As Good As It Gets??

For the past three days I've been trying to figure out what to post.  I've been in kind of a bad place as of late.  I've allowed some negative feelings to get the best of me and I haven't made the greatest of food choices.  I have even decreased my exercise the past couple of weeks.

It all kind of came to a head this past Tuesday morning when I saw the psychologist in my lap band program.  I have been seeing her monthly for follow up visits and to just touch base with how everything has been going for me.  I told her that I was feeling very frustrated with how I was feeling - that I felt like I wasnt making any progress.  She then said something that has been resonating in my head over and over... "Kristy - you must start to accept your body just the way it is now."  "You really won't be losing much more and you need to accept that." 

Uhhhh...pardon me...but WTF?!?!?!  Accept my body the way it is???  The last I checked, I still have 110lbs to lose.  I'm sorry, but no - I can't accept that. 

And that's just what I told her.  I will not and won't accept that.  I spent 20+ years saying that to myself - lying to myself and telling myself that it was okay to be as fat as I was.  That's how I got up to 360 lbs...that's NOT okay.  Her response to all of that was, that she was discharging me from her care and that she felt I didn't need her - that I could do the rest of it without her. 

Do the rest without HER???  I wanted to tell her to get over herself - but I all I could manage to mumble was thank you and goodbye. 

So ya.  I've been angry and hurt and then angry some more.  Angry that she told me this and angry that she's probably telling other people in my group the same thing. 

I also saw my new doctor about a week ago for my physical.  He said I was in terrific shape for someone my age.  He was pleased with my BP (although it was up a little bit - I contribute it to the fact that he's really nice to look at and he made me nervous) and my cholesterol and blood sugar were all normal...my ECG was normal and everything else...everything else BUT...

Ya you guessed it...my weight.  He was different from all of the other doctors that have discussed the weight issue with me tho.  He was patient but was very frank with me.  We talked about how my knees have been in the worst shape of my life the past month.  My good knee now clicks and cracks and is swollen.  I can no longer do squats or lunges.  In fact, two weeks ago at the gym, I had to take the elevator instead of the stairs up to the weight room floor.  I was mortified and embarrassed with myself.  I just couldn't get my knees to even bend in the manner you need to get up a simple flight of stairs....so, I took most of last week off and tried to rest them the best I could.  I went back today to do my cardio, and I could get up the stairs, although slowly. 

Anyway - back to my doctor's appt.  He told me if I didn't lose the weight, I probably wouldn't be able to walk by the time I reach 45.  All the meds in the world couldn't help - I need to get this weight off.  I wholeheartedly agreed with him.  I know I need to do this...get the weight off to help my knees.

So I guess the major point of my post was to get some stuff off my chest.  I WILL continue on this journey of weight loss and I will NOT accept the way things are. 

So this week my goals are:

1.  NO WHEAT!
2.  Exercise every day but Wednesday.
3.  NO cheating at work.
4.  Be nice to my knees :-)
5.  Stay FOCUSED

It's gonna be a good week...See??  I knew that posting this blog tonight would make me feel better!

Cheers!

Kris

Countdown!

It is hard to believe...in just 34 days I will turn 40. 

I do not feel 34 days away from being 40.  I was looking at my blog post: 10 Things! and I had to smile.  On my 39th Birthday last year, I posted 10 specific goals that I wanted to achieve before I turned 40.  I am happy to report I have achieved FIVE of them!  One of them I achieved just this past Monday.  In my Monday Turn and Burn class, I did 10 mens pushups without stopping.  Sure, I squeeked the last one out, but I did it.  I DID IT!!! 

There are a couple of goals on there that I wish I had achieved, but I am okay with it.  I need to shed a few more pounds before I can really get down and get into doing it again - those are my deadlifts.  I miss doing them - but I want to make sure I am careful - and only do them when I have a spotter.  I did do them just over a month ago and got up to 200lbs.  Slow and steady they say!  The other one was the unassisted pull-ups, but considering they are one of the hardest upper body exercises around,  I figure I need to shed more weight off this currentlly 270 body of mine. 

Speakingn of that - I am now TWELVE pounds away from being 100 lbs down.  While I would like to be down 100 lbs by my birthday, I know in my heart, I have won.  I am winning this battle with myself.  My clothes are fitting looser again, and I am feeling the best that I have in ages.  I am finally feeling strong and sure of myself - that in itself is more than losing 100 lbs to me. 

So the countdown is on...the countdown until I turn 40.  If I hit my 100lbs down by then...AWESOME!!  If I do not...that is okay.  In my heart, I have already done it.  A number does not define me.

Cheers to a great week everyone!

4th Fill...small loss!

