Sunday, May 29, 2011

Looking Back...

Looks like my blog post this week is a wee bit late...but I had good reason!  This morning, Brian and I and our friends Sandra and Lara headed down to Bridgeland to partake in the Calgary Marathon.  Brian and Sandra participated in the Astra Zeneca 5km run and walk.  To put it mildly, they blew it away...Brian finished in under an hour - I think it was 55 mins and Sandra finished in 44 minutes.  I am so incredibly proud of both of them!  Another friend Kim, completed the half-marathon and finished in 2 hours 3 minutes...pretty great I would say...

I have spent some time looking back on my posts - I have blogged here on Blogspot for almost two years - it's hard to believe...I have blogged on and off for years - a friend reminded me yesterday that I still have a blog sitting on Live Journal - which I don't even remember the password to get into to take a look at anyways - so will have to let that go :-)  Anyway - as I was looking at some of my posts from 2009 and even a few from 2010, I can see where I have particular post Perseverance caught my eye... it was going to be the first Christmas without my Mom - and I was in a lot of pain...I still hurt from time to time and miss her and have bouts of crying spells (like the one I had today) but I seem to be managing my feelings about it a heck of a lot better.  

One word in particular to describe myself, that crosses my mind when I read back in my blog is the word "pathetic", I don't mean this in a negative way towards myself...I realize now how truly lost and in pain I really was - and how I have managed to "dig and crawl" my way out of it.  I have used all the tools available to me...everything from exercise, to my therapist to prescription drugs to even out my mood.  I still remember feeling as though I was in a dark well - trying to claw my way up to the top - only to slip and fall back into the darkness.  All of this might sound dramatic, but it's true.

I am happy with how I have progressed.  I know I will have lapses from time to time...I know I will fall off my "food wagon" and be naughty with my food from time to time...but the whole point that I am HUMAN.

And I am proud of myself and how far I have come.

That is all...

Woohoo! I got an award!

Wow...I got my first blog award!  I hadn't been here for most of the week - and when I finally came online on Friday, I was pretty excited to see this.  Thanks so much to Grace for nominating me.  I am honored and just a tad excited!  Here it is!

The rules of the award:

-Thank the person who gave you this award, and link back to them in your post.
-Tell us 10 things about yourself.
-Nominate your bloggers.
-Contact these bloggers, and let them know they received this award.

Here are my ten things:
1. I am a tomboy at heart.  I guess you could say I'm the son my Dad never had.
2. I never knew how much inner strength I had until I lost my Mom.
3. I have two cats named Piper and Chibi - they are like my kids. Oh and my leopard gecko too!
4. People that know me well, know I am not a big fan of children.  But I will always wonder what it would be like to have one of my own. 
5. I am a Pisces - a TRUE one...
6. I love to lift a lot of heavy shit...deadlifting is my favorite. 
7. I love to sniff Jiffy markers.
8. I am loyal to a fault - screw me once tho, and I have a hard time getting that trust back.
9. I am finally "learning" to love myself - I've never been able to do that my whole life.  I have Ben and Holly Spooner to thank for helping guide and help me realize how strong and capable I am.
10. I love my friends and family and would give the shirt off my back for them.

There are more, but I won't ramble on... :-)

My nominees are:

Congrats Ladies! :-)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I am a Warrior

What a great week I have had...I'm pretty sure the reason for that was because I tackled it one day at time instead of looking towards the end of the week...I must remember to do that more often.

One aspect, however, that has been bothering me lately, is the feeling of "disconnection" that I have.  I miss the sense of "togetherness" and friendships that I formed at ALIVE...I miss walking into the women's change room and seeing my buddies and then catching up with what was going on in each other's lives...I miss the support and the camaraderie...This past Monday at U-Thrive was the first time since ALIVE closed that I felt a glimpse of that.  There were three trainers and their clients working out at the same time - it was busy and it felt good.  The music was loud and upbeat and for just a few minutes, it brought me back.  I guess I just need to reach out more to those people that I do miss...expect a call, email or BBM soon!

I had my second fill on dietitian Wania, was very excited and super proud of me...I managed to lose just over 10 pounds in the four weeks since I had seen she and Dr. Church.  Most of the weight I managed to lose in just the last couple of weeks - I had been on a bit of a plateau, but managed to break through that.  Wania also asked me if I would like to do a presentation to the new lapband clients that are new to the program - to tell them my story and to answer any questions they might have.  I told her I would love to do that.  If I can help someone that was in my same situation just over a year ago, then bring it on.  She told me I am everything that they want in the program - that she has never had anyone in the history of the program work as hard as I have.  We chatted about my eating patterns, and the only thing she "tweaked" was my snack in between breakfast and lunch - I wasn't having one because I just didn't have now I will be making time starting this week.  I ended up getting 0.8 cc's in my band and now have a total of 2.8 cc's in.  At first, I was kind of disappointed, as I wanted more saline put in, but the past couple of days have proven to me, that slow and steady wins the race...I do feel quite a bit more restriction than I had.  

