Commitment

com·mit·ment  [kuh-mit-muhnt]


–noun


1. the act of committing.


2. the state of being committed.


3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.

What exactly is commitment??  When I read through these three definitions, I stop at number 2 and giggle...number one seems pretty close to the way I see it, but number three is where I would truly like to be.  I know that in order for my weight loss journey to be successful, I must commit to myself a whole lot more.  Back in January when I started my pre op diet I was hugely commited to myself...in the past week, not so much.  I found myself making some wrong food choices, and my exercise was WAY down.  This was the first time in almost two years that I actually didn't feel like working out.  I started off the week with an awesome hot yoga class - for those of you that have never tried hot yoga before, I would definitely encourage you to try it.  I must warn everyone tho - you will sweat like you have never sweat before...it didn't just drip out of me...it POURED and ROLLED out of me...lol  At first, I was really nervous - worried I wouldn't be able to stay in the room for more than 5 minutes...but once the class started, I was commited.  It ended up being their hardest class too - but my friend Randi and I did it!  It was also great for my joints - I was shocked by the amount that I could do - I could move the way I wanted without limits and pain.  It was just a great experience for me overall - something I will definitely try again.  I did Kendra's bootcamps also, but the rest of the time I just didn't do anything...it felt weird and I didn't like it. 

This was the first week ever that I felt as though I was failing at this...by saying this, I mean this whole journey that I have been working hard on.  I feel lost...and I feel alone.  I know that nobody can lose this weight for me and I know that nobody else can make me happy but me.  Every week lately seems like a broken record...same things going through my head...then me telling myself that I must make that commitment to myself and start doing this for me.  I am afraid at failing and letting myself down...undoing all of my hard work.  I just keep telling myself if I could just get a hold on my "head stuff" that I'm golden...I've got this...

Starting right now - I am going to make a commitment to myself.  I will no longer make shitty food choices...I will figure out what I need to do to get in some form of activity every day.  Even if it is just going out for a walk in the evening...I will commit to stop the negative self talk and worrying about failing all the time.  Everyone has a "blip" in their journey and I am finally figuring out that this is my "blip." 

What are you doing to stay commited to yourself?  Are you commited enough to want to succeed?  How badly do you want this?  Are you willing to do anything to reach your goals?  These are all the questions I am asking myself once again...I DO want this...I AM commited and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get my weight loss on the move again.

And lastly..."Don't think about it...DO it."  Something that my trainer Ben has told me over and over and over...

So this week...I'm gonna DO it!

Plugging Away...

Well it's been a bit of a hectic/crazy week...there is no other way to describe it...but I've managed to push through and make the most of it.  I just decided to take each day as it came, and then just broke each day down until I was basically taking it hour by hour...I have been tending to look way to far into the future, and then feeling anxiety - so this was my solution...


I fell off the food wagon slightly this week - by that, I don't mean I was gorging out on pastries, chip and the like, but I wasn't eating at regular times.  I would eat breakfast, and then skip my morning snack, and by the time 1130am rolled around for lunch, I was ravenous.  So there I was - gulping down  quickly eating my chicken and salad, and of course - getting stuck.  When I mean get stuck, I mean - not chewing my food hardly at all and swallowing and hoping for the best...for the most part, I think I just wasn't thinking - and just eating as I was so freakin hungry, all I wanted was food.  I did it at supper too...freak that I am...lol...  Some of my choices were also not the best, but they weren't horrible - like fat free chocolate pudding...I know I could have definitely made a better choice than that - like having a banana, or another type of fruit...


This is all part of the learning process for me - experimenting with different foods and figuring out what my band will and will not like...I tested out a couple of Triscuits - and they seemed to go down well - although after about my third one, it too started to get caught.  Too dry I think.


I also don't think my band is tight enough...when I saw Dr. Church last, he seemed to think I was doing really well and didn't need much of a fill.  I find I am hungry a lot of the time and am even hungry after an hour of eating.  I see Dr. Mitchell (Dr. Church's colleague) in the middle of July and will be getting another fill then.