I had my fourth fill this past Thursday.  I saw a different surgeon this time - Dr. Mitchell.  He heads the lap-band program for the region and trains new surgeons that come through the program.  I liked him.  He was blunt and to the point and answered all of the questions that I had.  When he was going through my chart and saw how much weight I had lost from last month - I was worried he was going to be disappointed with me.  To my surprise, it was the total opposite.  I had lost 3 lbs.  I wasn't very happy about it, but Dr. Mitchell was.  He told me that losing the weight slowly will ensure that I won't ever gain it back.  He gave me 0.3 cc's in my band for a total of 4.1 cc's.  I feel like I can finally feel some restriction, and I am not hungry for about 3-4 hours after I eat.  I am feeling optimistic and know that I am following the right path towards meeting my goal.

My weigh in days are on Fridays - and I was pretty happy this past Friday when I stepped on the scale.  I was down 3.6 lbs from a week earlier.  I worked hard this week - both on my food and my exercise program.  My exercise this week consisted of Kendra's Bootcamp on Tuesday and Thursday, Wednesday I went for another great walk in Fish Creek - came across a mama deer and her baby.  I love walking down there - it's so peaceful and it helps me to walk off the stress...Friday I did Damir's bootcamp class - lots of spin bike and upper body stuff...I'm still feeling my upper back muscles this morning - so obviously it was a good workout!  My knees are now making scraping noises whenever I walk now.  I have an appt with my family doctor - I'm actually feeling a little scared about it....and I'm also feeling a bit frustrated too.  I thought that taking some of this weight off would help my knees, but so far, I haven't seen any good results.  The osteoarthritis is startng to take over my left knee now too...I guess I will just continue to stay active and keep moving - I hope the doctor can shed some light into this for me.  I have something planned every evening this upcoming week - and I'm looking forward to it!

I've been bang on with my food this week too.  I've been treating food as fuel - and I'm so proud of myself. 

So this week...my goals are:

1.  Sip water throughout the day...not just when I feel thirsty.
2.  Be active every day
3.  Stress...BUST IT...

Have a great one everyone!

Small Gain

I have had a pretty normal week - that is a good thing...

I know I have mentioned this until I am blue in the face, but I am totally loving my new job.  I am so busy, that I do not know what to do with myself most days, I am learning a ton of stuff and I feel like I have actually contributed in a good way.  I actually feel happy about getting up in the morning and going to work.  I know this feeling will probably go away in a couple of weeks, but for now I am going to relish in it!

I have chosen Fridays as my official weigh in day.  This week, I had a small gain though of 1.4 lbs.  I am not going to get worked up about it, as I know what the reason behind it was...I only exercised three times this week and it was TOM.  The first part I have control over, the second part I do not.  There are some months where I actually gain between 5-7 lbs during my period...so I am lucky to get off with 1.4 lbs.  Next week will be a better week!

My knees are giving me problems again.  They now make the usual crunching sound, but now they are making a popping noise whenever I walk.  Plus, there is pain behind my right knee now when I walk for long periods.  My workouts this week frustrated me because my knees just would not do their job.  I guess it is back to the doctor I go - I have been waiting to hear back about a referral to an orthopedic surgeon, so will ask when I go and see him.  I want this taken care of and the sooner I do it the better.  I am getting frustrated with my limitations - I watch everyone else jump, run and go the distance to get the most out of their workouts and I feel like I am behind - having to modify almost everything.   I used to be able to do hamstring curls on the exercise ball - and I cannot do them anymore as my knees just crumble and crack and it hurts.  I am looking at cortisone injections next - but if there is cartilage damage, which I think there might be - it will mean surgery.  Osteoarthritis is an unforgiving condition - it is not reversible and I know eventually...down the road...I will need knee replacements.  For now, I will have to do what I can to help keep them as pain free as possible.

As for my goals that I set for the week...I did not meet any of them.  I find with my new job, I do not even have time to drink water throughout the day.  This will stop - I have to make time.  It does not take long to take a sip of water!  And I do not know what I was thinking about cutting out carbs in the evening with TOM - that was kind of silly! lol...and I did not meet my exercise goal.  So...I think for this week I will set some smaller goals.  They are:

1.  Drink as much water as I can throughout the day.
2.  Stay as active as I can.
3.  No stressing about small stupid stuff.

Alright...they look like pretty achieveable goals to me! 

Hope everyone has a great week!

Motivation

I had a pretty good week this week.  I mostly attribute that to the fact that I stayed active four out of the five days and maintained a positive atittude...oh ya - and my new job! :-)  I seem to be fitting in quite nicely at the DSC - the job is extremely busy, but I feel like I have contributed and done a good job.  The girls there are super great to work with...when I walked in on my first day on Tuesday, this was on my desk!

By the time Friday rolled around, I was exhausted...but I was happy...and that's the most important thing to me.

