Sunday, March 7, 2010


Wow...I thought I was going to update this thing every week...guess not.

I think I probably didn't update because I feel I really didn't have a whole lot of anything positive to report, and I don't have anything really horrible to comment about either. 

I look back at my last post and am amazed at how happy I was.  You see, I've had a bit of a down-spiral as of late - nothing really bad and earth shattering, but haven't really felt like myself.  I did so incredibly well with my sleep patterns in January - I felt like I was getting back to "normal"... Veronica keeps telling me that I will never go back to the way things were in my life - all I can do is just live each day the best I can. 

I think the biggest disapointment for me as of late is that I'm so FRUSTRATED with myself in regards to my medication that I'm taking.  I was hoping to be tapering off the dose and to be off of it in the next couple months.  That won't happen. In fact - I've been having to increase the dosage lately...I'm glad I get to see the doctor next week to discuss this...  I have to think realistically...I'm still having problems sleeping from time to time - BUT the panic attacks aren't nearly as bad as they were in October/November... It's a double-edged sword - If I don't take the medication, I'm up all night....If I do take it, I'm hard on myself!  I'm trying to keep thinking positively about how FAR I've come.  I need to be less hard on myself and love myself more - it's a neverending issue with me.

As far as my weight goes, I haven't weighed myself lately...I've been paying more attention to my mental health and ignoring the scale - don't get me wrong - I haven't fallen off the "Food Wagon" or anything - I've been eating pretty well actually...I'll probably hop on the scale tomorrow morning... :o)

I do have some positivity tho - I've been eating better, and have been doing well in the gym - last Monday was probably one of the BEST workouts I've had.  Ben increased the weight in pretty much everything...and I set a new personal record in my deadlifts...265 pounds!!

So...for the next while, I'm really going to try to be less hard on myself (easier said than done) and love myself more (again, easier said than done).  I'm going to try to take each day as it comes and try not to worry about the past or the future.

I'm going to move forward...

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