I'm a Big Girl Now...

So...ya...I did it.  I finally did what I've been talking non-stop for for like the last two weeks at least.  On Wednesday evening, I finally went to the YMCA and did a class...all by myself. 

Out of everything that I have set out to accomplish, this is by far pretty close to the top.  I have been spending a lot of time lately, letting my anxiety control me.  On Wednesday, I guess I decided I wanted a break from it.  I wanted to accomplish something...something big...and for me - I did.  It was weird just coming straight home from work - I almost always bring my gym bag with me to work and go directly to the gym from there.  I walked through the door, and headed straight to the couch.  Brian had been home sick from work - which is probably a good thing now that I think about it.  So, I sat there and said "You know - I don't have to go if I don't want to.  I COULD just stay home." 

Stay home?!  And do what??  Sit on the couch and know that once again, my anxiety got the best of me?  NO...I wanted to do this...I wanted to prove to myself that I COULD do it on my own. 

So I grabbed a snack and headed out the door.  While walking to the train station I kept thinking "You can go back Kristy, it's not too late!"  But this other voice in my head just kept telling me to keep walking...I also had a couple of friends close by on my Blackberry, and they kept at me.  Then when I got to the Y, I stood outside for about 10 minutes - trying to talk myself out of it, when Brian texted me - asking me how I was....it was like he knew what I was doing...lol.  So - I went in and did the class...and you know what??  I really enjoyed myself and wondered why I was freaking out in the first place. 

I think we all have our "Comfort Zone" that we don't like to break out of from time to time.  This time however, it was imparative that I do so.  This was one of the reasons why I got so big in the first place.  I relied WAY too much on other people and not on myself to get myself well and to become healthy and strong.  I am VERY proud of myself and am looking forward to this week's class!

I had another NSV this week.  I can now cross my legs!  I haven't been able to do that since I was a teenager.  I probably won't be doing it much tho - not good for your circulation, but it felt good knowing that I can.

I am also looking forward to this week.  I start my new position as a Laboratory Support Clerk back at the DSC.  I'm looking forward to seeing everybody that I used to work with, and I'm looking forward to getting back to some sort of a routine.

My goals for this week: 

1.  Do Wednesday's class again
2.  Sleep better
3.  Cut out carbs in the evening

Change is a Comin!

It's been a busy week - full of ups and downs...but it's been a good week.  On Monday, I had my last training session with Ben.  We had a great session outside - and it was one of my most favorite sessions too...we did a variety of drills from medicine ball throws, to small runs up and down a hill, to some ab work.  While I do feel sad about not training with him anymore, I know that I CAN do this on my own - he has given me all the tools necessary for me to move forward and do it on my own - and that is exciting for me.  He has been such a positive impact on my life and I'm not even close to the person I was two years ago - both physically and mentally.  Thank you Ben!

I have decided to join the Y.M.C.A. in Shawnessy.  I went there with Ben last Friday and he showed me around - I think it's a place where I will feel comfortable - and there are classes that are included in my membership.  I think it will be a place where I can start to make those "connections" again. They also have this self-tracking system called FitLinxx that I can use to track my progress - it's like having my own little personal trainer in a way.  I can access it through my computer and see my progress too.  I will be buying my membership August 1st, and am looking forward to it!

I had a great time in bootcamp this week too.  I had a bit of a NSV (Non-Scale victory) on Thursday.  Kendra had a bunch of stations set up for the circuit and one of the stations was a jump rope one.  I thought to myself - there is no way I can skip - my knees won't be able to handle it...ANY kind of jumping would be out of the question.  So, at the start, I just modified it so I wasn't using the jump-rope, and was mimicking the movement of it all.  The second time we did it, I decided to just try it - so I grabbed the rope, and just started skipping....ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR - and I just kept going - until I hit 24 reps and that's when my feet wouldn't go anymore.  I was shocked...I hadn't skipped rope since I was in elementary school!  I still have the look on Kendra's face in my head.  She was helping somone with another exercise and when she turned around and realized it was ME that was jumping rope, she was excited...while my knees have been paying for it the past couple of days, I am very proud of myself that I did it.  My body is slowly starting to do things I never thought I could do - and that makes me happy...

I had my third fill for my lap-band on Friday.  I saw a different surgeon and we both agreed that I needed a larger fill than normal.  I have been able to eat pretty much whatever I want -  including bread - which is not a good thing as bread is my kryptonite...he gave me a full cc in my band and I am now up to 3.8 cc's.  I have felt the restriction the past couple of days and I am hoping that this will kick start my weight loss once again. 

I also found out on Friday, that I will officially be starting my new job back at the DSC on August 2nd.  I am looking forward to working with some great people again, and am looking forward to the challenge.  It is going to be such a positive experience for me and I am excited to start!

I want to feel more in control - in every aspect of my life.  There is a lot of change coming my way - and I am a bit scared and nervous...but I know if I just push myself outside my comfort zone, and work hard to get where I want to be, I know I can do it.  While I know I don't have to like change, it is inevitable - and how I deal with it is what matters. 

Have a great week everyone!

Gym Shopping

So this week was my vacation - or "stay"cation as it's called.  We both had the week off and just stayed around the house and relaxed...A  LOT!  This is something that I rarely do - and it was nice to do just that.

Thursday, my sister Kathy graciously offered to take me out to look at some new gyms...Brian also came along for morale support  Now for those of you that aren't familiar with gym shopping - I have one word to describe it:  Amusing.  We went to three gyms - I won't name them on here as I feel that's not a very good thing to put on here, but if you would like to know the names, just message me and I will be more than happy to tell you.  For now, I will call them Gym 1, Gym 2 and Gym 3. 

