better attitude and am in a WAY better place emotionally this time around.  A couple of years ago, I went to the information session thinking that this was OWED to me...I didn't do a spit of exercise and thought that doing nothing would get me there.  This time will be DIFFERENT.

So for the next few months, I am really going to buckle down and get to it...I am going to work harder than I ever have...this is MY time... and I thank god for this gift that has been given to me.

20 Things...

It's hard to believe that in just five days, it will be my one year anniversary at Alive.  I've learned so much about myself and how strong and determined I really am.  One of the main things that I've learned about - and still working on is to celebrate what I've accomplished WITHOUT the scale...

Here they are...

1.  I have lost weight in inches...don't know the exact amount but I'm sure I will find out before Saturday!
2.  I have gained some really great friendships.
3.  I've gained a support system.
4.  I know how to eat properly now.- This has been a huge change for me.
5.  I feel stronger emotionally.
6.  I've gone from a 6XL top to a 2XL top.
7.  I've gone from a size 34 jean to a size 24
8.  I can breathe now when I walk.
9.  My blood sugar is lower.
10.  My blood pressure is better.
11. I feel more confident and don't look at the ground as much - still something that I'm working on, but I'm sure it will come with time.
12. My coordination is better.
13.  My range of motion and flexibility are better.
14. I have more energy.
15. I've gone from a couch potatoe to a gym rat!
16. I enjoy (for the most part) cardio now.
17. I have increased my social skill and am not as shy anymore - yes believe it or not, I am shy.
18. The gym helps me work out my frustrations.
19. I'm not as angry anymore.
20. I finished my first 5km as of yesterday and feel great about it - and am going to beat my time in a couple of weeks when I do another!

I am sure there are more...but I will add to it as I go.  I am proof that the scale is not the most important thing...eventually I will get to my ultimate goal, but for now - I think I will just enjoy my 20 accomplishments!

Buckling Down...

Ok...I just looked at the calendar and realized....I have exactly 48 days until my on year Anniversary at ALIVE...some days it just seems like yesterday that I walked through the doors that have changed my life so drastically...for the better of course - it just seems like yesterday that I was telling Harvey and Kathy that in no freakin way was I going to a gym - especially to train with some trainer jock that would not care about me...

Boy was I wrong.

Ben cares about me - he cares about each and every person that walks through those doors at ALIVE...he sent me a message this week - telling me that it was time to buckle down and get serious about my weight loss - he didn`t say it in those exact words, but I knew what he meant.  I saw my doctor this week and we discussed lowering the dosage of the Seroquel that I`ve been taking - this again means that I will start to lose weight again - FINALLY.  Ben told me he wants me to get tough with the nutrition and to get focused...I have a goal in mind - it`s a short-term goal for now...I want to lose 50 lbs by the time June 5th rolls around.  It`s 20 lbs and I know I can do it!  I`ve been feeling so much better mentally - I no longer feel panicky during the day and just seem to be feeling better all around.  I am hoping to lower the medication dosage so eventually I will be off of it all together - that is another one of my goals and I KNOW I can do it.

48 days....20 lbs...I know that with more hard work I can do it...

K

Long Week...

Holy moly...I have to admit something here...It's been a REALLY rough week for me...good thing is, I have come out of it relatively unscathed... :o)


The week started out with Brian getting pneumonia...  he's been really sick and coughing a ton as of late so he finally decided it was time for him to go to the doctor...the doctor told him he must stay at home and must NOT workout..I can't imagine how bored he must be - sitting there day after day, watching TV - cause there's nothing else to do but to do that and sleep!  Good thing is, is as of yesterday, he is finally starting to feel better.


Secondly - my Gecko is sick.  The vet doesn't really know what's wrong with her other than the possibility of her having ricketts - she won't eat or drink and frankly it's driving me crazy...so I've been doing what the vet has told me to do and I've been doing forcefeeds and calcium supplements...she still hasn't eaten on her own. but I think she is close to getting better.


Thirdly, my cat Chibi is really sick...he has Hepatic Lipidosis.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a potentially fatal liver disease.  Fat cats who suddenly stop eating, end up getting most of their liver turning to fat - then they get jaundiced and nauseated and won't eat.  This, unfortunately is what is going on with Chibi.  So, we have to forcefeed him everyday and give him pills and liquid Amoxil.  My cat Simon (who has since gone to the Rainbow Bridge) had this three times in his lifetime - and we got through it...it's hard to battle, but we can do it.


