Sunday, March 28, 2010

Long Week...

Holy moly...I have to admit something here...It's been a REALLY rough week for me...good thing is, I have come out of it relatively unscathed... :o)

The week started out with Brian getting pneumonia...  he's been really sick and coughing a ton as of late so he finally decided it was time for him to go to the doctor...the doctor told him he must stay at home and must NOT workout..I can't imagine how bored he must be - sitting there day after day, watching TV - cause there's nothing else to do but to do that and sleep!  Good thing is, is as of yesterday, he is finally starting to feel better.

Secondly - my Gecko is sick.  The vet doesn't really know what's wrong with her other than the possibility of her having ricketts - she won't eat or drink and frankly it's driving me I've been doing what the vet has told me to do and I've been doing forcefeeds and calcium supplements...she still hasn't eaten on her own. but I think she is close to getting better.

Thirdly, my cat Chibi is really sick...he has Hepatic Lipidosis.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a potentially fatal liver disease.  Fat cats who suddenly stop eating, end up getting most of their liver turning to fat - then they get jaundiced and nauseated and won't eat.  This, unfortunately is what is going on with Chibi.  So, we have to forcefeed him everyday and give him pills and liquid Amoxil.  My cat Simon (who has since gone to the Rainbow Bridge) had this three times in his lifetime - and we got through's hard to battle, but we can do it.

So, that's my week in a nutshell...and I'm hoping things just happen in threes!

Cheers to a better week ahead!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Resilience... has certainly been an "interesting" week to say the least.  I think I have learned more about myself in the last week than I have the last year.  Most importantly, I have finally come to realize how strong I am - I  hear a from a tonne of people about how physically strong I am - that I understand.  It's the "inner strength" that has taken me a long time to figure out.

On Monday, I probably felt the "darkest" I have in a long time.  I had zero sleep the night before (I was stressed out about Brian and his place of work) and felt horrible.  I felt like I was back in the "dark well" again...I'm imagining myself literally crawling my way up to the top - I can see the light above me....then suddenly, I slip somehow...back into the darkness.  I spent most of the day there - until a few of my friends stepped in and gave me a reality check...thank you - you know who you are. 

Needless to say, I was glad to see Veronica on Friday.  We discussed how strong I am...we discussed how resilient I am - that these "dark days" will happen from time to time, but they will only make me stronger. 

And I believe that.  I will roll with the punches....I will remain strong and confident!

And resilient!

Sunday, March 7, 2010


Wow...I thought I was going to update this thing every week...guess not.

I think I probably didn't update because I feel I really didn't have a whole lot of anything positive to report, and I don't have anything really horrible to comment about either. 

I look back at my last post and am amazed at how happy I was.  You see, I've had a bit of a down-spiral as of late - nothing really bad and earth shattering, but haven't really felt like myself.  I did so incredibly well with my sleep patterns in January - I felt like I was getting back to "normal"... Veronica keeps telling me that I will never go back to the way things were in my life - all I can do is just live each day the best I can. 

I think the biggest disapointment for me as of late is that I'm so FRUSTRATED with myself in regards to my medication that I'm taking.  I was hoping to be tapering off the dose and to be off of it in the next couple months.  That won't happen. In fact - I've been having to increase the dosage lately...I'm glad I get to see the doctor next week to discuss this...  I have to think realistically...I'm still having problems sleeping from time to time - BUT the panic attacks aren't nearly as bad as they were in October/November... It's a double-edged sword - If I don't take the medication, I'm up all night....If I do take it, I'm hard on myself!  I'm trying to keep thinking positively about how FAR I've come.  I need to be less hard on myself and love myself more - it's a neverending issue with me.

As far as my weight goes, I haven't weighed myself lately...I've been paying more attention to my mental health and ignoring the scale - don't get me wrong - I haven't fallen off the "Food Wagon" or anything - I've been eating pretty well actually...I'll probably hop on the scale tomorrow morning... :o)

I do have some positivity tho - I've been eating better, and have been doing well in the gym - last Monday was probably one of the BEST workouts I've had.  Ben increased the weight in pretty much everything...and I set a new personal record in my deadlifts...265 pounds!!

So...for the next while, I'm really going to try to be less hard on myself (easier said than done) and love myself more (again, easier said than done).  I'm going to try to take each day as it comes and try not to worry about the past or the future.

I'm going to move forward...