The dress

I've been kickin' butt lately.  I feel good.  I feel happy.  For the most part I'm in control of my eating habits - I've fallen a little bit off the "Christmas Treats at Work" wagon, but I'm refusing to beat myself up about it.  I've done it...I've indulged a bit here and there, but it's time to move on.

I've lost quite a bit of weight in the last month.  I won't go into details about how much, but enough where I am noticing it again.  We had our company Christmas Party a couple of weekends ago and Brian insisted I buy a new dress for it.  So off I went to Penningtons grudgingly.  Brian's friend Monique joined us and she helped me pick out my dress.  I remember looking at it on the hanger and hating it at first.  Monique just told me to try it on anyway so I did.  I remember looking at myself in the mirror with it on and thinking:  "Hey...I look pretty good!"  Then a complete stranger walked up to me and told me she hoped that I would buy that dress because it looked amazing on me. 

She had me at that.  I walked back into the change room, looked at myself again and broke down.  These were happy tears this time.  I kept thinking to myself "I'm back!  I'm back on track! And DAMN!!  I look wicked!"  Then I said the same thing out loud to myself. 

I have never done that before.

Here are a couple of pictures of me in my new dress.  I love the way I feel and look in it.

 

 



 

Ben also came to town last week - it was awesome to see him and to catch up.  He told me that I looked the best I have ever looked since I met him and Holly...coming from him, that means a lot.  We had a great workout and it was just the "recharge" that I needed.

Sometimes, all it takes is being gentle with yourself and giving yourself credit.  I know I don't give myself enough credit, and this is going to stop. 

I am one amazing, strong and competent chick...and nothing is going to stop me!

Merry Christmas everyone! 

Cheers!

K

Peanut Butter

The title says it all...

I have a huge addiction to peanut butter.  There I said it.  I think admitting it is the first step to recovery right? 

I think my addiction has gotten a little out of control though.  You see, I don't just have a taste - I go big or go home.  I always make sure I pack it in my lunch when I'm getting ready for work in the morning - and have realized something.  I've been lying to myself.  Sure, I fill my little rubbermaid 3 ounce container and keep telling myself it only equals two tablespoons.

WRONG!!!!

It finally occurred to me to actually measure it properly, and it comes out to about 4 tablespoons...about 400-500 extra calories a day. 

So I have since then made a promise to myself.  That I am going to slowly wean myself off the stuff.  I really shouldn't have it in my house...period.  The next couple of weeks, I am really going to give it an honest try and eat less and less of it until I don't need it anymore.  I'm going to check out this new stuff called PB2 - that lots of people are raving about.

I think I am also emotionally attached to the stuff.  I know...it sounds totally silly and ridiculous, but it's true.  I remember when I was in Kingergarten and Grade one - coming home at lunchtime on cold days and my Mom welcoming me home with a nice peanut butter sandwich - and hot chocolate of course :-)  I loved it.  I think a lot about my Mom when I eat peanut butter - we always had it in the house when we were growing up.  If Mom wasn't making me a sandwich, Dad was and it was always with lots of honey too! 

Somehow...I need to get over this emotional attachment.  It's going to take some time and lots of patience on my part, but I will get through it.

I've also lost 15.5 lbs in 4 weeks!  I'm so happy about it.  I've worked really hard and really focused myself.  I'm still having a few issues with hypoglycemia, but am really working hard to try and take regular breaks at work.  My body is still adjusting to the drop in calories.

I got up to 224 lbs on my deadlifts too!  I'm pretty stoked about it and am looking forward to going heavier in the next few weeks.  Thanks to Patrick and Brian for supporting me through it.  Patrick, you are amazing!  Thanks!

 

Bring on the next four weeks!!

Have Patience!

Well here I am again...two weeks in a row in fact. 

I've had a pretty damn good week, and it ended even better this morning with the awesome news that a friend of a friend had woken up from her two week coma.  She had been diagnosed with bacterial pneumonia and had to be intubated.  This past Tuesday, her family had been told that all hope was lost and she was not going to wake up, and her lungs were so necrosed from the infection.  Well lo and behold, this morning she opened her eyes and knew who everyone was and what was going on.  It's going to be a long haul of healing for her, but at least we know she will be fine.

I saw my lap band dietitian and surgeon on Friday.  I won't deny it, I was nervous and worried about how the whole thing was going to go down.  I chatted for a while with the dietitian and when I told her about what my therapist had told me she was quite disappointed with what I had been told.  We also agreed that I had not been coming in enough to get my fills - in other words, I had not been using my band to the fullest.  By the end of our meeting, we had made a deal that I was going to make regular monthly appointments to get my fills until I had hit my sweet spot and start losing regularly.  She was impressed with the fact that I had lost over 9 lbs in two weeks - but that I need to lean on them more and work my band the way it's supposed to.  My surgeon agreed with all of this and was really great with me.  When I told him I was considering getting my band removed, he replied with "You know Kristy, there is a reason you were chosen for this surgery.  You have the determination, and perseverance and discipline to do this, so I think you just need to have more patience and work the band like it's supposed to."  He gave me .4cc's and I have to say, it feels like it's the most restriction I have ever had.  I now have a total of 6.6 cc's in my 10 cc band.  Other than an episode with some peanut butter yesterday, I've been really cautious with what I put in my mouth and the amount I put in my mouth.  I only eat until I am no longer hungry and it feels good.  I hope this amount of restriction stays.

Another great thing to happen this week was that I deadlifted 215 lbs on Wednesday.  I wasn't sure if I could do it, but with Patrick and Brian pushing me and supporting me to get there, I did it.  It felt so good to get back to that point again.  My knees felt good aftewards and the only thing to bother me a bit was my right elbow - which is kind of weird but whatever.  I am hoping to up the weight by 5 lbs this week so we will see. 

Also, on Friday I when I stepped on the scale, I managed to lose 1.3 lbs.  That's 9.3 lbs in two weeks!  I have been so careful with what I've been eating lately.  I do admit, I have had a couple of minor oops's at work, but I've really tried hard to use my willpower skills :-)

This week is going to be even better...I can feel it!

