I haven't posted in a while - mainly because I haven't had much to say...or should I say I haven't had much of anything positive to say. Things have actually been going quite well for me mentally - I've been sleeping every night, which is a feat for me... those of you that know me, know that for the past four months, there have been nights where I haven't slept at all. My doctor put my on some heavy duty drugs and they seem to be helping - I've been doing my hypnosis that Veronica, my therapist has suggested, and that works wonders for me. We got all of our renovations done also - beautiful hardwood floors, and nice new shiny tile in the kitchen...and new baseboards...my workouts at the gym have been pretty kick ass - at least I would like to think so...and it's Christmas. So why do I feel like a huge bag of shit???
I miss my mom. I hurt inside to know she won't be here with us this year. She should be here with us...she should be here to watch her granddaughter open her gifts. She should be here to pick at me like she used to. I know she is gone - and I know that she was in pain and didn't want to be here anymore. I'm trying to "buck up" and try and be happy because it's Christmas - and I don't want to be a downer. I've spent most of this week tearing up cause I'm constantly thinking about her. I just want the holidays to come and go. My therapist has suggested I do something special to remind us about her. So...I've decided to light a candle - a candle in memory of her. I'm going to pick out a three wick (three for each one of her daughters) one that's red. Red and other fall colors were her favorite. I'm also going to pick out a smaller one for Maggie to light.
Point here is I'm trying...I'm trying so freakin hard to pull it together...I know that if she were here, she would be so proud of me. She would be proud of all of us. One of my co-workers has been chatting a lot to me this week about my mom and the holidays. She's been VERY supportive and caring. She suggested that I just take my mom with me - hold her in my heart and remember the good times...remember past Christmas's that were good - like when we were growing up...we would go to Church on X-mas Eve, sing in the choir, and then come home and be together. My mom loved music.
So...I'm going to really try and make this Christmas a positive one. I'm going to light the candle...I'm going to play music that she loved...I'm going to take her with me...
But most of all...I'm going to persevere.