My exercise this week has been awesome...I have worked out in some form every day...Monday, I trained with Ben - and it was, as always a good session...Tuesday and Thursday I did Kendra's Bootcamp and loved it - I think I worked harder than I have in a long time...I walked just over 5km with Jessica in Fish Creek on Wednesday - we went on the west side of the park - much different than the east - lots more scenery and trees...and of course...mosquitoes!  lol...  they thought I was tasty I tell ya!  Friday came and I had my session with Ben again and Holly joined us!  It's always fun when she comes to my sessions...lots of giggles and just plain fun.  :-)  Saturday I went to Damir's kickboxing class and ended up working one on one with him for the entire time.  I am very glad that he gave me quite a few little breaks a long the way - cause by the end of it, I think my face was purple and today I am sporting a few bruises on my legs and my elbows...but I love it.  I know for a fact, that I couldn't keep up like that two years ago - I feel great about it...I feel like a warrior...and in a sense I am!  I've battled so many "things" the past couple of years - I've battled my thoughts, my insecurities, prescription meds and the anxiety...and I'm going to keep battling to get where I want to be...I'm 75.5 lbs down now...100 lbs down is in my reach - I'm getting excited...

Bring it on!

Have a great week everyone!  Stay strong!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

You've Come A Long Way Baby!

When I started this journey back almost two years ago, I came in with no expectations really...why would I?  It seemed that everything I tried - (Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, TOPS - just to name a few) I always seemed to fail at and yes, I would lose weight at first, but then become frustrated and then just give up and gain the weight back and then some.

Earlier in the week, I got to thinking how far I have come.  Those of you that know me well know that when I say "I got to thinking" you know that's not entirely a good thing.  I tend to over-analyze and over-think when it comes to my weight-loss efforts.  On Wednesday I hit a milestone.  I hit the 70 lbs mark!  I was so excited when I saw 288 lbs...I was so happy I could hardly get ready for work.  Then on the way to work I "got to thinking"... WTF?!  That's 70 lbs in TWO years...that's terrible...Kristy - U suck...

So ya...that's what I continued to do for pretty much the rest of the week - I berated myself...treated myself like name it - I did it.

I finally "woke up" on Friday...I decided that I had had enough - enough with the negative energy and pain that I was causing myself.  So what if I lost 70 lbs in two what if it's taken me longer than most people I what if my knee was sore...SO WHAT!!  I have lost 70 lbs (72 as of today thank you very much) and know that I am physically and mentally stronger than I have EVER been in my life.  I was chatting with Ben on the way home from my workout on Friday evening and he helped me (special mention also goes to Holly who has also taken the time and compassion to discuss this with me) - to realize my accomplishments OTHER than the scale - I have specified some of them in my blog post 20 things! but now what I really need to do is read each and every one of them again and live them.  My health overall is SO much better than it used to be.  My blood pressure is nice and low and I'm almost off my Seroquel entirely.  My clothes are so loose on me it's almost to point of ridiculous...there are so many other accomplishments I have made OTHER than the stupid scale and I must keep remembering that.  The scale does not define who I am or who I will become.

I also realized something just a few minutes ago...I only have 28 pounds more to go until I reach the 100 lb mark...100 lbs off my body - 100lbs off my joints...I know I set a goal of that as stated in  First Fill and a NSV!  but have now decided that I don't care how long it takes me...I will take as long as I need to do accomplish this goal - NO PRESSURE!

I have come a long way since I walked through the doors at ALIVE...I've gone from a sad, 358 lb woman with absolutely no self-esteem to who I am today - I'm now 286 lbs, and I'm strong and determined to reach my goals no matter how long it takes me...there is no time limit to life...I am lucky...I'm lucky to have the life and the friends and family that I have.

One day at a inch, one step, one accomplishment at a time...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

"Stop Being Such a Whimp!"

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there!  And Happy Mother's Day to my Mom in heaven... To tell you the honest truth, I was kind of dreading today...but I feel pretty good this morning...I think it's mostly in part that I'm keeping myself busy - going to a good friend's baseball game this afternoon, and then out for supper this evening with them.  Good friends are hard to find - as I have discovered this week - and the ones that treat you well and love you know matter what life throws at you are the ones you want to stick with.  Life is too short to deal with bullshit - plain and simple...

I've been busy this week...on Monday, my friend Jessica and I went walking in Fish Creek - and I really enjoyed it.  We did pretty much the same route as Holly and I had done the week before, but this was a little the end of our walk, I looked down at my Nike+ application and it said we had walked 6 km!  I felt great about that - couldn't have done that two years ago for sure...I was lucky if I could walk 1 km without sweating like a pig!

Tuesday I did Kendra's Bootcamp Class...I love her classes...she always pushes me to my limits - and then pushes me more...I always leave her classes soaked in sweat and satisfied that I've worked hard.  We did quite a bit of cardio which I loved (I still laugh whenever I type or say that as I have always hated cardio) and it was great to see a few of the ladies I used to go to Alive with.  :-)

Wednesday, Jessica and I did another walk in Fish Creek...this walk was a little bit shorter as my foot and knee were bothering me - but we still managed to walk almost 5km!  I'm so glad the weather Gods have been  on my side this week - haven't had to cancel any of my walks due to rain which is great!