Have a great week everyone!

Prove Them Wrong

I have to be honest here...I've been a bad blogger.  I haven't kept up to date with it - I used to blog every week, and I don't really know why I've stopped, but starting today, I'm going to really try to make the effort to blog more.  I find it therapeutic and it helps me with my weight loss efforts.

I've had a lot to think about as of late.  For a while, I couldn't get what my therapist told me out of my head the last time I saw her.  I was so angry with her.  She is supposed to be a person of trust and knowledge and support.  I felt none of that after I saw her.  I fact, I have felt the most alone in my journey than I have EVER.  Then my lap-band friend Angela sat me down and we had a good chat.  She too, was also taken aback with the therapist's comments.  We went over my food journals and had a good chat about everything.  Then she told me something that has been resonating in my head for weeks now.  "PROVE THEM WRONG."  "Prove to them Kristy that you can do this...that you have it in yourself to do this and get it done."  Thank you Angela...you have inspired me yet again to get back on track and work harder!  Your support means the world to me.

So I've done just that.  Yes it's taken me a few weeks to get over my pity party, but I'm doing it.  I lost EIGHT pounds last week alone.  How did I do this?  I went through my food journal and figured out I was eating WAY too many carbs...and I was over-eating on the weekends too.  Both of these I have managed to fix.  I have also increased my cardio and have added it into EVERY workout.  Also last week, I managed to sleep a heck of a lot better too.  I'm not quite sure how I managed that, but I did.  I also focused a lot more on saying NO to crap at work.  We had a celebration for a co-worker on Thursday and I allowed myself a piece of cake..but it was a SMALL piece.  Hey...you gotta start somewhere!

I had kind of a discouraging visit with my doctor on Wednesday.  My knees are so painful and swollen at the moment.  I asked him for a refill on my Arthrotec - to which he told me that he wanted me to cut down almost entirely on that and just take Extra Strength Tylenol!  He told me the Arthrotec could cause kidney, liver and stomach issues.  Then he told me to get a cane.  I almost laughed out loud -- thought he was kidding.  He wasn't.  He also gave me another prescription for Arthrotec - but only to be taken on my "Flare up" days...which is almost every day right now...and he also gave me and rx for a new type of ointment that is loaded with analgesics.  Then he got on me about my weight again.  I told him I was trying my best and he just told me it was EXTREMELY critical that I get this weight off.  His words have given me even more of an incentive to try harder to lose the weight and get my knees better.  I am not a surgical candidate either, so it is really time for me to buckle down and get this done.

So that is where I am at right now.  I am going to prove them (the lap band support group leaders) that I can do this MY way.  But most of all, I am going to prove it to myself that I am capable and strong enough to get this done.

That is all.  Stay tuned!

As Good As It Gets??

For the past three days I've been trying to figure out what to post.  I've been in kind of a bad place as of late.  I've allowed some negative feelings to get the best of me and I haven't made the greatest of food choices.  I have even decreased my exercise the past couple of weeks.

It all kind of came to a head this past Tuesday morning when I saw the psychologist in my lap band program.  I have been seeing her monthly for follow up visits and to just touch base with how everything has been going for me.  I told her that I was feeling very frustrated with how I was feeling - that I felt like I wasnt making any progress.  She then said something that has been resonating in my head over and over... "Kristy - you must start to accept your body just the way it is now."  "You really won't be losing much more and you need to accept that." 

Uhhhh...pardon me...but WTF?!?!?!  Accept my body the way it is???  The last I checked, I still have 110lbs to lose.  I'm sorry, but no - I can't accept that. 

And that's just what I told her.  I will not and won't accept that.  I spent 20+ years saying that to myself - lying to myself and telling myself that it was okay to be as fat as I was.  That's how I got up to 360 lbs...that's NOT okay.  Her response to all of that was, that she was discharging me from her care and that she felt I didn't need her - that I could do the rest of it without her. 

Do the rest without HER???  I wanted to tell her to get over herself - but I all I could manage to mumble was thank you and goodbye. 

So ya.  I've been angry and hurt and then angry some more.  Angry that she told me this and angry that she's probably telling other people in my group the same thing. 

I also saw my new doctor about a week ago for my physical.  He said I was in terrific shape for someone my age.  He was pleased with my BP (although it was up a little bit - I contribute it to the fact that he's really nice to look at and he made me nervous) and my cholesterol and blood sugar were all normal...my ECG was normal and everything else...everything else BUT...

Ya you guessed it...my weight.  He was different from all of the other doctors that have discussed the weight issue with me tho.  He was patient but was very frank with me.  We talked about how my knees have been in the worst shape of my life the past month.  My good knee now clicks and cracks and is swollen.  I can no longer do squats or lunges.  In fact, two weeks ago at the gym, I had to take the elevator instead of the stairs up to the weight room floor.  I was mortified and embarrassed with myself.  I just couldn't get my knees to even bend in the manner you need to get up a simple flight of stairs....so, I took most of last week off and tried to rest them the best I could.  I went back today to do my cardio, and I could get up the stairs, although slowly. 

Anyway - back to my doctor's appt.  He told me if I didn't lose the weight, I probably wouldn't be able to walk by the time I reach 45.  All the meds in the world couldn't help - I need to get this weight off.  I wholeheartedly agreed with him.  I know I need to do this...get the weight off to help my knees.

So I guess the major point of my post was to get some stuff off my chest.  I WILL continue on this journey of weight loss and I will NOT accept the way things are. 

So this week my goals are:

1.  NO WHEAT!
2.  Exercise every day but Wednesday.
3.  NO cheating at work.
4.  Be nice to my knees :-)
5.  Stay FOCUSED

It's gonna be a good week...See??  I knew that posting this blog tonight would make me feel better!

Cheers!

Kris

Summertime Fun and New Job!

It's summer.

But I know you already know that.

Summer is that time of year where people relax, take vacations, and enjoy the weather. 