My exercise has been great this week...I trained with Ben - which is always good - and did Kendra's classes...we did her "Tower of Power" on Thursday - for those of you that don't know what that is, it's a series of drop sets - you start at 30 reps on light weight and then go to quite heavy at 10 reps - we managed to do 100 reps each of squats, bent over rows, and chest presses...I got through them all without stopping - I always feel great about myself and feel accomplished after doing that class.


I have some huge changes coming up in the next couple of months - both professionally and personally.  I am just going to take it day by day and just plug away and get it done.  And as I told Veronica (my therapist) I am going to finish what I started.  I am resilient and strong and capable of doing anything that I set my mind to.  I can do this...


I AM WORTH IT!

Fuckin Perfect??

Made a wrong turn, once or twice. 
Dug my way out, blood and fire. 
Bad decisions, that's alright. 
Welcome to my silly life. 
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood. 
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down. 
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated. 
Look, I'm still around. 

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel 
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect. 
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, 
You're fuckin' perfect to me 

You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong. 
Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead. 
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it 
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game. 
It's enough; I've done all I can think of. 
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same. 

Woah ohh, pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel 
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect. 
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, 
You're fuckin' perfect to me. 

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear. 
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer. 
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time. 
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere. 
They don't like my jeans; they don't get my hair. 
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time. 
Why do we do that? Why do I do that? 

Why do I do that? 

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby 
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel 
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect. 
Pretty,pretty please, if you ever, ever feel 
Like you're nothing, you're fuckin' perfect to me, yeahhh. 
You're perfect, you're perfect 
Ohh pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel 
Like you're nothin' you're fuckin' perfect to me.

Lyrics from the song - Fucking Perfect by P!ink

If you haven't guessed...I love this song...what I love even more are the lyrics.  The problem I have been having tho, is actually living them.  I don't ever feel perfect - I don't think any of us really do...I have had glimpses of feeling that way at one point or time in my life, but never do I consistently feel that way.

I've had an incredibly rough week - so rough in fact, that I debated on even doing my blog today...but I know that typing my thoughts down can be therapeutic...so here goes...

I'm getting really tired of my low self-esteem.  I've had it pretty much my whole life.  My therapist chalks it up to a series of events in my life that contributed to it.  I won't go into detail on here as they are pretty private and they are events  that I am trying to "let go" and forget.  I'm trying to tell myself to stop acting this way, and to just live life - and be happy - isn't that the way life is supposed to be anyways?  Self-love and happiness just seems to be so high out of reach for me right now.

I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of falling back in the "cycle" of coming home after work, eating my face off, and watching TV.  I'm afraid of being 360 lbs again.  I'm afraid.  I feel as though I'm stuck in this dark place and can't seem to get out.  

I know that I am the only one that can help myself.  I know I need to tell myself over and over and over again until I'm blue in the face that I AM WORTH IT.  I will have a few good hours of feeling pretty good, and then there I go - back into this other world - something I can't even really describe - but it makes me sad and so frustrated with myself.  

So where do I go from here?  I need to change things...a lot of things.  I need to change my attitude towards myself and take things one day at a time.  I need to breathe and make the negative thoughts go away.  I need to at least like and forgive myself.  I know I am the only person that can help me.  I know deep down in my heart that I am a really great person who has an enormous heart and am capable of giving so much.  It's time for me to believe in me.  

I'm sorry everyone - I'm sorry this post couldn't be more positive.  But this is me.  I'm being as honest and as raw as I can be.  

So starting this week.  One day at a time.  No looking into the future.  I can and will do this.  Quitting is NOT an option.  I AM WORTH IT.

Thank you everyone for listening to me this past week.  I appreciate your support and your friendship.  

