No Resolutions!

Happy 2012 Everyone!

So...Resolutions...why do we make them?  We wake up on January 1st and make all these "Resolutions" to ourselves.  Sure, for the first few weeks, we follow our new healthy meal plans and go to the gym with all the rest of them.  We tell ourselves that we will be "good" and we will make these resolutions to live a more healthy lifestyle.  How many of us actually stick to these promises that we make to ourselves?

I decided two years ago never to make these resolutions to myself again.  Sure, I did it.  I woke up on January 1st and told myself I was going to eat better...that I was going to go to "a gym" and exercise. 

I never did it. 

Instead, I've made a conscious effort to make "promises" to myself.  The one promise I really want to make to myself is to just be happy.  I would be lying if I said that 2011 was a stellar year for me.  It was not.  I struggled with the food aspect, but most of all I struggled with depression and I struggled with self-worth. 

If I learned anything this past year however, it would be realizing how much inner-strength I have.  There were so many times when I wanted to give up.  I wanted to just say "screw it" and not do this journey anymore.  I even went through a whole weekend of not exercising and not eating properly - just to see if I could go back to my old habits.  And you know what?  It didn't work.   It didn't last.  My "new" habits that I have formed kicked into full gear and I will never go back to that feeling again. 

When ALIVE closed down, and Ben and Holly moved away, I felt as though I lost my support system altogether.  I didn't realize it at the time, but this was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me.  It made me realize that I did and do have a support system - ME.  Only I can take care of myself and fight my battle with obesity on my own.  Sure, it's awesome to have friends along the way and it's wonderful to have a work out buddy from time to time.  I love that.  I love all of the support and encouragement I have recieved from my family and friends.  I am finally realizing that I am responsible for my future weight loss and goals...

I am realizing just how strong I am on on the inside.  Thank you to all of you that have been there for me - encouraging and supporting me along the way.  I am really looking forward to this year and all of the challenges it hold for me.  I am looking forward to not only meeting some weight loss goals, but other goals such as happiness and peace - within myself.

So, screw those "New Year's Resolutions" and start making promises to yourself.  Promise to live each day just being happy...

I am.

My Journey WILL Continue!

I am very happy to report that I managed to break through my crappy attitude "funk" that I was in last week with regards to my emotional eating - and am down five pounds.  How did I do it?  Thinking back through the week, all I did was break it down day by day and tackled it that way.  I still had some issues in regards to some anxiety, but I didn't waver from my nutrition plan.  I also exercised my butt off -had wicked hard heavy lifting workouts with Ben, and lots of cardio and TRX awesomeness in bootcamp with Kendra - I also did another hot yoga class on Wednesday and loved it yet again.  I stayed active six times this week - with today being my only day off...and I feel great!

One item that has been on my mind for a while now is the fact that my trainer Ben is moving away.  I have never come out and told him how I  feel, as making a big deal out of it would be downright counter-productive.  When he first told me, I was anxiety ridden...I kept asking myself these same questions...How would I continue with my journey?  How will I actually do this?  Will I give up and just be fat again?  He has been training me ever since I started - I want him to finish it with me...how will that happen?  I have answered these questions recently - I WILL continue this journey on my own and I CAN do it.  I have come so far - too far to just give up.  I have WAY more self-reliance than I did even a year ago.   The time has come to do "this" on my own.  As for him being a part of my journey right to the end - he still will be there - just not in person...oh the wonders of email/facebook/skype! 

I will miss Ben and Holly VERY much - they have done so much for me and words cannot express how much that means to me.  It's not very often that really great/caring people come into your life - they came into my life at that time for a reason - they have guided me and encouraged me and pushed me to the point in my life where I am stronger than I have ever been - and that's just not the physical - I'm stronger mentally and am in such a better place than I was two years ago. 

Regardless...I will be okay - I know I will...Ben has given me the "tools" that I need to push through to this next phase of my journey...all I need to do and will do is work as hard as I can...and make myself happy...I believe things happen for a reason - I am excited at what I am going to accomplish...

Look out...HERE I COME.

I am a Warrior

What a great week I have had...I'm pretty sure the reason for that was because I tackled it one day at time instead of looking towards the end of the week...I must remember to do that more often.


One aspect, however, that has been bothering me lately, is the feeling of "disconnection" that I have.  I miss the sense of "togetherness" and friendships that I formed at ALIVE...I miss walking into the women's change room and seeing my buddies and then catching up with what was going on in each other's lives...I miss the support and the camaraderie...This past Monday at U-Thrive was the first time since ALIVE closed that I felt a glimpse of that.  There were three trainers and their clients working out at the same time - it was busy and it felt good.  The music was loud and upbeat and for just a few minutes, it brought me back.  I guess I just need to reach out more to those people that I do miss...expect a call, email or BBM soon!