I did all of the above - I didn't go anywhere this year - we usually just stick around town and have our "staycation" and go to movies and hang out with friends.  The last couple of summers, I have been very rigid with myself when it comes to my exericise regime and my eating habits.

This year...not so much.

I wanted to relax more - which apparently I needed to do.  I got out with friends and went to a few movies.  But I also cut back on my exercise and pretty much ate what I wanted. 

And yeah...I've gained a little bit of weight.  But you know what?  Oh well. 

This time around, I'm not going to freak out about it.  I have worked really freaking hard lately and I know I will lose the weight again.  I fell off the wagon, but have gotten back on.  Shit happens...and I'm dealing with it.  I wanted to have fun this summer and I did...my routine fell out the window - my fitness classes at the YMCA ended for the summer and I was on my own - or I felt that way...and that's okay.  I know how to kick my own ass when I need to.

Onto more positive things...I got a new job!  It's the Administrative Assistant position in the same department where I am presently.  It's a step up and I am so happy about it.  I am happy that I get to stay working with the same great group that I currently work with.  I am hoping to start it near the end of September, but that will be dependant on how the training goes with the person that takes over my present position. 

So that's my summer so far in a nutshell...lots of relaxing, laughing, and just having fun - something I just haven't done in a LONG TIME...oh ya...and a new job to look forward to!

In case you are wondering...yes I am back to my routine...eating clean (well most of the time) and exercising 5-6 times a week.

Onwards and upwards!

K

Yoga...it's Important!

It's been a while since I've been here.  I actually had a co-worker come up to me this week and inquire as to why I haven't blogged in a long time.  Life has just been busy...I've been on holidays and to tell the truth, I haven't MADE time to blog.  But I'm back now, so it's all good!

I love Yoga.  Unfortunately, I haven't been to a yoga class in a long time.  For some reason, I have put it on the back burner and it's pretty much nonexistent in my life right now.  I used to go every Sunday.  Now, if I am lucky, I go once every couple of months or so.  I think it has to do with the fact that I was looking for a new studio.  I found one in Lake Bonavista just over a month ago - and I've been once.  When I was going every Sunday, I felt great and my joints felt awesome.  I guess I thought that slacking off in the yoga department would be okay...and I was wrong. 

Ben came to town last week and we worked out.  We started off doing some Good Mornings on the squat rack...by the time I was finished my second set, my hamstrings were in spasm.  I tried to just shrug it off and shake it out and thought really nothing of it.  Then he put me on the glute/ham machine - and proceeded to do three sets on that.  He put me through a full leg workout, complete with a few sets of deadlifts and by the end of it, I felt not too bad...even the next day, my legs and knees felt great - I was doing stairs like a normal person and walking normally.  Then the second day came...and I could hardly walk.  My knees were in agony and I was almost in tears.  My hamstrings felt like big rocks on the back of my legs.  I couldn't understand why there was so much pain.  I stayed away from my legs during my Saturday morning workout and just concentrated on my upper body.  While I was doing my cool down and stretch, I worked a bit on my hamstrings...that's when I realized what I had done.  I had worked my hamstrings so much and due to the lack of my yoga classes, it opened me up to some obvious injury.  They were in spasm and I had a hard time just doing the simplest of stretches.  So...off to the doctor on Monday I went.  He examined me and determined that I had bruised my right hamstring - didn't do too bad of damage, but stressed to me that I really should be doing more yoga and stretching.  I couldn't agree with him more.  I know what I need to do and I will do it...starting this Sunday morning, I'm going to go back to doing my yoga once a week.  That should heal things up and help me out.

Speaking of doctors...I fired my doctor this week and started seeing my new one.  I was getting fed up with the lack of care and total disregard for my health.  I would wait upwards of 2-3 hours - and that's with an appointment.  I think the breaking point for me was the fact that he spend a total of TEN minutes with me for a physical.  A physical!!  WTF!?!  Anyway - I was very happy to meet my new doctor and get the show on the road.  He seems genuinely interested in helping me work towards my goals and he was super interested when I talked to him about my lap-band and my weight loss efforts so far.  He's young (32 in fact) and very with the times.  I was very lucky to find this new doctor and the fact that he took me on knowing I was unhappy with my current doctor was great.  He also stressed to me how important yoga is to do on a weekly basis as least - especially with someone like me that works out as much as I do.

So there we are...life is good!  Just can't forget my yoga classes anymore.  It's so vital and so important!!

A New Goal

When I started my Journey over three years ago, Ben (my trainer) and I sat down and wrote down some goals that I wanted to achieve.  We talked about how I wanted to be healthier and thinner, and we talked about how I wanted to be happy.  While I have worked extremely hard at achieving these, they will always be an ongoing work in progress. 

I have set a new goal for myself.  I don't want to obsess about my weight anymore.  To be honest...it's really getting to me.  I will lose 10 pounds, then I'm up three...then I will lose three and be up two...

Get my drift?

Back in the fall of 2009, Ben introduced me to deadlifting.  It was by far one of the exercises/drills he would have me do, and to be honest, I ROCKED at it.  I ended up lifting as heavy as 265 lbs.  My goal at that time was 300 lbs, but I never did it.  I let my head crap get the best of me.  Ben told me back then that he felt I could compete if I wanted to.  At that point in my journey, I had so much garbage going on in my head - that I decided I couldn't do it.  I had an obstacle in front of me - telling me that I couldn't do it.  The obstacle was myself.  So...I let it all go - decided I couldn't do it anymore and just tried to forget about it.

Until this past Saturday.  Brian and I were at the YMCA working out and I decided I wanted to try to deadlift again.  I have deadlifted from time to time since 2009, but have never really taken it seriously.  Saturday, for some reason, I did.  I did sets of five, each time going heavier and heavier.  Then when I was taking a break, I looked to my left and saw this woman doing the exact same thing I was doing...I watched her out of the corner of my eye - she was doing snatches and cleans with heavy weight - I was amazed...we both looked at each other at the same time and so I complimented her.  She came up to me and we started talking - I told her I had lifted as heavy as 265 lbs - and that I was wanting to work towards that again.  She told me that I should be competing, if I wanted to lift that heavy.  She told me I had great form and all I needed were some minor tweaks and to work on my breathing techniques.  That's when she told me she had been a Women's Olympic Weight Lifting Coach.  She gave me her name - which is Lynn - and she gave me her number and email address.  The we went for a walk around the track and she gave me a "pep talk."  She said if I needed ANY help at all, that she would help me get into competition "mode."  We also talked a little bit about diet and things like that.  I have already sent her an email and hope to hear back from her soon. 

