Sunday, April 24, 2011

Letting Go...

I went to yoga class a couple of weeks ago and there was a cushion on one of the couches...on it was this phrase:

"In the end what matters most is
How well did you live
How well did you love
How well did you learn to let go"

Now - I really love this phrase...I love the whole thing - but what I love the most is the last line.  Speaking for myself, I can truly say THAT is the hardest thing for me to do...I have issues letting go of aspects in my life that don't matter.  And if I can be blunt, I think a huge majority of the population has that issue too.  

For some people, letting go can be as simple as not getting choked when someone butts in front of you in line at Tim Hortons...or getting over a stupid argument with a friend or a family member.  

For me?  Letting go is a heck of a lot more.  It covers such a broad spectrum in my life.  I hold on to things and then explode when it all comes to a head.  This is not such a good thing for someone that is trying to lose as much weight as I have to - and to keep my blood pressure down.  When I hold onto my negative feelings, my anxiety builds up, I lose control and I have an actual anxiety attack.  This hasn't happened for quite a while now, which is fantastic, considering I was having them at least once a week a year and a half ago.  Instead of the anxiety attacks though, I've been feeling anger and resentment - towards myself - which in turn creates anger towards family and friends.  For instance...Brian was eating supper the other night - and was smacking his lips louder than I thought he should  Yeah I know - how trivial...but it drove me INSANE...I just kept looking at him and telling him to stop it!  I kept telling him it was driving me crazy...Instead of saying that to him, I could have just let it go and ignored it, or politely could have asked him to stop eating that way.   Letting go for me also means giving up control over aspects in my life that I have absolutely no control over - I ruminate about stupid shit that I can't control, or I will let other people's actions bother me.'s such a strong word for me...I tell myself a lot: "Can I control this?"  the answer usually ends up being no - so I tell myself to Let it go - Kristy - you gotta let it go.  

Letting go for me is also breaking down the barriers that have held me back for so long.  By this I mean dismissing my negative feelings about myself or by trying something new either with my food or my exercise routine.  I remember a training session I had about a month ago with Ben and the first drill he had me do was somersaults...I remember looking at him and laughing out loud - "You really want me to do somersaults?!"  was my reply after watching him do one himself.  I remember thinking - I failed these in gym class in grade eight!  After I stopped laughing, I did one...then did another one right near the end of the session...and you know what?  It wasn't that bad!  

I think if we all "Let Go" in our own ways, the world would be a much happier place!  

Ok - recap from last obsession with my scale, I am happy to say, has become less dramatic...  I have met my goal of weighing myself once per day - instead of 2-3 times a day.  It was a little hard, but I did it.  My goal for next week will be to weigh myself every other day.  I can and will do it.

I did gain one pound this week though.  I contribute it to stress and not documenting my food.  Oh ya...and  One very important lesson I have learned this week is that there are certain foods that just slip right down past my band - and then I don't feel full.  Some of my food choices have not been the greatest...but I now know where I went wrong, and won't do it again.  Also, while the scale may not be reflecting a huge loss, I am losing in inches...everywhere.  My clothes are fitting looser again and it's got me excited.  So, this one pound is not going to get me down...I'm am just going to let that go!  I have every reason to be proud of myself.  I'm 65 pounds down from when I started my weight loss journey and 38 pounds down since my pre-op weight.  My endurance is way up again also - I thought I would have lost it all during my pre/post op periods from my surgery, but I am happy that I have regained that.  I managed to work out every day last week and on Friday - trained with Ben in the morning and then participated in Damir's bootcamp class in the evening.  Yeah I know...two workouts in a day?  It might be a bit excessive for some people, but for me, it's a huge accomplishment.  I'm proud of myself.  I don't say that enough.

How are YOU letting go?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

My Obsession...The Scale...

Some people have obsessions...some obsess about food, others their hair or make up or what they will wear when they leave the house in the morning.

I have a different obsession...

My scale...

Ya I know - You are probably what?  I obsess about my weight all the time!

But I seem to have taken it to an entirely new level in obsessiveness...