So, that's my week in a nutshell...and I'm hoping things just happen in threes!


Cheers to a better week ahead!

Resilience...

Well...it has certainly been an "interesting" week to say the least.  I think I have learned more about myself in the last week than I have the last year.  Most importantly, I have finally come to realize how strong I am - I  hear a from a tonne of people about how physically strong I am - that I understand.  It's the "inner strength" that has taken me a long time to figure out.


On Monday, I probably felt the "darkest" I have in a long time.  I had zero sleep the night before (I was stressed out about Brian and his place of work) and felt horrible.  I felt like I was back in the "dark well" again...I'm imagining myself literally crawling my way up to the top - I can see the light above me....then suddenly, I slip somehow...back into the darkness.  I spent most of the day there - until a few of my friends stepped in and gave me a reality check...thank you - you know who you are. 


Needless to say, I was glad to see Veronica on Friday.  We discussed how strong I am...we discussed how resilient I am - that these "dark days" will happen from time to time, but they will only make me stronger. 


And I believe that.  I will roll with the punches....I will remain strong and confident!


And resilient!

Whoops!!

Wow...I thought I was going to update this thing every week...guess not.


I think I probably didn't update because I feel I really didn't have a whole lot of anything positive to report, and I don't have anything really horrible to comment about either. 


I look back at my last post and am amazed at how happy I was.  You see, I've had a bit of a down-spiral as of late - nothing really bad and earth shattering, but haven't really felt like myself.  I did so incredibly well with my sleep patterns in January - I felt like I was getting back to "normal"... Veronica keeps telling me that I will never go back to the way things were in my life - all I can do is just live each day the best I can. 


I think the biggest disapointment for me as of late is that I'm so FRUSTRATED with myself in regards to my medication that I'm taking.  I was hoping to be tapering off the dose and to be off of it in the next couple months.  That won't happen. In fact - I've been having to increase the dosage lately...I'm glad I get to see the doctor next week to discuss this...  I have to think realistically...I'm still having problems sleeping from time to time - BUT the panic attacks aren't nearly as bad as they were in October/November... It's a double-edged sword - If I don't take the medication, I'm up all night....If I do take it, I'm hard on myself!  I'm trying to keep thinking positively about how FAR I've come.  I need to be less hard on myself and love myself more - it's a neverending issue with me.


As far as my weight goes, I haven't weighed myself lately...I've been paying more attention to my mental health and ignoring the scale - don't get me wrong - I haven't fallen off the "Food Wagon" or anything - I've been eating pretty well actually...I'll probably hop on the scale tomorrow morning... :o)


I do have some positivity tho - I've been eating better, and have been doing well in the gym - last Monday was probably one of the BEST workouts I've had.  Ben increased the weight in pretty much everything...and I set a new personal record in my deadlifts...265 pounds!!


So...for the next while, I'm really going to try to be less hard on myself (easier said than done) and love myself more (again, easier said than done).  I'm going to try to take each day as it comes and try not to worry about the past or the future.


I'm going to move forward...

Pushing Through

Well I have to say, I've had a pretty great week!


Three Reasons:


1.  I've lost SIX (yes you saw that right) pounds total this week.  I contribute that in part mostly to the decrease in my medication - the Seroquel I was taking was making me gain an incredible amount of fluid.  I've also been VERY diligent and using my food journal that Ben bought me and writing everything that I put in my mouth.  I've been sticking to my calories too.


2.  I had a great week at work.  Great week = NO DRAMA...gotta love that.


3.  My doctor has further decreased my medication - I'm pretty happy about this.  It means that my body is starting to finally recognize what relaxing is all about.  This should also help my weight loss even further!  I also saw my therapist Veronica and she is really proud of me.  I'm proud of me.  I've gone from a scared, pathetic (sorry for saying that, but it's true) non-sleeping lump to a strong, proud, beautiful woman and I'm stoked!  I was acting quite hard on myself on Friday - and anyone that knows me knows that I am my worst enemy and am hard on myself any chance I can get.  I was talking to Veronica about it - how I want to be totally 100% better - with no meds.  She told me that I have to live in the moment and stop worrying about how I'm doing - she says I'm doing really well and to stop being so hard on myself.  So that will be something that I will work on this week.  Stop being so hard on myself.