I really enjoyed my exercise routine this week.  Monday I participated in Damir's (my husband's trainer) bootcamp.  There was lots of spinning, and he set up stations for each person - I remember doing plank rows, jumping jacks (which of course I had to modify) Rock Star Pushups, burpees, and other exercises I don't remember offhand now...lol  I went home after that and collapsed and felt great.  Tuesday I did Kendra's class...I remember it being hard, but I finished every drill she asked.  There was a lot of leg work and my knee was not in great shape - but still I pushed through and got it done.  Wednesday was probably my turning point to the week.  I came home right after work and for the first time since I started my journey, I DID NOT WANT TO WORK OUT....and this upset me a little.  I sat on my couch for about 30 mins when I finally decided to change my atittude, and I reached out to a couple of people.  So I got up off the couch and headed down to Fish Creek!  I only intended to go for a short walk (like an hour long), but once I got down there and started walking, and I felt my heart going I pushed on.  Here are a couple of pics of my walk - the second pic is of the hill that I did right at the end - after walking for 90 mins - I wasn't so sure I could get up it, but I pushed myself and got er done!

This is the bridge where the C-Train goes over.

This is my own personal "Hill of Hell"...after walking for 90 minutes, this was kinda brutal...but I did it!

Thursday, I did Kendra's class again - Thursdays are fun...there is always some kickboxing drills with weight training of some sort.  Kendra does this drill called Tower of Power - kind of like drop sets - I love doing her Tower of Power and I had a great kickboxing partner too...Then I got a nice surprise, when Ben walked in at the end of the class - he was going to do a workout and asked me if I wanted to work out with him...I thought to myself...really?  I just did Kendra's class and you want me to workout again?!  So ya...I did...and it was so much fun!  My shoulders are still sore and that was three days ago.  Friday I took a rest day as I needed it.

I've learned a lot about myself this week...I've learned that I am willing to do what it takes to finish and get the job done...and I will keep proving that to myself until I am finished this journey.  I need to continue to motivate myself and keep going.

So...did I meet my goals from last week?  Well not really...I didn't do Wednesday's class - I wanted to give my knee a rest - but I did do the walk in Fish Creek...my sleep wasn't great, but not as bad as it has been...and the carbs in the evening?  Yeah I still had them.  I do know that I need to buckle down when it comes to that...and I will...

So this week my goals are:

1.  Cut back on carbs in the evening.

2.  Find some form of activity to do four out of the five days.

3.  Increase my water intake

Hope everyone has a great week!



Commitment

com·mit·ment  [kuh-mit-muhnt]


–noun


1. the act of committing.


2. the state of being committed.


3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.

What exactly is commitment??  When I read through these three definitions, I stop at number 2 and giggle...number one seems pretty close to the way I see it, but number three is where I would truly like to be.  I know that in order for my weight loss journey to be successful, I must commit to myself a whole lot more.  Back in January when I started my pre op diet I was hugely commited to myself...in the past week, not so much.  I found myself making some wrong food choices, and my exercise was WAY down.  This was the first time in almost two years that I actually didn't feel like working out.  I started off the week with an awesome hot yoga class - for those of you that have never tried hot yoga before, I would definitely encourage you to try it.  I must warn everyone tho - you will sweat like you have never sweat before...it didn't just drip out of me...it POURED and ROLLED out of me...lol  At first, I was really nervous - worried I wouldn't be able to stay in the room for more than 5 minutes...but once the class started, I was commited.  It ended up being their hardest class too - but my friend Randi and I did it!  It was also great for my joints - I was shocked by the amount that I could do - I could move the way I wanted without limits and pain.  It was just a great experience for me overall - something I will definitely try again.  I did Kendra's bootcamps also, but the rest of the time I just didn't do anything...it felt weird and I didn't like it. 

This was the first week ever that I felt as though I was failing at this...by saying this, I mean this whole journey that I have been working hard on.  I feel lost...and I feel alone.  I know that nobody can lose this weight for me and I know that nobody else can make me happy but me.  Every week lately seems like a broken record...same things going through my head...then me telling myself that I must make that commitment to myself and start doing this for me.  I am afraid at failing and letting myself down...undoing all of my hard work.  I just keep telling myself if I could just get a hold on my "head stuff" that I'm golden...I've got this...

Starting right now - I am going to make a commitment to myself.  I will no longer make shitty food choices...I will figure out what I need to do to get in some form of activity every day.  Even if it is just going out for a walk in the evening...I will commit to stop the negative self talk and worrying about failing all the time.  Everyone has a "blip" in their journey and I am finally figuring out that this is my "blip." 

What are you doing to stay commited to yourself?  Are you commited enough to want to succeed?  How badly do you want this?  Are you willing to do anything to reach your goals?  These are all the questions I am asking myself once again...I DO want this...I AM commited and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get my weight loss on the move again.

