Sunday, January 10, 2010

Ups and Downs

Well, it's been a pretty good start to the year.  I've lost my "Christmas Food" weight and am back on track!  I've lost six pounds this past week and feel pretty damn good about it.  On Monday, I also deadlifted 245 lbs. - which is a record for me, and I'm looking forward to increasing it.  Mentally, I've also been feeling better - for the most part. 

Today, unfortunately...I was off.

In a week...January 17th, will mark the one year anniversary of my mom's passing.  Today, would mark the last time I spoke to her.  I remember the conversation and how great it was.  I made plans to go and visit her - in fact, I was supposed to go and see her the day after we found her...I feel so empty inside...

But mostly....I hurt.  I miss her so much.  I wish she was here.  I keep having that week before, the day before and the day of her passing coming back into my mind.  It still feels so fresh to me - like a scab keeps being ripped off a festering sore.  It sucks and I hate it.  I'm tired of listening to my other friends talk about their moms cause well...I don't have one anymore.  All of this, I've talked to Veronica (my therapist) about and she tells me that it's completely normal what I'm feeling.  Well right this very moment, I don't feel normal.  I feel empty...I feel cheated.

But most of all...

I feel sad.


  1. big hugs, cousin.

    btw, I like the font of your New Year's posting - big and white, easy to read. The smaller font is difficult and the red is impossible. But I'm glad you're writing - hope it's therapeutic for you.

  2. Thanks for your suggestions Val....I will fix the font :o) Thanks for the hugs too...I seem to be needing them as of late.