As Good As It Gets??

For the past three days I've been trying to figure out what to post.  I've been in kind of a bad place as of late.  I've allowed some negative feelings to get the best of me and I haven't made the greatest of food choices.  I have even decreased my exercise the past couple of weeks.

It all kind of came to a head this past Tuesday morning when I saw the psychologist in my lap band program.  I have been seeing her monthly for follow up visits and to just touch base with how everything has been going for me.  I told her that I was feeling very frustrated with how I was feeling - that I felt like I wasnt making any progress.  She then said something that has been resonating in my head over and over... "Kristy - you must start to accept your body just the way it is now."  "You really won't be losing much more and you need to accept that." 

Uhhhh...pardon me...but WTF?!?!?!  Accept my body the way it is???  The last I checked, I still have 110lbs to lose.  I'm sorry, but no - I can't accept that. 

And that's just what I told her.  I will not and won't accept that.  I spent 20+ years saying that to myself - lying to myself and telling myself that it was okay to be as fat as I was.  That's how I got up to 360 lbs...that's NOT okay.  Her response to all of that was, that she was discharging me from her care and that she felt I didn't need her - that I could do the rest of it without her. 

Do the rest without HER???  I wanted to tell her to get over herself - but I all I could manage to mumble was thank you and goodbye. 

So ya.  I've been angry and hurt and then angry some more.  Angry that she told me this and angry that she's probably telling other people in my group the same thing. 

I also saw my new doctor about a week ago for my physical.  He said I was in terrific shape for someone my age.  He was pleased with my BP (although it was up a little bit - I contribute it to the fact that he's really nice to look at and he made me nervous) and my cholesterol and blood sugar were all normal...my ECG was normal and everything else...everything else BUT...

Ya you guessed it...my weight.  He was different from all of the other doctors that have discussed the weight issue with me tho.  He was patient but was very frank with me.  We talked about how my knees have been in the worst shape of my life the past month.  My good knee now clicks and cracks and is swollen.  I can no longer do squats or lunges.  In fact, two weeks ago at the gym, I had to take the elevator instead of the stairs up to the weight room floor.  I was mortified and embarrassed with myself.  I just couldn't get my knees to even bend in the manner you need to get up a simple flight of stairs....so, I took most of last week off and tried to rest them the best I could.  I went back today to do my cardio, and I could get up the stairs, although slowly. 

Anyway - back to my doctor's appt.  He told me if I didn't lose the weight, I probably wouldn't be able to walk by the time I reach 45.  All the meds in the world couldn't help - I need to get this weight off.  I wholeheartedly agreed with him.  I know I need to do this...get the weight off to help my knees.

So I guess the major point of my post was to get some stuff off my chest.  I WILL continue on this journey of weight loss and I will NOT accept the way things are. 

So this week my goals are:

1.  NO WHEAT!
2.  Exercise every day but Wednesday.
3.  NO cheating at work.
4.  Be nice to my knees :-)
5.  Stay FOCUSED

It's gonna be a good week...See??  I knew that posting this blog tonight would make me feel better!

Cheers!

Kris

96...

Yup!  The title is correct!  As of this past Friday, I am down 96 lbs!  I'm so close to 100lbs down that I can taste it.  I'm so freakin excited, that every time I think about it, I just smile from ear to ear.  I've been working really hard - on both my nutrition and my exercise so it all makes sense.

I wish I could just round it up...lol  But then that would be cheating right?  ;-P

On a different subject - those of you who do not know - we lost a member of our pet family last week.  My beautiful leo gecko passed away peacefully last Wednesday morning.  I had her for 10 years and she was such a neat pet.  I will miss her greatly - I still find myself feeling a bit sad when I come home and see her empty tank.  It's always hard to let a pet go...but I keep telling myself - that nothing lives forever...and that she is at peace. 

I saw my therapist yesterday.  She invited a "Sleep Psychologist" to my session.  She had a lot of great ideas about ways that I can help deal with my chronic insomnia issues.  One of them was trying to not fall asleep in front of the TV - and to just head up to bed as soon as I feel tired.  Well I did just that last night and it worked!  I slept right through to Brian's alarm.  We also had a chance to talk about my sleep medications - which I am very proud to say I'm only on ONE now...NO MORE SEROQUEL!!  As of the 20th of this month, I will have been off it for a full 30 days.  I still take the Trazadone, but was told that it's okay. 

