Frustration and Fear - insert whine here!

What a crazy two weeks it has been...

I just got back from my trip to LasVegas on Wednesday evening...I had a great time with Angela, Marlo and Naomi...they are a great group of girls and they showed me all over the place.  I needed a trip just to get away and not think about things - plus I wanted to celebrate my upcoming surgery. 

For the first time since I was selected and now have my date set, real fear has set in.  I've been trying to figure out what exactly I'm afraid of and I've figured it out. 

I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid that I won't lose any weight after the surgery.  I'm afraid I'm always going to be 325 lbs.  I'm afraid of letting the people around me down but most of all, I'm afraid of letting myself down.  You see, it still is possible for me to "eat past the band" and not lose weight...in fact, I have heard of people that have actually GAINED weight with it.  I know deep down inside of me I have this burning desire to be what I want to be...I want to be stronger and fitter - let's face it - I will NEVER be skinny...and that's okay.  What I do want though, is to just be fit and happy (and below 200 lbs)...

I'm also feeling really apprehensive about the pre-op diet.  I have to drink four Optifast shakes a day plus all of the non-starchy veggies I want.  This will total 900 calories a day.  I'm afraid I won't be able to do it...I am afraid of failing...

Now for the frustration part...I'm fed up with my body...I'm fed up with and sick to death of my effing knees and my shoulder...there are some days (lately most days) that it takes me anywhere between 15 - 20  mins to get out of bed in the morning because I'm in so much pain...I'm frustrated with all of the pain medication I have to take now in order to go about my daily life.  I keep telling myself to suck it up - my Mom went through WAY more pain than I am having...I keep telling myself that the pain will subside after I've had the surgery and lost some weight...I know...I need to be patient - it took me years to get as big as I am - it's going to take a while to get it off...

I can't wait until January 24th...that's my surgery date.  January 3rd I start the pre-op diet.  It should be an interesting experience to say the least!  At least I have Christmas and New Years to eat whatever I want - well in moderation!

I hope I can do it all...