Almost two years ago, my therapist diagnosed me with an Adjustment Disorder with anxiety - which means, that I sometimes have a hard time adjusting to change - and I obsess and have some anxiety...most of this can be contributed to the sudden death of my mother and how I have dealt with it.  I have had some pretty huge changes in my life the past few months - from getting myself prepared for my lap-band surgery, to actually having it and adjusting for the first week post op - to losing the gym I belonged to and "safe haven" last month due to flooding.  

The result of this?  Weighing myself...and sometimes twice a day...

Now, I know this is totally self-defeating for me...and will hurt me in the long run - so why do I do it?!  I've thought about it for a while, and have come to this conclusion:  

It makes me feel good - it soothes my anxiety I am feeling at the also helps to "keep me on track."  I want to be able to reach my weight loss goals...and feel if I don't keep on track ALL the time with my weight, I will lose track and then lose control.

Whatever my reasons for doing this, I know it's not healthy what I am doing, and I will be heading into self-destruct mode if I continue. plan for myself this week:  I will do this in baby steps...I will only weigh myself ONCE a day...then slowly taper it off until I am only weighing myself once a week - the NORMAL way of doing it!  

I hope everyone has a great week!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

First Fill and a NSV! (Non-Scale Victory)

I'm so glad to be blogging about something happy and positive today...the past couple of weeks have been not so great in the fact that I've felt lost, and un-focused.  Today, I'm feeling like I am finally back on track and ready to meet my goals head on.  One goal in particular, is almost achieved already!  I said I wanted to be in size 18-20 pants - well yesterday, when trying on jeans at Penningtons, I fit into a size 22!  I had a really good feeling even before I walked into the store that it would happen.  I've been walking around for the past three weeks walking on the bottoms of my jeans/pants and people have been telling me how ridiculous it looks.  I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to buy a new pair of jeans - I guess I just felt comfortable in the old ones - I guess I felt safe.  Sometimes I feel safe in my "fat-suit" -it has been my body armour for the past 20 years - protecting me from hurt and other aspects in my life... so I made a pact with myself yesterday, that I will no longer do that anymore - I looked at the picture that I took of myself and can't believe how much weight I have lost - I know, I have heard from a lot of people telling me how incredible I look - and I just say thank you and don't think about much - but I actually finally really noticed yesterday - I look freakin great - I can't believe how much I have slimmed out - I know I have a long ways to go yet, but that picture sure makes me feel that I can keep going!  

Earlier on in the week, I set another goal for myself.  I am 35 lbs pounds away from losing a total of 100 lbs since I started at ALIVE almost two years ago.  June 5th will mark that day - so I have set the goal of 35 lbs by June 5th.  I think it's the short-term goals that keep people going and this one definitely will keep me in check!

I also had my first fill on Thursday.  Other than it hurting a little, it went really well.  Dr. Church is very impressed with my progress so far.  My weight loss had stalled in the past couple of weeks, but he said the fill would definitely help with that.  I can totally notice the restricted feeling now too - I find that I am full even after drinking a cup of coffee - the feeling of fullness doesn't last of course for very long after drinking, but I stay full after my oatmeal in the morning for FOUR HOURS...I love it - I love my lap band!  Check out a video of a typical lap-band fill - this is pretty close to what I had on Thursday - other than the numbing beforehand - I never got that!

My exercise routine has been great too - consistency and routine has been the key for me.  My training sessions with Ben have been kicked up a notch (at least it feels like that for me)...near the end of Friday's workout I almost started to cry - he was having me do decline sit-ups, and body weight rows - both of which I find are very hard for me...I wanted to call him every name in the book, but I didn't...maybe one of these days I will lol...I find it hard to call somebody something like that when they are trying to help you - for me, it just seems wrong to do so.  Who knows - there's always  I feel great today - like I have accomplished something  I'm also trying out a new class at Southland Leisure Centre too - gotta try and mix things up a bit!

So things are starting to come together - I'm starting to get my routine and my "groove" back!  And one by one I know I will reach my goals!