I now feel I have the confidence to do this.  I want to be healthier and more fit of course, but I also want to be stronger than I ever had been in my life - and I am well on my way.  I know with the proper coaching, and perseverance and hard work on my part, I can do it.  I've always had the outer strength to do this - now I need to work harder on my inner strength!

I'm excited...I have a new goal to work towards...Weightlifting competition...HERE I COME!

Finding Balance...

I love my therapist.  Plain and simple.  She gets me.  We had a great session on Tuesday - we mostly talked about my sleeping habits - which are slowly getting better btw - but a lot of the session we talked about finding balance in my life.  For the last three years, it's been almost all about my exercise and eating plan.  I haven't really had a lot of time to do other things that make me happy.  This may sound silly, but I used to get anxious when I couldn't work out - I was worried I was going to get fatter again.  We discussed how I can still be dedicated to my lifestyle, but STILL have a life.  I have started to change things up a bit with my exercise program - I've been doing more strength training and I feel pretty good.  I still stick to my cardio three times a week, because it's important.  I'm also trying out the new yoga class which I've been meaning to go to, but haven't found a gap in my schedule.  This Sunday I will be doing that.  So, the point to all of this, is to find a happy-medium - to be happy with what I'm doing - and to have fun.  This will be a work in progress!


On Tuesday, I celebrated my 3 year "Healthy Birthday."  Three years ago, I walked into Alive Personal Training - not knowing what to expect - I was scared, mad, sad and out of control.  I am so glad I made the decision to get healthy. Through all of that, I was selected to receive my lap-band.  It's been such a whirlwind for me, but I'm happy.  Here is How It All Began! 

So if you are someone who is just interested in starting out on a Weight Loss Journey, kudos to you!  Just remember, it's a life-long journey...there is no end point.  Take each day as it comes and don't look back!

K

Slip Slidin' Away...

OOPS!  I did it.

Last week, I went on a three day bender....with sugar...my kryptonite.

But the positive thing, was that I snapped out of it in time so that I didn't do any MAJOR damage.  The worst thing was that I physically felt like a big bag of shit.

The most important thing we all need to realize is that we are human, and we will slip up from time to time.  Everybody does...and if they say they don't...they are LYING!

I've gotten back into eating super clean, and I feel good.  Other than my sleep schedule being a tad screwed up, I'm doing great.  Last week I really tried hard to put my sleep therapist's advice into reality.  Out of the 6 days so far since seeing her, I have done what I've been told for four of them.  We also discussed the fact that my body is still trying to adjust to having no Seroquel - yes believe it or not, that bad boy can stay in your system for up to a year!  So if I don't sleep from time to time...no biggie.

Brian has been helping me out a lot with my lunches that I take to work.  Here is an awesome salad he made me the other day.  It's got quinoa, cous cous, chick peas and veggies in it.  I couldn't even get through half of it because it was so filling!

I've also been incorporating sweet potatoes into my diet.  And...have been wheat free for...drumroll please...FOUR DAYS!  Yeah I know - it's not very long...but for me, it's eternity!  I don't feel much of a difference yet, but I'm sure I will be reaping the benefits pretty soon!

I also had a great week fitness-wise.  When I started my workout on Thursday evening last week, I walked by a bin that was sitting over by the spin bikes...I looked in the bin and lo and behold this is what I found!!

For those of you that don't know what this is, it's a TRX.  It's used for full body weight suspension training.  It's amazing what you can do with one of these babies.  I hadn't used a TRX in about 7 months, so I was definitely excited to pull it out and set it up and get working out on it.  I spent a good 30-40 minutes, re-acquainting myself with it.  I showed it to Jeanette two days later and she quite liked it too.  I am defintely going to add this into my workout program!

So...for the next week...my three goals are:

1.  Continue eating clean.

2.  Don't stress about the sleep issue

3.  Check out this new yoga studio in Lake Bonavista.  It's a Iyengar Yoga Studio - my therapist recommended it.  My joints sure could use it!

96...

Yup!  The title is correct!  As of this past Friday, I am down 96 lbs!  I'm so close to 100lbs down that I can taste it.  I'm so freakin excited, that every time I think about it, I just smile from ear to ear.  I've been working really hard - on both my nutrition and my exercise so it all makes sense.

I wish I could just round it up...lol  But then that would be cheating right?  ;-P

On a different subject - those of you who do not know - we lost a member of our pet family last week.  My beautiful leo gecko passed away peacefully last Wednesday morning.  I had her for 10 years and she was such a neat pet.  I will miss her greatly - I still find myself feeling a bit sad when I come home and see her empty tank.  It's always hard to let a pet go...but I keep telling myself - that nothing lives forever...and that she is at peace. 

I saw my therapist yesterday.  She invited a "Sleep Psychologist" to my session.  She had a lot of great ideas about ways that I can help deal with my chronic insomnia issues.  One of them was trying to not fall asleep in front of the TV - and to just head up to bed as soon as I feel tired.  Well I did just that last night and it worked!  I slept right through to Brian's alarm.  We also had a chance to talk about my sleep medications - which I am very proud to say I'm only on ONE now...NO MORE SEROQUEL!!  As of the 20th of this month, I will have been off it for a full 30 days.  I still take the Trazadone, but was told that it's okay. 

I've also been making large changes with my nutrition - I've been really cutting back hard on the wheat in my diet and have been noticing the benefits of that.  I've been looking into the Paleo Diet and the Primal Diet - both of which intrigue me.  I have been leaning a little more towards the Primal as it allows certain types of dairy - i.e. cheese, natural yogurt etc.  While I don't eat a heck of a lot of cheese, I do eat my share of yogurt.  There are so many things to think about - whatever I do decide to do, I will make sure I do it slowly!

