Sunday, January 22, 2012


It is hard to just 34 days I will turn 40. 

I do not feel 34 days away from being 40.  I was looking at my blog post: 10 Things! and I had to smile.  On my 39th Birthday last year, I posted 10 specific goals that I wanted to achieve before I turned 40.  I am happy to report I have achieved FIVE of them!  One of them I achieved just this past Monday.  In my Monday Turn and Burn class, I did 10 mens pushups without stopping.  Sure, I squeeked the last one out, but I did it.  I DID IT!!! 

There are a couple of goals on there that I wish I had achieved, but I am okay with it.  I need to shed a few more pounds before I can really get down and get into doing it again - those are my deadlifts.  I miss doing them - but I want to make sure I am careful - and only do them when I have a spotter.  I did do them just over a month ago and got up to 200lbs.  Slow and steady they say!  The other one was the unassisted pull-ups, but considering they are one of the hardest upper body exercises around,  I figure I need to shed more weight off this currentlly 270 body of mine. 

Speakingn of that - I am now TWELVE pounds away from being 100 lbs down.  While I would like to be down 100 lbs by my birthday, I know in my heart, I have won.  I am winning this battle with myself.  My clothes are fitting looser again, and I am feeling the best that I have in ages.  I am finally feeling strong and sure of myself - that in itself is more than losing 100 lbs to me. 

So the countdown is on...the countdown until I turn 40.  If I hit my 100lbs down by then...AWESOME!!  If I do not...that is okay.  In my heart, I have already done it.  A number does not define me.

Cheers to a great week everyone!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

"Shake It Out!"

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Throughout my blog, I use music and the lyrics from some of my favourite songs to get my feelings across.  This song in particular, I really relate to.  I've had to "Shake out" some of my regrets and anxiety - and still am.  I think we all do to a point.  Each and every one of us has done something in our pasts that have somehow affected our future.  I will ALWAYS take responsibility for how I got obese.  I was in a horrible relationship that was abusive in every way.  I let it control me and I turned to food when I was sad or upset.  I still do that from time to time, but it no longer rules me.  The next step for me now is to shake out this anxiety I've had ever since my Mom died.  In two days it will be three years that she has been gone - I have not felt great this week and I'm pretty sure that is why.  Of course I miss her - more than words can say - I wish she was here with us - and she is in her own way.  Grief is a pretty remarkable thing.  One minute I feel so strong, that I feel I can conquer anything...then the next moment, I'm crying in my bed in the fetal position.  I know that in time, the anxiety will shake itself out and I will start to feel better again - it has already started.

I love you Mamma....Hope Heaven is treating you well... XOXOXOXOXO

I had a pretty good week with my fitness and nutrition.  On Tuesday, I was already down eight pounds - almost lost all of the water-weight!  By my weigh-in day on Friday, I had lost a total of seven pounds.  Seven pounds in one week!  Heck yes...I will take it and RUN!!  I worked out hard again - only took Wednesday off because of my lap-band meeting.  The only thing that lacked a bit was my strength training.  I will go hard on Wednesday evening :-)
It is freakin cold here today too - and it is not supposed to let up until Friday.  All week long it is supposed to only be a high of minus 20 for each day pretty much.  As much as I know this is Calgary, and this is the way it still sucks.  It will be nice when a chinook rolls around by Friday. 

Stay warm (or cool if you live in a warm climate) and have a good week everyone!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Sodium is EVIL

I've had a pretty nice week off!  I got to spend some time with friends whom I don't get a lot of time to see due to different schedules...Brian and I got to see a couple of movies, and I spent twice a day at the gym.  I really enjoyed the daytime classes - they were different and just what my body needed.

I stepped on the scale this morning, and lo and behold...I GAINED NINE POUNDS.  My first reaction was to weigh myself again...and again and could this be??!  I exercised like a fiend, and ate within my calories - I only went outside my calories on one day.  So...when I started to look through my food log I noticed one glaring aspect.  My sodium intake was through the roof!  The human body should only be consuming no more than 2300mg of sodium per day.  I was doubling that.  I did eat out quite often, and while I thought it was great that I was staying within my calorie range, the amount of sodium was incredible. 

So, needless to say, I am glad that I am going  back to work tomorrow and will be back to my normal routine - which will consist of ZERO times eating out.  I will be back to my regular foods and my regular schedule.

I did have a NSV of sorts this week though.  After one of my classes on Friday, a fellow class participant who I rarely talk to came up to me and told me that she can tell that I've lost weight since I've been coming to the YMCA.  Needless to say, I was kind of taken aback, but did tell her that she made my day.  To have basically a stranger come up and tell me that speaks volumes and makes me feel like I want to keep going and keep focused!

Here's hoping next week's weigh in will be a positive experience! 

Sunday, January 1, 2012

No Resolutions!

Happy 2012 Everyone!

So...Resolutions...why do we make them?  We wake up on January 1st and make all these "Resolutions" to ourselves.  Sure, for the first few weeks, we follow our new healthy meal plans and go to the gym with all the rest of them.  We tell ourselves that we will be "good" and we will make these resolutions to live a more healthy lifestyle.  How many of us actually stick to these promises that we make to ourselves?

I decided two years ago never to make these resolutions to myself again.  Sure, I did it.  I woke up on January 1st and told myself I was going to eat better...that I was going to go to "a gym" and exercise. 

I never did it. 

Instead, I've made a conscious effort to make "promises" to myself.  The one promise I really want to make to myself is to just be happy.  I would be lying if I said that 2011 was a stellar year for me.  It was not.  I struggled with the food aspect, but most of all I struggled with depression and I struggled with self-worth. 

If I learned anything this past year however, it would be realizing how much inner-strength I have.  There were so many times when I wanted to give up.  I wanted to just say "screw it" and not do this journey anymore.  I even went through a whole weekend of not exercising and not eating properly - just to see if I could go back to my old habits.  And you know what?  It didn't work.   It didn't last.  My "new" habits that I have formed kicked into full gear and I will never go back to that feeling again. 

When ALIVE closed down, and Ben and Holly moved away, I felt as though I lost my support system altogether.  I didn't realize it at the time, but this was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me.  It made me realize that I did and do have a support system - ME.  Only I can take care of myself and fight my battle with obesity on my own.  Sure, it's awesome to have friends along the way and it's wonderful to have a work out buddy from time to time.  I love that.  I love all of the support and encouragement I have recieved from my family and friends.  I am finally realizing that I am responsible for my future weight loss and goals...

I am realizing just how strong I am on on the inside.  Thank you to all of you that have been there for me - encouraging and supporting me along the way.  I am really looking forward to this year and all of the challenges it hold for me.  I am looking forward to not only meeting some weight loss goals, but other goals such as happiness and peace - within myself.

So, screw those "New Year's Resolutions" and start making promises to yourself.  Promise to live each day just being happy...

I am.