Love you all,

K

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Wow...has it really been two years?  I'm still finding myself thinking about how crazy of a ride it has been...some days it just seems like yesterday that I walked through the doors at Alive Personal Training and changed my life - for the better.  I blogged about my first Anniversary in 20 Things! and am pleased with my progress that I have made over the course of this year.  I have gone through so much change physically and mentally, that I have had a few issues in keeping up with it all - but I know with some more determination, hard work and self-reliance, that I can and will reach all of my goals both physically and mentally...

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you that has taken the time to read my blog, chat with me and support me along the way...losing weight is one of the hardest things to do on earth and your friendships and support have helped me in more ways than can be said. 

As many of you know, I do have some issues when it comes to change in my life - and this year so far has proved to be one of the most challenging for me.  The biggest change was having my surgery for my lap-band, and getting used to eating less and more slowly - that is still something that I am working on and getting used to and will be for some time.  Then, Alive closed and I am now faced with a pretty big change in my exercise routine.  I know I can do it and with some adjusting and working through things on my part, I will be able to do anything I set my heart out to do.  My trainers Ben and Kendra have helped instill the "exercise bug" in me and I will not stop.  For a while I was worried I was going to give up - but every time I thought that way, I would kill it - there is no way I can even phathom the fact of giving up on exercise...  I can't wait until next year when I can look back on my pictures again and notice even more changes...

Either way, I will get there...I have my friends and I have my family...but most of all...I have myself.   I AM strong and capable of anything I set my mind out to do.


Thanks everyone! :-)

XOXO
Kris

Looking Back...

Looks like my blog post this week is a wee bit late...but I had good reason!  This morning, Brian and I and our friends Sandra and Lara headed down to Bridgeland to partake in the Calgary Marathon.  Brian and Sandra participated in the Astra Zeneca 5km run and walk.  To put it mildly, they blew it away...Brian finished in under an hour - I think it was 55 mins and Sandra finished in 44 minutes.  I am so incredibly proud of both of them!  Another friend Kim, completed the half-marathon and finished in 2 hours 3 minutes...pretty great I would say...

I have spent some time looking back on my posts - I have blogged here on Blogspot for almost two years - it's hard to believe...I have blogged on and off for years - a friend reminded me yesterday that I still have a blog sitting on Live Journal - which I don't even remember the password to get into to take a look at anyways - so will have to let that go :-)  Anyway - as I was looking at some of my posts from 2009 and even a few from 2010, I can see where I have changed...one particular post Perseverance caught my eye... it was going to be the first Christmas without my Mom - and I was in a lot of pain...I still hurt from time to time and miss her and have bouts of crying spells (like the one I had today) but I seem to be managing my feelings about it a heck of a lot better.  

One word in particular to describe myself, that crosses my mind when I read back in my blog is the word "pathetic"...now, I don't mean this in a negative way towards myself...I realize now how truly lost and in pain I really was - and how I have managed to "dig and crawl" my way out of it.  I have used all the tools available to me...everything from exercise, to my therapist to prescription drugs to even out my mood.  I still remember feeling as though I was in a dark well - trying to claw my way up to the top - only to slip and fall back into the darkness.  All of this might sound dramatic, but it's true.

I am happy with how I have progressed.  I know I will have lapses from time to time...I know I will fall off my "food wagon" and be naughty with my food from time to time...but the whole point is...is that I am HUMAN.

And I am proud of myself and how far I have come.

That is all...

Woohoo! I got an award!

Wow...I got my first blog award!  I hadn't been here for most of the week - and when I finally came online on Friday, I was pretty excited to see this.  Thanks so much to Grace for nominating me.  I am honored and just a tad excited!  Here it is!

The rules of the award:

-Thank the person who gave you this award, and link back to them in your post.
-Tell us 10 things about yourself.
-Nominate your bloggers.
-Contact these bloggers, and let them know they received this award.