I'm feeling stronger and more in control of my life...and I LOVE it!

I Used To Be...Now I Am...And I WIll Be!

I USED TO BE just a person that would try the gym out once in January when all of the other "resolutioners" would attend.
NOW I AM a regular gym goer - I go at least 5-6 times a week.
AND I WILL continue with this regular routine and continue to motivate people by example.

I USED TO BE a quiet introvert, who stayed home as much as I could...
NOW I AM an extrovert most times who is like a social butterfly upon leaving her cocoon.
AND I WILL BE a strong, forthright individual, whom is not afraid to face the world.

I USED TO BE a tired, depressed girl who would flop on the couch when I got home from work, and watch TV and stuff my face.
NOW I AM a girl who never sits still.
AND I WILL BE a girl who will be able to balance BOTH work (fitness) and play into my life.

I USED TO BE a girl who ate garbage and my cupboards prooved it.
NOW I AM proud to have nutritious, wholesome foods in my house.
AND I WILL BE able to continue to make the same good food choices and feel good about it.

I USED TO BE an agreeable sort and never disagree with anyone...
NOW I AM a person who stands up for what I believe is right for me and for the good of others.
AND I WILL BE one to continue to do so.

I USED TO BE invisible....
Now I AM very visible.
AND I WILL BE visible and comfortable in my new body.

I USED TO BE a person who walked hunched and never made eye contact...
NOW I AM an individual who walks with confidence, head up, shoulders back and eye contact with a smile.
AND I WILL BE one who continues to do so.

I USED TO BE a person others scorned or ridiculed...
NOW I AM someone that others respect.
AND WILL BE someone others admire.

I USED TO BE an object of pity...
NOW I AM that no more.
AND I WILL BE never again.

I USED TO BE someone who would buy clothes to hide my body behind...
NOW I AM someone who doesn't mind shopping for new clothes for myself.
AND WILL BE someone who buys clothes that actually fit.

I USED TO BE classified as morbidly obese...
NOW I AM just obese.
AND I WILL BE a normal healthy weight and BMI.

I USED TO BE a size 32
NOW I AM a size 18-20
AND I WILL BE a size 16 very soon.

I USED TO BE 360 lbs.
NOW I AM  lbs. 269 lbs
AND I WILL BE 170 lbs.

I USED TO BE someone with a blood pressure of 160/100
NOW I AM someone with a blood pressure of 120/68
AND I WILL BE someone continuing to be successful at keeping my blood pressure down.

I USED TO BE a person who never stopped eating...
NOW I AM a person who stops before she is full.
AND I WILL BE a person who only eats for fuel not pleasure.

I USED TO BE someone I hated.
NOW I AM becoming someone I like.
AND I WILL BE someone whom I love.

I USED TO BE someone who only dreamed of reaching for her goals...
NOW I AM someone who has achieved her goals and created new ones.
AND I WILL BE someone who reaches the stars to become one herself.

WHO DID YOU USE TO BE? WHO ARE YOU NOW? AND WHO WILL YOU BE?
Thank you for your inspiration Angela!  You continue to inspire me EVERY DAY!

Inner Strength

Wow...the past couple of weeks have been a blur...  I've had so many things - and good things happen to me in such a short period of time.  Two Saturdays ago, my friend Jeanette and I went to the Y together to work out - she was interested in knowing a little more about deadlifts, and the free weights.  I was so excited and happy to show her what I have learned.  As I was showing her how to do a proper deadlift, a guy came up to us and told me that he had been watching me for the past couple of weeks and noticed that I was using great form with all my exercises.  He asked if I had trained with a personal trainer.  I told him yes and he said that it showed.  Anyway, it felt great inside knowing that someone else noticed that I take my exercise regime seriously.  It gave me that extra confidence boost!  Jeanette did a super great job with her deadlifts and I am looking forward to working out with her every other Saturday...it will be great to have a workout buddy and to have someone there to push me!

This past Tuesday, I showed up at my regular spin class.  Tammy, the instructor came up to me as I was setting up my bike before class started.  I have never really talked to her except to say hi and the odd little conversation here and there.  She came right out and told me that she has never met anyone as dedicated to my exercise and my health as me.  She told me that my "cardio endurance must be incredible" and then she told me that I was an inspiration to HER.  I was a inspiration to her??  I was speechless...I mean, I've had my other instructors and trainers say that they are proud of me and that I've done a great job, but never have I been told I'm an inspiration to them.  I've been told by my peers that I inspire them to lead a better lifestyle - but not someone of an authority type figure.  I was taken aback, and very humbled by her comment.  What a great memory to have!

I also ended this week on a really high note.  After being on Seroquel - an anti-psychotic medication that my doctor prescribed for me for my chronic insomnia issues after my mother died - for almost three years, I FINALLY weaned myself off of it entirely.  I have tried four times unsucessfully to get off the stuff and this last time, with a huge amount of patience and perseverance, I did it.  My brain is still feeling some of the aftershock type "twinges" that people can get from ceasing the drug - my doctor says it may take up to six months before it's entirely out of my system, but whatever...I've done it and won't ever be going back.  I would like to extend a HUGE thank you to all of my friends, co-workers and family - in particular my husband Brian - who have been there for me while I have been going through my withdrawl periods.  Your patience and your understanding have been incredible.  Thank you.

I had an interesting experience yesterday morning at the Y while I was working out.  I was laying on my mat in the stretching area doing my ab routine when this woman came and laid down beside me.  She immediately started talking to me.  I was polite, but basically just tuned her out.  That was until she insulted me.  She said "You know, I know of some special shakes that I can sell to people as big as you."  Now, I know what you are probably thinking...WTF!?  Seriously??!!  And I won't lie - I was furious.  But you know what I did?  I laughed at her.  I looked her straight in the eye and said "Well YOU know...there are special drugs that stupid people like you can take and there is botox and creams out there to help with your ugly, wrinkled, over-sun-baked leathery skin!"  I smiled at her again and proceeded to get up - I then told her to have a great day.  As I walked away, I looked back at her and she was still laying there with her mouth gaped open in surprise.  I'm sure she was pretty embarrassed.  I hope she was.  It was a rude, and hurtful thing to say - even if she did think she was meaning well.  The old me probably would have started yelling at her and maybe even popped her one in the mouth.  But I didn't...I walked away and laughed.  Stupid people like that are worth laughing at.  They don't deserve my time and energy.  I am proud of myself.

