Sunday, January 31, 2010

Pushing Through

Well I have to say, I've had a pretty great week!

Three Reasons:

1.  I've lost SIX (yes you saw that right) pounds total this week.  I contribute that in part mostly to the decrease in my medication - the Seroquel I was taking was making me gain an incredible amount of fluid.  I've also been VERY diligent and using my food journal that Ben bought me and writing everything that I put in my mouth.  I've been sticking to my calories too.

2.  I had a great week at work.  Great week = NO DRAMA...gotta love that.

3.  My doctor has further decreased my medication - I'm pretty happy about this.  It means that my body is starting to finally recognize what relaxing is all about.  This should also help my weight loss even further!  I also saw my therapist Veronica and she is really proud of me.  I'm proud of me.  I've gone from a scared, pathetic (sorry for saying that, but it's true) non-sleeping lump to a strong, proud, beautiful woman and I'm stoked!  I was acting quite hard on myself on Friday - and anyone that knows me knows that I am my worst enemy and am hard on myself any chance I can get.  I was talking to Veronica about it - how I want to be totally 100% better - with no meds.  She told me that I have to live in the moment and stop worrying about how I'm doing - she says I'm doing really well and to stop being so hard on myself.  So that will be something that I will work on this week.  Stop being so hard on myself.

So basically I'm pushing through  - I'm starting to become the strong, confident woman I want to be!

Weekly Weigh in:

Starting Weight:  358 lbs
Weight this Week:  323 lbs
Loss/Gain this Week:  -6
TOTAL LOSS:  35 lbs

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Life Goes On...

Well...I was looking at my last post that I posted a couple of weeks ago and am shaking my head.  Man was I sad...I look at the post and find it hard to believe how "back in the dark hole" I was.  BUT it's always a new day, and I have to look forward.  I typed what I was feeling and that's the whole point of this blog.  I'm just glad I'm working through steps...

This week has been both a week of disappointment and personal growth.  The first anniversary of my mom's passing was last sunday - the 17th.  My sisters and I spent the weekend together at one of my mom's favorite hotels.  It sure was nice to be together.  I spent Sunday night out at Airdire at my sister Kathy's place...we sat in her hot tub and played with her dogs...yeah I know - I'm so not a dog person, but it was fun - and then on Monday, we had lunch with my Dad, Stepmom, and brother Rob.  It was great to see them all - I don't see my Dad nearly as much as I would like...I'm gonna change that. 

I spent most of the week with my eyes glued to my scale.  And didn't move!  I'm stuck at 329 lbs and frankly it was driving me CRAZY.   I was talking to a pathologist at my work and he gave me a reality check.  The medication that I'm on is making me retain fluid and LOTS of it.  I just need to keep plugging away.  Also, Ben my trainer bought me a food journal - I'm going to write down everything I eat..everything I put in my mouth so that I can be held's awesome and I'm looking forward to using it.

Oh yeah...and we also got our new furniture yesterday (well most of it) and I was pretty happy about that.  We are no longer having to sit on a cooler and hard chair after a day of work.  It was nice - I actually fell asleep last night in my loveseat recliner.  LOVE IT!

Positive thing is  I'm moving forward...I didn't think I would be able to, but I am.  It's a slow process, but I'm doing it. 

Life Goes On...


Sunday, January 10, 2010

Ups and Downs

Well, it's been a pretty good start to the year.  I've lost my "Christmas Food" weight and am back on track!  I've lost six pounds this past week and feel pretty damn good about it.  On Monday, I also deadlifted 245 lbs. - which is a record for me, and I'm looking forward to increasing it.  Mentally, I've also been feeling better - for the most part. 

Today, unfortunately...I was off.

In a week...January 17th, will mark the one year anniversary of my mom's passing.  Today, would mark the last time I spoke to her.  I remember the conversation and how great it was.  I made plans to go and visit her - in fact, I was supposed to go and see her the day after we found her...I feel so empty inside...

But mostly....I hurt.  I miss her so much.  I wish she was here.  I keep having that week before, the day before and the day of her passing coming back into my mind.  It still feels so fresh to me - like a scab keeps being ripped off a festering sore.  It sucks and I hate it.  I'm tired of listening to my other friends talk about their moms cause well...I don't have one anymore.  All of this, I've talked to Veronica (my therapist) about and she tells me that it's completely normal what I'm feeling.  Well right this very moment, I don't feel normal.  I feel empty...I feel cheated.

But most of all...

I feel sad.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy 2010!

Happy New Year!  It's hard to believe it's the end of a decade and the start of a new one.  I am looking forward to this new year and all goodness that is going to come from it. 

I could go on and say how horrible 2009 was for me - but in reality, it was a year of personal growth and getting to know myself.  Yes, it did start off horribly - with my mom dying in January, and the months that followed I was probably the most angry I have ever been in my life.  June was definitely a turning point for me - I found ALIVE and all of the great friendships I have formed from there.  I have had some ups and downs since then, but am finally gaining the self-respect I so desperately need to get me to my weight-loss goal.

Here's to 2010!  It's going to be MY year to rock it.  My year to get even closer to all my goals - physically and mentally...

Happy New Year you all!