What goals have you set for yourself?  Plan them...reach out for help if you need and DO IT!

Happy week everyone!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Some before and progress pics...

Here are some before and now pics - at my biggest, I weighed in at 358 lbs.  Today I weigh 291 lbs!

This one was taken on my birthday in February of 2009 - 358 lbs and growing...

At the CLS Xmas Party 2008...Same weight...

Mother's Day 2009...I wore the same top today at work and it hangs off of me now...

Me about a month after I started at ALIVE.  My trainer Ben and I...was about 340 lbs

Fall 2009...during one of my awesome workouts - one of my favorite pics of myself...probably about 335 lbs here...

Me deadlifting 245 lbs...highest weight I have deadlifted is 265 lbs...hope to do that again - in time... about 330lbs here...

Me last spring at my friend Linda's party...I was 325 lbs here and it wouldn't budge...stupid Seroquel...

Trip to Vegas in December 2010...325 lbs...sweet new dress though!

Me this past Christmas 2010

Me on my Birthday this past February - 2 weeks post op!  297 lbs!  Goodbye 300's FOREVER!!

One of my favorite "New" pics of me...289 lbs

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Goodbye Negative Thoughts!

This blog entry has taken me about 90 mins just to figure out what I want to type.  I've got so much "stuff" in my head that I want to say, but it's mostly in fragments.  I apologize in advance if it's all over the place!

Well - I'm happy to say I have "recovered" from last week's post.  Work has seemed to get a bit better, along with other aspects in my life.  I did stress about a few stupid things, but quickly caught myself and put a stop to it.  One thing I've been noticing and it's quite obvious to me is, while my body is losing weight, and feeling good, my brain has not quite caught up with it.  I keep getting this negative voice in my head that keeps telling me I'm not worth it, I'm gross, and I'm useless - now I know this is entirely not true - I know in my heart that being hard on myself like this is not going to help my weight loss...but I keep doing it.  I've been working with Veronica (my therapist) for quite a while on this - about six months in fact and the "homework" she had me do this past month, was to "confront" this negative voice - to actually talk to it OUTLOUD and tell it it had no business being in my head and talking to me that way - and I had to do this whenever and wherever the thought would come up.  I'm smiling right now as I type because I'm remembering me sitting on the bus and heading to work and this happening - and the looks that I got...oh well - whatever - at least I fit in with the rest of them!  Anybody that rides Calgary Transit knows what I am talking about!

This week had me thinking a lot about how I even began my lap-band journey.  I think about that evening last June when we got home from the gym and finding that letter from the Weight Management Program - I remember reading through it, rolling my eyes and throwing it in the garbage!  Then I remember telling Ben about it and him encouraging me to "go for it" and that this could only help me along my weight loss journey.  Ultimately yes, it was my decision to make and I thought long and hard about it and I'm so glad I decided to do it. I've also been thinking about a couple of my physical "breakthroughs" last summer.  I started tapering down on this drug called Seroquel that I was on to help me relax and sleep.  I was on as much as 150 mgs of the stuff - while I was going through withdrawl all summer long as I was tapering off  the stuff, I would come to my workouts either dizzy, nauseated, or having the shakes - and the most amazing thing was that Ben did not lose patience with me - I don't think there are many (if any) personal trainers out there that would take the time to be patient when it comes to stuff like this.  Whenever I would feel like giving up, he was there to guide me back on track - to help me see the bigger picture.  Both he and Holly have been very important in my life - by both going above and beyond to help me stay focused to reach my goal.  Kendra has also helped me a great deal - at the start of the summer last year, she had me kickboxing up and down the parking lot at ALIVE.  She pushed me beyond what I thought in my head that I was capable of.  She helped me to believe that I can do anything I set my heart out to do - and finish it.  

So, I know that with more determination, self-reliance and strength inside and out, I will be able to reach my goals that I set out for myself back on my birthday in February.  The only person I am up against is ME.  I am going keep challenging my negative thoughts and quash them.  I will not let them control me...anymore.

I am in the driver's seat.