I am also getting closer to my 100 lb goal.  I don't want to say how many pounds I'm down now as I don't want to jinx it!  It shouldn't be long though...will keep everyone posted!

Love and hugs to all!

K

The "Other" Woman

It's been a bit of an crazy up and down two weeks.

I went to the Y this past Saturday morning to do my usual "crazy" strength training workout.  I love Saturday mornings at the Y.  Everybody there is serious and ready to really work out and train their bodies.  There is hardly any waiting for benches and everyone is courteous to everyone else.  Something happened to me yesterday.  Something I hadn't noticed before.  I was standing there, doing my bicep curls - making sure I was watching myself in the mirror - watching my form...then I did something I have never done before.  I REALLY looked at myself...and the other woman in the mirror hardly looked like me - or so I felt that way.  My jaw dropped.  I almost dropped the weights on my feet in fact lol...as I walked up closer to the mirror to get a closer look, the tears started.  I noticed my collar bones.  I noticed my neck.  I noticed that I didn't have a double chin.  I noticed my eyes.  Then I looked down and noticed the rest of my body - I had a much smaller waist and my legs had some form to them instead of my big old sausage legs. 

I have had people tell me how great I look.  They have been telling me this for a long time now.

The thing is...

Is that I had to finally notice this for MYSELF. 

I'm sure I made quite a scene.  The poor big muscle guy next to me actually dropped what he was doing and came up to me and asked me if I was okay.  My response?  "I'm SO okay!  I am AWESOME thanks!"  He just shrugged his shoulders, and smiled and proceeded to go back to what he was doing.  I went back to doing my bicep curls.  I think I must have done about 100 of those babies, cause man do my biceps hurt today! lol

Sometimes I still feel like 360 lb Kristy.  I will go shopping for clothes and immediately go to the 5-6x section - and then the other woman will smack me upside the head and say "look it!  Smarten up will you?  You are no longer that big anymore - start thinking like the new you!" 

This will all take some time to get used to I am sure of it - but I will get there.  I have lots of time and this is no race.

I also decided last week after going to the blood donor clinic to try and taper off my Seroquel again.  This will be like the third time in trying this.  The nurse at the clinic told me that if they tried to give my blood to someone that needed it, that I could kill them if the Seroquel was still in my blood.  This factor only makes me want to try harder to get off the stuff.  I don't need it anymore.  I am strong and I can do this.  So far, I have felt pretty light headed and weird, but overall I am doing okay.  I wasn't very happy with my weight gain this week as I gained a little - 0.8 lbs only though - but I contribute that to the Seroquel tapering.  My body is trying to adjust to so much and it's probably just freaking out.

Wish me luck!  I am hoping by this time next week, that I will be almost off the stuff.

Hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Kris

A bit of a Tutorial...

I've had two people this week alone ask me how my band works and how it helps me with my weight loss.  The answer to that is...it is a tool.  The only way I have been able to lose the weight is if I WORK with it.  I have to constantly be dilligent that I don't overstuff myself, or eat to feeling full.  I have to eat until I am no longer hungry... that's the difference! 

Below is a quick 1-2 minute video showing how my band works for me:

Hope this helps with some of those questions I have been getting.  I find the Dr.'s voice rather annoying, but it's an informative video nonetheless!

I've had a pretty good week.  I did only manage to lose .1 lbs this week, but that's okay.  I am now down a total of 87.6 lbs and feel great.  I've really done a great job with my nutritional plan too.  I've cut out most (refined) sugar, and cut my wheat consumption drastically.  I got some advice from a pathologist I work for regarding the wheat consumption - he advised me to try to cut it out completely as it raises my inflammatory markers.  Well, I thought I would give it an honest "go" and lo and behold...my knees have had ZERO pain in a week! 

I also decided to do my measurements today too.  I am so happy to report that since I started my journey almost three years ago, I have lost a total of 44.8 inches off of my body in total!  The biggest difference has been in my hips, boobs, and upper arms.  I am finding that the more my skin sags in my lower belly area, the more it's getting harder to measure!  Everything seems to be pulling down...I am so looking foward to the day that my BMI gets to the range where I will be considered for plastic surgery. 

I'm looking forward to a great week...I have my next fill appointment on Thursday.  I have done really well and worked extremely hard the past month and a half.  I hope my surgeon thinks so too!

Happy week everyone!

Something has "Clicked" with me

Something has clicked with me...something has finally clicked in my brain.  The past couple of weeks I have really gotten serious...I've eaten clean, cut out MOST sugar, and really gotten serious about my exercise program....and I've lost six pounds.  I have even had some temptations along the way too, and have managed to stay clear of them.  I feel more sure of myself and more confident.  I have also been tracking EVERYTHING I put in my mouth - I've been using www.myfitnesspal.com - it's such a super great food and exercise tracking application.  The food database has EVERY kind of food in it.  It's amazing and I would recommend it to everyone!

I am a sugar addict.  Plain and simple.  We had a chance to talk about sugar addiction in my lap-band support group class on Wednesday.  Sugar addiction is like what an alcoholic goes through with alcohol.  If they are given just a little bit of alcohol, they will end up binging.  Give a sugar addict even as little as a jelly bean, and they will binge.  I tested out that theory on Friday.  I have picked Friday as my day to eat a little bit out of my rigid schedule.  I ate two jelly beans - and immediately wanted more.  I think I ended up having a handful - and by the end of it, was broken out in such a sugar rush sweat, I could hardly handle it.  Lesson learned...I just can't have sugar around - I binge.  It's a work in progress, but I've done so more more better than I ever have.  Eventually I hope to WILL beat it!