So basically I'm pushing through  - I'm starting to become the strong, confident woman I want to be!


Weekly Weigh in:


Starting Weight:  358 lbs
Weight this Week:  323 lbs
Loss/Gain this Week:  -6
TOTAL LOSS:  35 lbs

Life Goes On...

Well...I was looking at my last post that I posted a couple of weeks ago and am shaking my head.  Man was I sad...I look at the post and find it hard to believe how "back in the dark hole" I was.  BUT it's always a new day, and I have to look forward.  I typed what I was feeling and that's the whole point of this blog.  I'm just glad I'm working through it...baby steps...


This week has been both a week of disappointment and personal growth.  The first anniversary of my mom's passing was last sunday - the 17th.  My sisters and I spent the weekend together at one of my mom's favorite hotels.  It sure was nice to be together.  I spent Sunday night out at Airdire at my sister Kathy's place...we sat in her hot tub and played with her dogs...yeah I know - I'm so not a dog person, but it was fun - and then on Monday, we had lunch with my Dad, Stepmom, and brother Rob.  It was great to see them all - I don't see my Dad nearly as much as I would like...I'm gonna change that. 


I spent most of the week with my eyes glued to my scale.  And well...it didn't move!  I'm stuck at 329 lbs and frankly it was driving me CRAZY.   I was talking to a pathologist at my work and he gave me a reality check.  The medication that I'm on is making me retain fluid and LOTS of it.  I just need to keep plugging away.  Also, Ben my trainer bought me a food journal - I'm going to write down everything I eat..everything I put in my mouth so that I can be held accountable...it's awesome and I'm looking forward to using it.


Oh yeah...and we also got our new furniture yesterday (well most of it) and I was pretty happy about that.  We are no longer having to sit on a cooler and hard chair after a day of work.  It was nice - I actually fell asleep last night in my loveseat recliner.  LOVE IT!


Positive thing is  I'm moving forward...I didn't think I would be able to, but I am.  It's a slow process, but I'm doing it. 


Life Goes On...


K

Ups and Downs

Well, it's been a pretty good start to the year.  I've lost my "Christmas Food" weight and am back on track!  I've lost six pounds this past week and feel pretty damn good about it.  On Monday, I also deadlifted 245 lbs. - which is a record for me, and I'm looking forward to increasing it.  Mentally, I've also been feeling better - for the most part. 

Today, unfortunately...I was off.

In a week...January 17th, will mark the one year anniversary of my mom's passing.  Today, would mark the last time I spoke to her.  I remember the conversation and how great it was.  I made plans to go and visit her - in fact, I was supposed to go and see her the day after we found her...I feel so empty inside...

But mostly....I hurt.  I miss her so much.  I wish she was here.  I keep having that week before, the day before and the day of her passing coming back into my mind.  It still feels so fresh to me - like a scab keeps being ripped off a festering sore.  It sucks and I hate it.  I'm tired of listening to my other friends talk about their moms cause well...I don't have one anymore.  All of this, I've talked to Veronica (my therapist) about and she tells me that it's completely normal what I'm feeling.  Well right now...at this very moment, I don't feel normal.  I feel empty...I feel cheated.


But most of all...


I feel sad.

Happy 2010!

Happy New Year!  It's hard to believe it's the end of a decade and the start of a new one.  I am looking forward to this new year and all goodness that is going to come from it. 


I could go on and say how horrible 2009 was for me - but in reality, it was a year of personal growth and getting to know myself.  Yes, it did start off horribly - with my mom dying in January, and the months that followed I was probably the most angry I have ever been in my life.  June was definitely a turning point for me - I found ALIVE and all of the great friendships I have formed from there.  I have had some ups and downs since then, but am finally gaining the self-respect I so desperately need to get me to my weight-loss goal.


Here's to 2010!  It's going to be MY year...my year to rock it.  My year to get even closer to all my goals - physically and mentally...


Happy New Year everyone...love you all!


Kris