For the past three days I've been trying to figure out what to post. I've been in kind of a bad place as of late. I've allowed some negative feelings to get the best of me and I haven't made the greatest of food choices. I have even decreased my exercise the past couple of weeks.
It all kind of came to a head this past Tuesday morning when I saw the psychologist in my lap band program. I have been seeing her monthly for follow up visits and to just touch base with how everything has been going for me. I told her that I was feeling very frustrated with how I was feeling - that I felt like I wasnt making any progress. She then said something that has been resonating in my head over and over... "Kristy - you must start to accept your body just the way it is now." "You really won't be losing much more and you need to accept that."
Uhhhh...pardon me...but WTF?!?!?! Accept my body the way it is??? The last I checked, I still have 110lbs to lose. I'm sorry, but no - I can't accept that.
And that's just what I told her. I will not and won't accept that. I spent 20+ years saying that to myself - lying to myself and telling myself that it was okay to be as fat as I was. That's how I got up to 360 lbs...that's NOT okay. Her response to all of that was, that she was discharging me from her care and that she felt I didn't need her - that I could do the rest of it without her.
Do the rest without HER??? I wanted to tell her to get over herself - but I all I could manage to mumble was thank you and goodbye.
So ya. I've been angry and hurt and then angry some more. Angry that she told me this and angry that she's probably telling other people in my group the same thing.
I also saw my new doctor about a week ago for my physical. He said I was in terrific shape for someone my age. He was pleased with my BP (although it was up a little bit - I contribute it to the fact that he's really nice to look at and he made me nervous) and my cholesterol and blood sugar were all normal...my ECG was normal and everything else...everything else BUT...
Ya you guessed it...my weight. He was different from all of the other doctors that have discussed the weight issue with me tho. He was patient but was very frank with me. We talked about how my knees have been in the worst shape of my life the past month. My good knee now clicks and cracks and is swollen. I can no longer do squats or lunges. In fact, two weeks ago at the gym, I had to take the elevator instead of the stairs up to the weight room floor. I was mortified and embarrassed with myself. I just couldn't get my knees to even bend in the manner you need to get up a simple flight of stairs....so, I took most of last week off and tried to rest them the best I could. I went back today to do my cardio, and I could get up the stairs, although slowly.
Anyway - back to my doctor's appt. He told me if I didn't lose the weight, I probably wouldn't be able to walk by the time I reach 45. All the meds in the world couldn't help - I need to get this weight off. I wholeheartedly agreed with him. I know I need to do this...get the weight off to help my knees.
So I guess the major point of my post was to get some stuff off my chest. I WILL continue on this journey of weight loss and I will NOT accept the way things are.
So this week my goals are:
1. NO WHEAT!
2. Exercise every day but Wednesday.
3. NO cheating at work.
4. Be nice to my knees :-)
5. Stay FOCUSED
It's gonna be a good week...See?? I knew that posting this blog tonight would make me feel better!