Something else great happened to me this week.  While I was going through some old clothes and putting them in bags ready to get rid of, I came across a pair of jeans that I used to wear when I was 360 lbs.  They were a size 32 and I though I would try them on...just to be sure they still didn't fit.  Yeah right...they HUNG on me...they were MASSIVE!  I asked Brian to take a picture of me - I wanted to see it for myself.  I was laughing when I looked down at myself.  Then I looked at the picture - and bawled my eyes out.  There was this other person looking back at me - I hardly recognized myself.  For the first time since I started this journey of mine, I can really and honestly say I am proud of myself and have really noticed my hard work.  I have decided to keep this pair of jeans and bring them out when I am ever feeling frustrated with my progress.  Get a load of the pic!

I also found out on Tuesday that I got my job permanently.  I am now a permanent employee at the DSC!  I have looked forward to that day for the past seven months...I am happy and I am content...and that's what matters.

I also saw Joanne (my lap-band psychologist) on Friday.  I am making HUGE progress when it comes to my way of thinking, my attitudes toward food, and letting go of the past and staying in the present.  She has been a great resource to me and I am VERY grateful for her. 

Looking forward to more positive experiences this week!  Have a great week everyone!

My Birthday and Psychologist Visit

I had a really great Birthday this year for my 40th.  It was an opportunity to get the people that I love the most together...there were some people there whom I hadn't seen in a few years and it was really nice to see them.  One of my best friends Heather and her family and my friend Carrie from my CGIT years were there - SO wonderful to see them!  I hope this means we will be seeing more of each other.

When I look back at my pictures from my birthday three years ago - before I started my journey, I am amazed at how far I have come.  I am VERY proud and very happy with my progress so far - the pic below is from my Birthday in 2009:

And here is my pic from last weekend:

Not only have I lost weight, but I have gained strength, and self-confidence.  I think I look younger in the most recent picture too, which is kinda cool. 

All in all...it was a pretty good day and evening all around.

So...onto other things...for the past couple of weeks, I have been slipping a bit.  While my exercise regime has been pretty good - other than my shitty knees giving me problems from time to time - the "mental" aspect hasn't entirely been there for me.  I've gotten into the pattern of negative self talk from time to time and thought it was best to "nip it in the bud" per say, so I booked an appointment with the Psychologist in my Lap-Band Program.  Her name is Joanne and she's incredible.  In my 50 minute appointment with her, she knew more about me than I could imagine.  I talked to her about all of my stresses, and my self-doubts.  She's a tough cookie - and that's exactly what I needed.  We set up a plan for me to work on some of my issues and she even had me write down everything that we had talked about in the session.  As my "homework assignment" she told me to remember to bring the card back with me to my next appointment and go through each of the points I had written down on the card with her.  When I walked out of her office, I felt like I finally had some control back.  It felt great.

I see her again in two weeks and am looking forward to it!

Attitude

I've been wanting to blog about this topic for quite some time, but haven't really been in the right frame of mind...but now I seem to be.

As most of you know - I am a Tim Horton's fan.  I love their coffee - it's like crack for me and also since my sister Kathy is a District Manager, I go there frequently.  I go there faithfully on the weekends right before my workouts to get my caffeine fix on.  Ever since I have been going there - and even before I'm sure - there has been this woman that frequents there.  Ok...I know you're thinking...so what??  So a woman frequents Tim Hortons?  Well, this woman - or her actions I should say, have made me think.

This woman is morbidly obese.  She probably weighs about 550 lbs.  She gets around in a scooter and in order to even stand, she has to hold onto something.  She orders about five to six things off the menu and they aren't healthy items.  She has to wear 100% oxygen in order to breathe. 

The first time I saw her, I immediately felt sorry for her.  I felt bad because she obviously hadn't hit "that point" in her life where she had had enough of her body...enough of her limitations...enough of feeling the eyes of people like me on her - ridiculing her. 

But then she opened her mouth and spoke.

She snapped her fingers at the Tim Horton's staff...bellowing out to them to "hurry up" with her order.  She was demanding, impatient and plain out RUDE.  Every time I see her, she's got something nasty to say to someone.  I now just try to avoid looking at her not because of her body, but because of the way she portrays herself. 

Attitude has such a huge impact on anybody, no matter what size you are, but it also comes into play when it comes to weight loss.  If you go about your journey with a piss poor attitude, you are destined to fail.  Sure, there are times where I have felt frustrated with myself and I've wanted to give up.  But each time, I got back up and said "OK let's get this done"  "I'm gonna finish this."  A bad attitude can have an impact as to if you lose or gain that week.  Feeling negative causes stress, which in return causes weight gain. 

So I guess what I am trying to get across is just to have a good attitude.  It will help you in the long run!

Now...on to other things...

I FINALLY got my hair dyed on Saturday.  I had big white stripe down the middle of my scalp from all the grey coming in.  My hairdresser Helen did it for free for my birthday.  She is awesome.  Here is a pic of the finished product!

It's knd of funny, becaue I took a picture of myself right after I left the salon.  It wasn't nearly as good as this one. 

I'm also looking forward to this week.  It's my birthday week!  In just FIVE days I'm going to be 40!  I'm feeling so excited to be turning 40.  I have accomplished so much and I feel great!  I have so much to be thankful for.  There is a big party planned for me on Saturday and I'm so excited to see everyone.  I will be sure to get lots of pictures of the event and post them here

Have a super great week everyone!  And remember...attitude is key!

Happy Bandiversary to Me!!

Wow - can't believe it's already been a year since I've been banded.  It just feels like it was just yesterday, that I was sitting at the Peter Lougheed Hospital's Day Surgery Department, waiting to have my surgery.  I remember that day being very long.  Dr. Church was two hours behind, as he had an emergency appendectomy.  It was all worth the wait though, and then some.  

While I have learned a great deal about myself this past year, I have also learned a great deal about other people - I realized who was my real support and who wasn't.  While it was quite hurtful for me to realize this, I am glad I did.  I am so fortunate to have the friends and family that DO support me and want me to succeed.   