Thursday I did another one of Kendra's word to describe it was brutal...but in a good way!  There was lots of bosu/TRX/strength training - and at one point, probably half way through the class, I thought I was either going to pass out or throw up...but I just kept taking deep breaths and kept one point she had us doing standing shoulder presses - with a fairly heavy weight (I thought it was 25 lbs, but now that I think about it I think it was 20 lbs) and because it was near the end of the class, I found it very difficult to get the weight even half way up over my head!  I started to whine (like I tend to do) and Kendra came up to me and said "Stop being such a whimp!"  and it made me want to work harder.  I pumped off fifteen of them and then almost also had us doing one of the exercises I dread the most - Spiderman planks on the bosu - two weeks ago I could hardly do two of them...I ended up doing FIFTEEN of them!  I'm telling you - if you want to find an exercise that makes you sweat so hard, that it gets in your eyes and everywhere else for that matter, do these...I felt great after I did next goal for those will be to do them from my toes...   Kendra loves to push me and show me what I am capable of - I AM's just sometimes I need that extra kick in the ass to remind me of that.  It's what both she and Ben have been trying to instill in me the past couple of years - I get it...finally.

Friday I took the day off of exercise and went out with some buddies from work that I haven't seen in a long time.  It was really nice to just relax and have fun and have a drink - yes I only had one, but it felt great just to kick back and laugh and visit...

And as a result of this busy yet fun and challenging week both physically and mentally, I am down 2.4 lbs!!  I have been sitting around the same 2-3 lbs for the past three weeks and it's been driving me bonkers!  I am now 290.5 lbs - and I am hoping to be in the 280's by next Sunday!

Wish me luck!

Sunday, May 1, 2011 does a body good!

Finally...the weather has started to cooperate and act (a little) like spring here!  I've spent the last two years working out within the walls of ALIVE- I either went on the treadmill, rode the recumbent bike or trained with Ben.  The closure has made me go outside my comfort zone a bit and start doing something, on Tuesday, Holly and I went for a walk in Fish Creek...and what a walk it was!  I've lived so close to Fish Creek for the past almost SEVEN years and have only ventured there to have picnics, and weenie roasts and stuff like that...

And boy did we walk...8 KM in fact!  Holly had her Nike + I-pod application running and we logged everything  from how fast we were going, to how far we had gone, to how long it took us.  I think it took us  90 mins - but am not sure if that's an accurate number.  I have never walked that far in my life and it felt awesome to have done it...I felt like I had accomplished something huge.  I have plans to go twice this week - Monday and Wednesday evening...below is a map of Fish Creek - it doesn't really show where we walked on Tuesday evening though...we started at Voiter's Flatts and walked all the way to Glenfield - and around and up the hill to Canyon Meadows Drive - then walked along there and then walked back down into the park and back up to Voiter's Flatts...

Here is a link to the map to the park - it shows more of where we walked:

I did come up against one obstacle this body.  I woke up on Wednesday - I knew that I would be stiff from the walking adventure the evening before - but what I wasn't prepared for was the swelling in my hands and elbows...and it scared me.  I couldn't understand why this was happening.  I went through most of the day feeling not so great - tired, headache, and even had a slight fever.  I went to a class that evening and got through it.  I thought the workout would help make me feel better - and it did momentarily - then when I got home - the pain was incredible...I even had pain in my stomach - I hurt everywhere...I went upstairs to my bed and layed down and cried my head off.  I kept thinking over and over in my head "Why am I doing this??!"  "I don't want to do this anymore - I'm sick of my body and my limitations"  "Why can't I do as much as everyone else can?!"  "My body is giving up - I want to give up"  Then - all of a sudden I stopped crying and realized why I am doing this...I want to be happy...I want to be healthy...I want to see Maggie graduate from high school and University...I just want to be HAPPY... - I just kept saying that over and over to myself.  Once I got over my pity party I realized that I my body is going to rebel on me from time to time and I just need to learn how to deal with it.  I am strong and independent and will get through this.  I just need to believe in myself and believe in what I am capable of.  So for the rest of the week - whenever I felt  the pain in my knees or feet or anywhere else for that matter, I just told myself that I control the pain - it does not control me.

The scale has been fairly nice to me this week - I lost 1.4 lbs...which is right on track with my 1-2 pounds a week.  Considering it was that time of the month, and I did have some stress throughout the week, I am happy with it!  I had a great Easter - and had a great time with my family.  We went to a buffet and I managed to only eat one plate of food.  Before my lapband, I would eat probably two plates FULL.  I do feel that I am getting hungry more quickly again - and will need a fill again soon.  I see Dr. Church on May 19th for my second fill and am looking forward to it.  I bought a new top a couple of weeks ago - it's a 2X!  I was wearing between a 2-3XL but now am finally into a 2XL for good.  The 3XL hangs on me and looks silly...I am also wearing a size 22 in my jeans.  At this rate, I might be in my goal of size 18-20 before my 40th birthday!  I'm excited...

Hold on tight!  It's gonna be a crazy week!