The title says it all.
It's been a roller coaster of a ride the last few months. I haven't been feeling great, both physically and emotionally. I've been gaining weight and not feeling good about myself.
I was in denial. Up until about three weeks ago.
When I got out of bed on a Monday morning, my knees gave out on me. I literally had to crawl to the bathroom. I think this was my "bottoming out point." As I sat on the floor in my bathroom, bawling my eyes out, all I could think of was how could I have let myself get this way again? Why won't my knees work? Oh ya that's right...you fat piece of Sh$t...you did it again - you were given this opportunity and have screwed it all up and gained all the weight back that you lost.
This was not the truth. I knew deep down inside I hadn't gained all the weight back. I knew I had gained some, but refused to get back on the scale. I was fed up with myself.
But I continued to eat crap for the next three days.
Then I did something.
I reached out. I reached out for help. As soon as I got to work that day I called my lapband psychologist. I was lucky to get in to see her the following Monday.
The appointment went as well as can be expected. She listened to me as I poured out my fears and anger to her. Anger at myself, and fear about a loved one. I told her I was ashamed of myself and how I let things get out of control. She encouraged me to keep going and to start thinking of myself again. She also encouraged me to book an appointment with one of the dieticians and for a fill.
I left her office feeling calmer - which was good. I hadn't felt calm in about four months, so this was progress.
I saw the dietcian the next week. I told her I had gained some weight and that I needed to go over my food logs and get back on track. She agreed. When the end of the appointment was nearing, I asked her - "Don't you want to weigh me?" She didn't think it was necessary and thought it would upset me. I told her I wanted to be held accountable for my gain - so I stepped on the scale.
I had gained 40 lbs. Exactly.
I turned to her and told her that no, I wasn't happy, but that it was time for me to move forward. No more looking back. From now on, I was going to be honest with myself, log all my food and keep my exercise up. She liked my plan.
So did I.
I talked to a few other lapbanders online and they encouraged me to start the 5 day pouch test. It was to help me get back on track and start using my band the way it's supposed to - like a tool.
At the end of the pouch test, I lost 11 lbs! I felt great of what I had accomplished.
But most of all...I felt in control again.
I also saw my surgeon on Friday for a fill - while he seemed a bit disappointed with my gain - he was happy to see that I was using all of the resources made available to me to be successful.
I am so fortunate to have the support I do have. I just needed to reach out for help. I'm not really sure why I didn't earlier - I think I was just comfortable lying to myself and trying to stay oblivious to what was happening.
I'm now down a total for the week of 12 lbs. I am so happy with myself - proud of myself. I'm also excited that my dietician "hooked me up" with another member in the Weight Management Program. It's awesome that we can draw support from each other, and I'm looking forward to getting to know her more.
A big thank you to my lapband team, my fellow lapbanders and lapbanders to be! Without you, I would probably still be sitting on my couch, too ashamed to reach out for help.
And have made a new committment to myself to NEVER go down this path again. I will reach out for help when I need it and use my band - my tool - the way it's supposed to be!