Gym #1 had a great "small" gym atmosphere...and I warmed up to the owner right away.  He explained everything in detail to me and it felt like he actually cared.  There were also no contracts to sign, and the fees were reasonable.  He even gave me a free pass to try it out myself.  The downside?  The classes they have are not included in the membership fees and would be just too expensive for me in the long run.  This gym is still a possibility for me tho.

Gym #2 was okay.  The membership price was good for everything that I would be getting.  Classes are included...the downside?  It was dirty...and not just dirty - it was filthy.  I also felt like just another number - not Kristy.  It's important to me to belong to a gym where the owner knows my name.

Gym # 3 was a downright disappointment.  I can't think of anything positive to say about it actually.  Again, it was filthy, and the guy that was showing us around, just walked away from us and went back to the front desk.  He didn't care about us so we left.  They were also the most expensive out of the three.

Also, on Friday Ben went with me to the Shawnessy YMCA and we checked it out.  I was impressed.  They have a lot of machines that I am not entirely used to using, but with time, I would become a pro.  They also have classes that are included in their membership.  This is another option for me.

When I started looking at these gyms on Thursday, I kept comparing them to ALIVE.  I know there will never be another gym quite like ALIVE ever again - the friendships and the togetherness type feel that was formed there are bar none the best.  But- what I can do is find that again...or something LIKE it.  I might find it at gym #1 or the YMCA...who knows...

If anyone out there has had a positive experience with their gym and would like to share that with me, that would be awesome.  I look forward to hearing from you all!

Wish me luck!

K

My Journey WILL Continue!

I am very happy to report that I managed to break through my crappy attitude "funk" that I was in last week with regards to my emotional eating - and am down five pounds.  How did I do it?  Thinking back through the week, all I did was break it down day by day and tackled it that way.  I still had some issues in regards to some anxiety, but I didn't waver from my nutrition plan.  I also exercised my butt off -had wicked hard heavy lifting workouts with Ben, and lots of cardio and TRX awesomeness in bootcamp with Kendra - I also did another hot yoga class on Wednesday and loved it yet again.  I stayed active six times this week - with today being my only day off...and I feel great!

One item that has been on my mind for a while now is the fact that my trainer Ben is moving away.  I have never come out and told him how I  feel, as making a big deal out of it would be downright counter-productive.  When he first told me, I was anxiety ridden...I kept asking myself these same questions...How would I continue with my journey?  How will I actually do this?  Will I give up and just be fat again?  He has been training me ever since I started - I want him to finish it with me...how will that happen?  I have answered these questions recently - I WILL continue this journey on my own and I CAN do it.  I have come so far - too far to just give up.  I have WAY more self-reliance than I did even a year ago.   The time has come to do "this" on my own.  As for him being a part of my journey right to the end - he still will be there - just not in person...oh the wonders of email/facebook/skype! 

I will miss Ben and Holly VERY much - they have done so much for me and words cannot express how much that means to me.  It's not very often that really great/caring people come into your life - they came into my life at that time for a reason - they have guided me and encouraged me and pushed me to the point in my life where I am stronger than I have ever been - and that's just not the physical - I'm stronger mentally and am in such a better place than I was two years ago. 

Regardless...I will be okay - I know I will...Ben has given me the "tools" that I need to push through to this next phase of my journey...all I need to do and will do is work as hard as I can...and make myself happy...I believe things happen for a reason - I am excited at what I am going to accomplish...

Look out...HERE I COME.

I Am Human

Ummmm...yeah...it's certainly been an interesting week to say the least - an emotional roller coaster of sorts actually, and I've not been very happy about riding it out.  Monday started off super-great for me.  I received the news that I had gotten the job that I applied for.  I will be back working at the DSC - the Diagnostic and Scientific Centre for Calgary Laboratory Services.  I have been wanting this change for quite some time.  While I will miss my co-workers at the Rockyview, I know I will be much happier doing a job that I love.  I have no exact date when I will be moving over there - hopefully there won't be too much of a hold-up.

The rest of the week was stressful...and I can't just pin-point one reason why.  It was a multitude of things.  The way I dealt with it blew sucked (to put it mildly).   I started my cycle again of emotional eating again.  I haven't done this in probably over a year now.  While I was a bit surprised at what I had done, I was immediately upset with myself - but I kept doing it!  My food of choice was of course sugar...I get that instant calmness come over me immediately after putting it in my mouth - but of course within an hour of consuming it, I just wanted to make myself throw up.  Since my surgery, I have had a few people come up to me and tell me I took the easy way out - that I should be able to do this with just diet and exercise alone.  The lap-band by NO means is a quick fix...I knew this going in and I still believe that.  It is only a TOOL and will work for me as long as I am working with it.  This means NO ice-cream...NO chocolate...NO cereal in the evenings! 

I think what is different about me this time around with this cycle of my emotional eating, is that I have realized that I AM human...I will slip up like this from time to time...and the only thing I can and WILL do is to get back on track and get back into my routine.  I have come WAY too far to screw this up.  I will start again to use my lap-band as a tool and try to remember some of the tools I was taught in my weight loss support group:  Am I head hungry, stomach hungry or heart hungry?  Lately I've noticed I've had a heck a lof of heart hunger and need to THINK before I eat. 

Anyone else out there find that they emotionally eat?  I would love to hear the strategies you use to combat it...

It is a constant battle for me...but I'm human and I will kick it!