This blog entry has taken me about 90 mins just to figure out what I want to type. I've got so much "stuff" in my head that I want to say, but it's mostly in fragments. I apologize in advance if it's all over the place!
Well - I'm happy to say I have "recovered" from last week's post. Work has seemed to get a bit better, along with other aspects in my life. I did stress about a few stupid things, but quickly caught myself and put a stop to it. One thing I've been noticing and it's quite obvious to me is, while my body is losing weight, and feeling good, my brain has not quite caught up with it. I keep getting this negative voice in my head that keeps telling me I'm not worth it, I'm gross, and I'm useless - now I know this is entirely not true - I know in my heart that being hard on myself like this is not going to help my weight loss...but I keep doing it. I've been working with Veronica (my therapist) for quite a while on this - about six months in fact and the "homework" she had me do this past month, was to "confront" this negative voice - to actually talk to it OUTLOUD and tell it it had no business being in my head and talking to me that way - and I had to do this whenever and wherever the thought would come up. I'm smiling right now as I type because I'm remembering me sitting on the bus and heading to work and this happening - and the looks that I got...oh well - whatever - at least I fit in with the rest of them! Anybody that rides Calgary Transit knows what I am talking about!
This week had me thinking a lot about how I even began my lap-band journey. I think about that evening last June when we got home from the gym and finding that letter from the Weight Management Program - I remember reading through it, rolling my eyes and throwing it in the garbage! Then I remember telling Ben about it and him encouraging me to "go for it" and that this could only help me along my weight loss journey. Ultimately yes, it was my decision to make and I thought long and hard about it and I'm so glad I decided to do it. I've also been thinking about a couple of my physical "breakthroughs" last summer. I started tapering down on this drug called Seroquel that I was on to help me relax and sleep. I was on as much as 150 mgs of the stuff - while I was going through withdrawl all summer long as I was tapering off the stuff, I would come to my workouts either dizzy, nauseated, or having the shakes - and the most amazing thing was that Ben did not lose patience with me - I don't think there are many (if any) personal trainers out there that would take the time to be patient when it comes to stuff like this. Whenever I would feel like giving up, he was there to guide me back on track - to help me see the bigger picture. Both he and Holly have been very important in my life - by both going above and beyond to help me stay focused to reach my goal. Kendra has also helped me a great deal - at the start of the summer last year, she had me kickboxing up and down the parking lot at ALIVE. She pushed me beyond what I thought in my head that I was capable of. She helped me to believe that I can do anything I set my heart out to do - and finish it.
So, I know that with more determination, self-reliance and strength inside and out, I will be able to reach my goals that I set out for myself back on my birthday in February. The only person I am up against is ME. I am going keep challenging my negative thoughts and quash them. I will not let them control me...anymore.
I am in the driver's seat.
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