I've also been making large changes with my nutrition - I've been really cutting back hard on the wheat in my diet and have been noticing the benefits of that.  I've been looking into the Paleo Diet and the Primal Diet - both of which intrigue me.  I have been leaning a little more towards the Primal as it allows certain types of dairy - i.e. cheese, natural yogurt etc.  While I don't eat a heck of a lot of cheese, I do eat my share of yogurt.  There are so many things to think about - whatever I do decide to do, I will make sure I do it slowly!

I'm feeling stronger and more in control of my life...and I LOVE it!

Something has "Clicked" with me

Something has clicked with me...something has finally clicked in my brain.  The past couple of weeks I have really gotten serious...I've eaten clean, cut out MOST sugar, and really gotten serious about my exercise program....and I've lost six pounds.  I have even had some temptations along the way too, and have managed to stay clear of them.  I feel more sure of myself and more confident.  I have also been tracking EVERYTHING I put in my mouth - I've been using www.myfitnesspal.com - it's such a super great food and exercise tracking application.  The food database has EVERY kind of food in it.  It's amazing and I would recommend it to everyone!

I am a sugar addict.  Plain and simple.  We had a chance to talk about sugar addiction in my lap-band support group class on Wednesday.  Sugar addiction is like what an alcoholic goes through with alcohol.  If they are given just a little bit of alcohol, they will end up binging.  Give a sugar addict even as little as a jelly bean, and they will binge.  I tested out that theory on Friday.  I have picked Friday as my day to eat a little bit out of my rigid schedule.  I ate two jelly beans - and immediately wanted more.  I think I ended up having a handful - and by the end of it, was broken out in such a sugar rush sweat, I could hardly handle it.  Lesson learned...I just can't have sugar around - I binge.  It's a work in progress, but I've done so more more better than I ever have.  Eventually I hope to WILL beat it!

Something else great happened to me this week.  While I was going through some old clothes and putting them in bags ready to get rid of, I came across a pair of jeans that I used to wear when I was 360 lbs.  They were a size 32 and I though I would try them on...just to be sure they still didn't fit.  Yeah right...they HUNG on me...they were MASSIVE!  I asked Brian to take a picture of me - I wanted to see it for myself.  I was laughing when I looked down at myself.  Then I looked at the picture - and bawled my eyes out.  There was this other person looking back at me - I hardly recognized myself.  For the first time since I started this journey of mine, I can really and honestly say I am proud of myself and have really noticed my hard work.  I have decided to keep this pair of jeans and bring them out when I am ever feeling frustrated with my progress.  Get a load of the pic!

I also found out on Tuesday that I got my job permanently.  I am now a permanent employee at the DSC!  I have looked forward to that day for the past seven months...I am happy and I am content...and that's what matters.

I also saw Joanne (my lap-band psychologist) on Friday.  I am making HUGE progress when it comes to my way of thinking, my attitudes toward food, and letting go of the past and staying in the present.  She has been a great resource to me and I am VERY grateful for her. 

Looking forward to more positive experiences this week!  Have a great week everyone!

My Birthday and Psychologist Visit

I had a really great Birthday this year for my 40th.  It was an opportunity to get the people that I love the most together...there were some people there whom I hadn't seen in a few years and it was really nice to see them.  One of my best friends Heather and her family and my friend Carrie from my CGIT years were there - SO wonderful to see them!  I hope this means we will be seeing more of each other.

When I look back at my pictures from my birthday three years ago - before I started my journey, I am amazed at how far I have come.  I am VERY proud and very happy with my progress so far - the pic below is from my Birthday in 2009:

And here is my pic from last weekend:

Not only have I lost weight, but I have gained strength, and self-confidence.  I think I look younger in the most recent picture too, which is kinda cool. 

All in all...it was a pretty good day and evening all around.

So...onto other things...for the past couple of weeks, I have been slipping a bit.  While my exercise regime has been pretty good - other than my shitty knees giving me problems from time to time - the "mental" aspect hasn't entirely been there for me.  I've gotten into the pattern of negative self talk from time to time and thought it was best to "nip it in the bud" per say, so I booked an appointment with the Psychologist in my Lap-Band Program.  Her name is Joanne and she's incredible.  In my 50 minute appointment with her, she knew more about me than I could imagine.  I talked to her about all of my stresses, and my self-doubts.  She's a tough cookie - and that's exactly what I needed.  We set up a plan for me to work on some of my issues and she even had me write down everything that we had talked about in the session.  As my "homework assignment" she told me to remember to bring the card back with me to my next appointment and go through each of the points I had written down on the card with her.  When I walked out of her office, I felt like I finally had some control back.  It felt great.

I see her again in two weeks and am looking forward to it!