And lastly..."Don't think about it...DO it."  Something that my trainer Ben has told me over and over and over...

So this week...I'm gonna DO it!

First Fill and a NSV! (Non-Scale Victory)

I'm so glad to be blogging about something happy and positive today...the past couple of weeks have been not so great in the fact that I've felt lost, and un-focused.  Today, I'm feeling like I am finally back on track and ready to meet my goals head on.  One goal in particular, is almost achieved already!  I said I wanted to be in size 18-20 pants - well yesterday, when trying on jeans at Penningtons, I fit into a size 22!  I had a really good feeling even before I walked into the store that it would happen.  I've been walking around for the past three weeks walking on the bottoms of my jeans/pants and people have been telling me how ridiculous it looks.  I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to buy a new pair of jeans - I guess I just felt comfortable in the old ones - I guess I felt safe.  Sometimes I feel safe in my "fat-suit" -it has been my body armour for the past 20 years - protecting me from hurt and other aspects in my life... so I made a pact with myself yesterday, that I will no longer do that anymore - I looked at the picture that I took of myself and can't believe how much weight I have lost - I know, I have heard from a lot of people telling me how incredible I look - and I just say thank you and don't think about much - but I actually finally really noticed yesterday - I look freakin great - I can't believe how much I have slimmed out - I know I have a long ways to go yet, but that picture sure makes me feel that I can keep going!  

Earlier on in the week, I set another goal for myself.  I am 35 lbs pounds away from losing a total of 100 lbs since I started at ALIVE almost two years ago.  June 5th will mark that day - so I have set the goal of 35 lbs by June 5th.  I think it's the short-term goals that keep people going and this one definitely will keep me in check!


I also had my first fill on Thursday.  Other than it hurting a little, it went really well.  Dr. Church is very impressed with my progress so far.  My weight loss had stalled in the past couple of weeks, but he said the fill would definitely help with that.  I can totally notice the restricted feeling now too - I find that I am full even after drinking a cup of coffee - the feeling of fullness doesn't last of course for very long after drinking, but I stay full after my oatmeal in the morning for FOUR HOURS...I love it - I love my lap band!  Check out a video of a typical lap-band fill - this is pretty close to what I had on Thursday - other than the numbing beforehand - I never got that!

My exercise routine has been great too - consistency and routine has been the key for me.  My training sessions with Ben have been kicked up a notch (at least it feels like that for me)...near the end of Friday's workout I almost started to cry - he was having me do decline sit-ups, and body weight rows - both of which I find are very hard for me...I wanted to call him every name in the book, but I didn't...maybe one of these days I will lol...I find it hard to call somebody something like that when they are trying to help you - for me, it just seems wrong to do so.  Who knows - there's always time...lol  I feel great today - like I have accomplished something  I'm also trying out a new class at Southland Leisure Centre too - gotta try and mix things up a bit!


So things are starting to come together - I'm starting to get my routine and my "groove" back!  And one by one I know I will reach my goals!


What goals have you set for yourself?  Plan them...reach out for help if you need and DO IT!


Happy week everyone!

10 Things!

Today is my Birthday...I turn 39...one more year until the big 4-0!  This coming year is going to be full of excitement, accomplishments, change and of course I'm sure there will be a disappointment here and there along the way.  But I am preparing myself the best way that I can - with that in mind, I have set up 10 goals - some personal (non scale type goals) and some physical (exercise)...

My goals before I reach the age of 40 are:

1.  I want to be able to cross my legs.  I haven't been able to do this in about 20 years.  Guess it's time I started acting like a woman...lol

2.  I want to be able to do 10 man's pushups without stopping.

3.  I would like to be in a size 18-20 - pants, size large for my tops.

4.  Speaking of sizes - how about a D cup for a bra size??

5.  As much as I HATE doing them - I want to hold a plank for two minutes.

6.  To appreciate veggies more - I got close up and personal with them for my pre op stage and actually don't mind them...I would like to try different ones tho - no more cucumber!

7.  To make myself happy...not depend on others for it.

8.  To deadlift what I used to - 265 lbs...and if I am able - higher

9.  To do three unassisted pull-ups.

10.  By my next birthday - I would like to be in the low 200's...and if possible out of the 200's all together.

So those are my 10 specific goals I would like to achieve by the time I hit 40.  I will take it day by day and know that if I work hard, I will achieve them!

On another note - my healing continues - I've been feeling great and have been getting in my exercise.  I kickboxed for 15 minutes last night - then went on the treadmill and did jogging intervals...I'm really happy about my progress.  Today I start with soft foods...this means I can have eggs!  I can't wait until I get my first fill in six weeks - then I can really get this show on the road.  I'm also losing about a pound a day and loving that - I know it will even itself out eventually, but for now I am just going to enjoy the steady loss...something I haven't been able to enjoy for ME!