Saturday, December 19, 2009


I haven't posted in a while - mainly because I haven't had much to say...or should I say I haven't had much of anything positive to say.  Things have actually been going quite well for me mentally - I've been sleeping every night, which is a feat for me... those of you that know me, know that for the past four months, there have been nights where I haven't slept at all.  My doctor put my on some heavy duty drugs and they seem to be helping - I've been doing my hypnosis that Veronica, my therapist has suggested, and that works wonders for me.  We got all of our renovations done also - beautiful hardwood floors, and nice new shiny tile in the kitchen...and new workouts at the gym have been pretty kick ass - at least I would like to think so...and it's Christmas.  So why do I feel like a huge bag of shit???

I miss my mom.  I hurt inside to know she won't be here with us this year.  She should be here with us...she should be here to watch her granddaughter open her gifts.  She should be here to pick at me like she used to.  I know she is gone - and I know that she was in pain and didn't want to be here anymore.  I'm trying to "buck up" and try and be happy because it's Christmas - and I don't want to be a downer.  I've spent most of this week tearing up cause I'm constantly thinking about her.  I just want the holidays to come and go.  My therapist has suggested I do something special to remind us about her.  So...I've decided to light a candle - a candle in memory of her.  I'm going to pick out a three wick (three for each one of her daughters) one that's red.  Red and other fall colors were her favorite.  I'm also going to pick out a smaller one for Maggie to light.

Point here is I'm trying...I'm trying so freakin hard to pull it together...I know that if she were here, she would be so proud of me.  She would be proud of all of us.  One of my co-workers has been chatting a lot to me this week about my mom and the holidays.  She's been VERY supportive and caring.  She suggested that I just take my mom with me - hold her in my heart and remember the good times...remember past Christmas's that were good - like when we were growing up...we would go to Church on X-mas Eve, sing in the choir, and then come home and be together.  My mom loved music. 

So...I'm going to really try and make this Christmas a positive one.  I'm going to light the candle...I'm going to play music that she loved...I'm going to take her with me...

But most of all...I'm going to persevere.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Getting There...

Well, it's been about two weeks since I was put on stress-leave from work...I go back this Tuesday. It's weird...some days I feel like I can conquer anything...yesterday was not one of those days however. I was thinking of my mom a lot - wishing she was here. I know she's no longer in pain and in a better place, but sometimes it hurts as much as the night we found her. I know, in time, my life will get better - just wish that it wouldn't be at such a slow rate! My therapist keeps telling me not to be so hard on myself - that eventually, I will think of my mom and not feel so empty inside - that all I will think of is happy memories.

I hope I'm ready to go back to work. I feel better. I've been going to the gym almost every day and that seems to be helping. I just want to be able to feel as though I'm having a normal life.

And I'm getting there...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

How it all began...

I remember that day vividly...It all started with a phone call from my brother-in-law Harvey. He started the convo by saying:

"I want you to meet someone."

Now, of course I was hesitant. Who did he want to introduce me to? Then he said: Holly and Ben from Alive Personal Training. I won't lie...I froze. I did NOT want ANYTHING to do with a gym, nevermind some crazy trainer jock barking and yelling orders at me to anything they wanted me to do! Simply put, I was NOT INTERESTED IN THE LEAST. I had been watching Brian's reactions after his visits (he had started two days before this with Damir) at Alive and saw how sore he had been the next day...but he was loving it. Harvey just kept on me, telling me that all they wanted to do was to talk to me. I agreed to come, but only on the grounds that we would just "talk" - nothing else! As far as I was concerned, I was only there for Brian (at the time) and I was going to do Curves on my own. LOL

I arrived at Alive after work - it was a Friday and simply put, I felt like CRAP. I was sad...I had lost my mom five months ago and was still in the anger stage. I had also just started a weight-loss program at the Lefebvre Clinic. Now, those of you that don't know about this clinic - they put you on extremely low levels of calories. They had Brian on 1,500 and me on 1,000. They like your body to go into ketosis - which burns fat, but not at a safe rate, and can be VERY hard on your kidneys...not a healthy way to lose weight at all. I had been following the diet all week and felt so weak that I could hardly put a sentence together! Ben took one look at me and asked Holly to get me a protein shake!

Ben took me to the back room and we talked. I wont' go into details about what we talked about, but all I will say is that it changed my life. He somehow got me to think about myself (for a change) and what I wanted to do with my life. I decided I didn't want to be "Fat Kristy" anymore.

I didn't want to be "Sad Kristy" anymore.

I signed up after that, and haven't looked back since.

It's been a bit of a whirlwind since we (Brian and I) joined Alive and it's been one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I am down almost 50 lbs and Brian is down almost 55 lbs. I am so proud of our accomplishments so far, and I know with more hard work and the support we get from our trainers, Ben, Damir and Holly, we WILL succeed!

Stay tuned....