Here are my ten things:

1. I am a tomboy at heart.  I guess you could say I'm the son my Dad never had.

2. I never knew how much inner strength I had until I lost my Mom.

3. I have two cats named Piper and Chibi - they are like my kids. Oh and my leopard gecko too!

4. People that know me well, know I am not a big fan of children.  But I will always wonder what it would be like to have one of my own. 

5. I am a Pisces - a TRUE one...

6. I love to lift a lot of heavy shit...deadlifting is my favorite. 

7. I love to sniff Jiffy markers.

8. I am loyal to a fault - screw me once tho, and I have a hard time getting that trust back.

9. I am finally "learning" to love myself - I've never been able to do that my whole life.  I have Ben and Holly Spooner to thank for helping guide and help me realize how strong and capable I am.

10. I love my friends and family and would give the shirt off my back for them.

There are more, but I won't ramble on... :-)

My nominees are:

Gilly

Anne

Rachel

Michelle

Congrats Ladies! :-)

I am a Warrior

What a great week I have had...I'm pretty sure the reason for that was because I tackled it one day at time instead of looking towards the end of the week...I must remember to do that more often.


One aspect, however, that has been bothering me lately, is the feeling of "disconnection" that I have.  I miss the sense of "togetherness" and friendships that I formed at ALIVE...I miss walking into the women's change room and seeing my buddies and then catching up with what was going on in each other's lives...I miss the support and the camaraderie...This past Monday at U-Thrive was the first time since ALIVE closed that I felt a glimpse of that.  There were three trainers and their clients working out at the same time - it was busy and it felt good.  The music was loud and upbeat and for just a few minutes, it brought me back.  I guess I just need to reach out more to those people that I do miss...expect a call, email or BBM soon!


I had my second fill on Thursday...my dietitian Wania, was very excited and super proud of me...I managed to lose just over 10 pounds in the four weeks since I had seen she and Dr. Church.  Most of the weight I managed to lose in just the last couple of weeks - I had been on a bit of a plateau, but managed to break through that.  Wania also asked me if I would like to do a presentation to the new lapband clients that are new to the program - to tell them my story and to answer any questions they might have.  I told her I would love to do that.  If I can help someone that was in my same situation just over a year ago, then bring it on.  She told me I am everything that they want in the program - that she has never had anyone in the history of the program work as hard as I have.  We chatted about my eating patterns, and the only thing she "tweaked" was my snack in between breakfast and lunch - I wasn't having one because I just didn't have time...so now I will be making time starting this week.  I ended up getting 0.8 cc's in my band and now have a total of 2.8 cc's in.  At first, I was kind of disappointed, as I wanted more saline put in, but the past couple of days have proven to me, that slow and steady wins the race...I do feel quite a bit more restriction than I had.  


My exercise this week has been awesome...I have worked out in some form every day...Monday, I trained with Ben - and it was, as always a good session...Tuesday and Thursday I did Kendra's Bootcamp and loved it - I think I worked harder than I have in a long time...I walked just over 5km with Jessica in Fish Creek on Wednesday - we went on the west side of the park - much different than the east - lots more scenery and trees...and of course...mosquitoes!  lol...  they thought I was tasty I tell ya!  Friday came and I had my session with Ben again and Holly joined us!  It's always fun when she comes to my sessions...lots of giggles and just plain fun.  :-)  Saturday I went to Damir's kickboxing class and ended up working one on one with him for the entire time.  I am very glad that he gave me quite a few little breaks a long the way - cause by the end of it, I think my face was purple and today I am sporting a few bruises on my legs and my elbows...but I love it.  I know for a fact, that I couldn't keep up like that two years ago - I feel great about it...I feel like a warrior...and in a sense I am!  I've battled so many "things" the past couple of years - I've battled my thoughts, my insecurities, prescription meds and the anxiety...and I'm going to keep battling to get where I want to be...I'm 75.5 lbs down now...100 lbs down is in my reach - I'm getting excited...


Bring it on!


Have a great week everyone!  Stay strong!