To date, just this year alone, I have lost 58 lbs.  This surpasses the expectations of my dietitians and surgeons who want us (in our Calgary Lap Band Group anyway ) to lose 52 pounds - which is the average of about 1-2 pounds a week.  But for me, the weight loss isn't as important as the awareness of proper eating that I have gained.  I now realize how important it is to chew my food slowly...to rest for at least a minute in between bites...to savour my food.  I have finally considered food as my "fuel" instead of just eating for the hell of it.  I would be lying if I said I ate well 100% of the time.  I don't.  But I don't eat nearly as much as I used to when I weighed 360 pounds - I'm not even close to it. 

I've also found a new love for cardio and I use my spin classes for that.  Because of my arthritic knees, I am unable to jog or even walk quickly now on the treadmill.  Spin class satisfies me.  It's great on my knees, and I get a great calorie burn.  My instructor Jill is phenomenal, and is so motivating.  In a nutshell, I love it.

I am so glad I made the decision to get the band.  There is never a day that goes by that I regret it.  While I realize the surgery isn't for everyone, it was for me. 

I also just realized something.  I need to update some photos...those are coming soon - hopefully next week!

Have a super great week everyone!

Countdown!

It is hard to believe...in just 34 days I will turn 40. 

I do not feel 34 days away from being 40.  I was looking at my blog post: 10 Things! and I had to smile.  On my 39th Birthday last year, I posted 10 specific goals that I wanted to achieve before I turned 40.  I am happy to report I have achieved FIVE of them!  One of them I achieved just this past Monday.  In my Monday Turn and Burn class, I did 10 mens pushups without stopping.  Sure, I squeeked the last one out, but I did it.  I DID IT!!! 

There are a couple of goals on there that I wish I had achieved, but I am okay with it.  I need to shed a few more pounds before I can really get down and get into doing it again - those are my deadlifts.  I miss doing them - but I want to make sure I am careful - and only do them when I have a spotter.  I did do them just over a month ago and got up to 200lbs.  Slow and steady they say!  The other one was the unassisted pull-ups, but considering they are one of the hardest upper body exercises around,  I figure I need to shed more weight off this currentlly 270 body of mine. 

Speakingn of that - I am now TWELVE pounds away from being 100 lbs down.  While I would like to be down 100 lbs by my birthday, I know in my heart, I have won.  I am winning this battle with myself.  My clothes are fitting looser again, and I am feeling the best that I have in ages.  I am finally feeling strong and sure of myself - that in itself is more than losing 100 lbs to me. 

So the countdown is on...the countdown until I turn 40.  If I hit my 100lbs down by then...AWESOME!!  If I do not...that is okay.  In my heart, I have already done it.  A number does not define me.

Cheers to a great week everyone!

"Shake It Out!"

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn


And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn


And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah


Throughout my blog, I use music and the lyrics from some of my favourite songs to get my feelings across.  This song in particular, I really relate to.  I've had to "Shake out" some of my regrets and anxiety - and still am.  I think we all do to a point.  Each and every one of us has done something in our pasts that have somehow affected our future.  I will ALWAYS take responsibility for how I got obese.  I was in a horrible relationship that was abusive in every way.  I let it control me and I turned to food when I was sad or upset.  I still do that from time to time, but it no longer rules me.  The next step for me now is to shake out this anxiety I've had ever since my Mom died.  In two days it will be three years that she has been gone - I have not felt great this week and I'm pretty sure that is why.  Of course I miss her - more than words can say - I wish she was here with us - and she is in her own way.  Grief is a pretty remarkable thing.  One minute I feel so strong, that I feel I can conquer anything...then the next moment, I'm crying in my bed in the fetal position.  I know that in time, the anxiety will shake itself out and I will start to feel better again - it has already started.


I love you Mamma....Hope Heaven is treating you well... XOXOXOXOXO


I had a pretty good week with my fitness and nutrition.  On Tuesday, I was already down eight pounds - almost lost all of the water-weight!  By my weigh-in day on Friday, I had lost a total of seven pounds.  Seven pounds in one week!  Heck yes...I will take it and RUN!!  I worked out hard again - only took Wednesday off because of my lap-band meeting.  The only thing that lacked a bit was my strength training.  I will go hard on Wednesday evening :-)
It is freakin cold here today too - and it is not supposed to let up until Friday.  All week long it is supposed to only be a high of minus 20 for each day pretty much.  As much as I know this is Calgary, and this is the way it is...it still sucks.  It will be nice when a chinook rolls around by Friday. 


Stay warm (or cool if you live in a warm climate) and have a good week everyone!

Sodium is EVIL

I've had a pretty nice week off!  I got to spend some time with friends whom I don't get a lot of time to see due to different schedules...Brian and I got to see a couple of movies, and I spent twice a day at the gym.  I really enjoyed the daytime classes - they were different and just what my body needed.


I stepped on the scale this morning, and lo and behold...I GAINED NINE POUNDS.  My first reaction was to weigh myself again...and again and again...how could this be??!  I exercised like a fiend, and ate within my calories - I only went outside my calories on one day.  So...when I started to look through my food log I noticed one glaring aspect.  My sodium intake was through the roof!  The human body should only be consuming no more than 2300mg of sodium per day.  I was doubling that.  I did eat out quite often, and while I thought it was great that I was staying within my calorie range, the amount of sodium was incredible. 


So, needless to say, I am glad that I am going  back to work tomorrow and will be back to my normal routine - which will consist of ZERO times eating out.  I will be back to my regular foods and my regular schedule.


I did have a NSV of sorts this week though.  After one of my classes on Friday, a fellow class participant who I rarely talk to came up to me and told me that she can tell that I've lost weight since I've been coming to the YMCA.  Needless to say, I was kind of taken aback, but did tell her that she made my day.  To have basically a stranger come up and tell me that speaks volumes and makes me feel like I want to keep going and keep focused!


Here's hoping next week's weigh in will be a positive experience!