Monday, December 27, 2010

So Long Seroquel...

Wow...I did it...I made it through Christmas fairly unscathed...Christmas Eve was spent working until 3pm, then Brian and I went to a movie as I needed to get my mind of off things.  Christmas Eve was always a time my Mom loved and I missed her.  We saw The Fighter - wicked awesome movie and I would recommend everyone see it!  Christmas Day was spent resting as I had a headache from withdrawing from yeah you guessed it - Seroquel...but I am so very proud of myself - I can now say I'm officially OFF the stuff!  It's been a long fourteen months, and it did its job for what I needed it for...but now it's time...time for me to become stronger!   The rest of my X-mas was spent with other family and friends.  They took great care of me - thank you so know who you are :-)

Also, my surgery date has been post-poned to February first I was a little disappointed, but it's all good...I think it's just the anticipation of the whole thing and really - I just want to get it done and start my new life with my new body, and mind!

So long Seroquel! - I'd like to say it's been great...but I don't need you anymore!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Small Update

Well it's been quite the week - that's for sure...I'm glad it's pretty much over because I'm looking forward to starting fresh next week! 

This time of year has pretty much always been a difficult time for me.  I kept telling myself at the beginning of this month that it was going to be different this time - that I was not going to  get my mind stuck in negativity again...but I managed to do it again.  I've been thinking a lot about my Mom lately, but the good thing this year is that I'm not stuck in a big cloud of despair - I know that nothing is going to bring her back and that she is at peace - and I miss her - I always will and will always hold her in a special place in my heart...I'm going to really try and be more positive about Christmas this year -  I will get to spend it with John and Kelley and Maggie and John's family and that will be wonderful...I will do it in small baby steps - but I will do it!

Secondly - I've had some time to think about my last post and how afraid I was about my upcoming surgery.  I've really had some time to think hard and dig deep and I know that I will be able to do this...with regards to the pre-op diet, I'm going to have my good days and bad days, but all I will have to do is just focus...focus on the big picture and not give up.  I'm so excited about what my body is going to be capable of once I lose the strong I'm going to become.

So...I'm going to start with setting some small goals for first small goal I want to achieve is to be below 300 lbs...and I'm pretty sure with my pre-op diet, I'm going to blow that away! :o)

So much excitement for me in the next coupla months and I know with a focused mind and positive attitude, it's going to be GREAT!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Frustration and Fear - insert whine here!

What a crazy two weeks it has been...

I just got back from my trip to LasVegas on Wednesday evening...I had a great time with Angela, Marlo and Naomi...they are a great group of girls and they showed me all over the place.  I needed a trip just to get away and not think about things - plus I wanted to celebrate my upcoming surgery. 

For the first time since I was selected and now have my date set, real fear has set in.  I've been trying to figure out what exactly I'm afraid of and I've figured it out. 

I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid that I won't lose any weight after the surgery.  I'm afraid I'm always going to be 325 lbs.  I'm afraid of letting the people around me down but most of all, I'm afraid of letting myself down.  You see, it still is possible for me to "eat past the band" and not lose fact, I have heard of people that have actually GAINED weight with it.  I know deep down inside of me I have this burning desire to be what I want to be...I want to be stronger and fitter - let's face it - I will NEVER be skinny...and that's okay.  What I do want though, is to just be fit and happy (and below 200 lbs)...

I'm also feeling really apprehensive about the pre-op diet.  I have to drink four Optifast shakes a day plus all of the non-starchy veggies I want.  This will total 900 calories a day.  I'm afraid I won't be able to do it...I am afraid of failing...

Now for the frustration part...I'm fed up with my body...I'm fed up with and sick to death of my effing knees and my shoulder...there are some days (lately most days) that it takes me anywhere between 15 - 20  mins to get out of bed in the morning because I'm in so much pain...I'm frustrated with all of the pain medication I have to take now in order to go about my daily life.  I keep telling myself to suck it up - my Mom went through WAY more pain than I am having...I keep telling myself that the pain will subside after I've had the surgery and lost some weight...I know...I need to be patient - it took me years to get as big as I am - it's going to take a while to get it off...

I can't wait until January 24th...that's my surgery date.  January 3rd I start the pre-op diet.  It should be an interesting experience to say the least!  At least I have Christmas and New Years to eat whatever I want - well in moderation!

I hope I can do it all...