Finding Strength Within

Ok - I'm not going to sugar-coat this blog entry...this week has been stressful and challenging for me.  I was afraid of blogging a negative entry, but that wouldn't be truthful - and if you know me - you know that I'm blunt and to the point.  This week was my first week back at work - and things were RETARDED - I didn't get to chance to hardly breathe, nevermind work. 

I have some head stuff that I need to work through - most of it is mild and petty...I know that only I can control how I feel and react to the situation.  I was told by my surgeon, my dietician and a few of my fellow bandsters that my third week post op would be one of the most difficult weeks...I wish I had listened to them...lol  Difficult was an understatement.  Why is this a difficult time you ask?  Well at this point post op, I am allowed to eat solid foods and I have no restriction in my band yet - I just have to be careful and make good choices.  I have made great choices so far, but by Tuesday I started to get freaked out - trying to figure out what I could eat...I didn't want to go back to the way I was eating before my pre op diet - then when I thought I figured out what I could eat, I was afraid to eat it, either worried about it being caught in my band or being afraid that it was too high in calories or fat.  I had someone even suggest that I eat tuna salad with fat free mayonnaise...which is a great suggestion - but I was afraid to put the mayo on it - I kept saying out loud to myself that THAT is the kind of thing that got me fat in the first place!  No mayonnaise...I don't care if it's fat free...

So by Thursday, other than my oatmeal in the morning and my protein shake at the gym in the evening, I was eating very little during the day and had a huge headache and I was afraid to eat.  I've never been afraid to eat!  I kept trying to tell myself to smarten up and eat whatever I could...and I did - it was just very little.

I was so glad when Friday came - I got to see my therapist who I see once a month...it was quite the session...the thing I find amusing is that she knew I would be feeling this way and was prepared before I even got there.  I promised her before I left that I would NOT stop eating again and to call her if I was having issues again.

It has also been challenging for me with regards to my workouts - they are basically non-existent.  I have been listening to my surgeon's advice and not lifted anything for four weeks and just done cardio - either on the bike or treadmill...but it's SO boring...I want to get back into it so badly, but I know I need to just be patient - just one more week...actually it's less than a week now!  You know you are addicted to something when...lol  Oh well - I would rather be addicted to exercise than things I used to be addicted to like sugar and fatty foods and crap like that...

I did have some flickers of satisfaction and self-fulfillment this week though - I managed to turn down cake at a meeting at work on Thursday - and I actually didn't miss it!  That's a sign that I'm kicking my sugar addiction for good!  Then yesterday on the treadmill, I was doing running intervals at 6.0.  I haven't done that in over a year...my knee however, is paying for it today - guess it's back to the bike for me for the next few days.  I see my surgeon on Wednesday for my first post op visit - I am hoping he will let me go to kickboxing on Thursday - which would be one day shy of my four week of no lifting, no strength training etc.  I hope the workout gods will be with me!  lol...

So this week I've decided - will be more positive...I will be in more control of myself...I will dig deep and find my strength within.