I had my second fill on Thursday...my dietitian Wania, was very excited and super proud of me...I managed to lose just over 10 pounds in the four weeks since I had seen she and Dr. Church.  Most of the weight I managed to lose in just the last couple of weeks - I had been on a bit of a plateau, but managed to break through that.  Wania also asked me if I would like to do a presentation to the new lapband clients that are new to the program - to tell them my story and to answer any questions they might have.  I told her I would love to do that.  If I can help someone that was in my same situation just over a year ago, then bring it on.  She told me I am everything that they want in the program - that she has never had anyone in the history of the program work as hard as I have.  We chatted about my eating patterns, and the only thing she "tweaked" was my snack in between breakfast and lunch - I wasn't having one because I just didn't have time...so now I will be making time starting this week.  I ended up getting 0.8 cc's in my band and now have a total of 2.8 cc's in.  At first, I was kind of disappointed, as I wanted more saline put in, but the past couple of days have proven to me, that slow and steady wins the race...I do feel quite a bit more restriction than I had.  


My exercise this week has been awesome...I have worked out in some form every day...Monday, I trained with Ben - and it was, as always a good session...Tuesday and Thursday I did Kendra's Bootcamp and loved it - I think I worked harder than I have in a long time...I walked just over 5km with Jessica in Fish Creek on Wednesday - we went on the west side of the park - much different than the east - lots more scenery and trees...and of course...mosquitoes!  lol...  they thought I was tasty I tell ya!  Friday came and I had my session with Ben again and Holly joined us!  It's always fun when she comes to my sessions...lots of giggles and just plain fun.  :-)  Saturday I went to Damir's kickboxing class and ended up working one on one with him for the entire time.  I am very glad that he gave me quite a few little breaks a long the way - cause by the end of it, I think my face was purple and today I am sporting a few bruises on my legs and my elbows...but I love it.  I know for a fact, that I couldn't keep up like that two years ago - I feel great about it...I feel like a warrior...and in a sense I am!  I've battled so many "things" the past couple of years - I've battled my thoughts, my insecurities, prescription meds and the anxiety...and I'm going to keep battling to get where I want to be...I'm 75.5 lbs down now...100 lbs down is in my reach - I'm getting excited...


Bring it on!


Have a great week everyone!  Stay strong!

You've Come A Long Way Baby!

When I started this journey back almost two years ago, I came in with no expectations really...why would I?  It seemed that everything I tried - (Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, TOPS - just to name a few) I always seemed to fail at and yes, I would lose weight at first, but then become frustrated and then just give up and gain the weight back and then some.


Earlier in the week, I got to thinking how far I have come.  Those of you that know me well know that when I say "I got to thinking" you know that's not entirely a good thing.  I tend to over-analyze and over-think when it comes to my weight-loss efforts.  On Wednesday I hit a milestone.  I hit the 70 lbs mark!  I was so excited when I saw 288 lbs...I was so happy I could hardly get ready for work.  Then on the way to work I "got to thinking"... WTF?!  That's 70 lbs in TWO years...that's terrible...Kristy - U suck...


So ya...that's what I continued to do for pretty much the rest of the week - I berated myself...treated myself like dirt...you name it - I did it.


I finally "woke up" on Friday...I decided that I had had enough - enough with the negative energy and pain that I was causing myself.  So what if I lost 70 lbs in two years...so what if it's taken me longer than most people I know...so what if my knee was sore...SO WHAT!!  I have lost 70 lbs (72 as of today thank you very much) and know that I am physically and mentally stronger than I have EVER been in my life.  I was chatting with Ben on the way home from my workout on Friday evening and he helped me (special mention also goes to Holly who has also taken the time and compassion to discuss this with me) - to realize my accomplishments OTHER than the scale - I have specified some of them in my blog post 20 things! but now what I really need to do is read each and every one of them again and live them.  My health overall is SO much better than it used to be.  My blood pressure is nice and low and I'm almost off my Seroquel entirely.  My clothes are so loose on me it's almost to point of ridiculous...there are so many other accomplishments I have made OTHER than the stupid scale and I must keep remembering that.  The scale does not define who I am or who I will become.


I also realized something just a few minutes ago...I only have 28 pounds more to go until I reach the 100 lb mark...100 lbs off my body - 100lbs off my joints...I know I set a goal of that as stated in  First Fill and a NSV!  but have now decided that I don't care how long it takes me...I will take as long as I need to do accomplish this goal - NO PRESSURE!


I have come a long way since I walked through the doors at ALIVE...I've gone from a sad, 358 lb woman with absolutely no self-esteem to who I am today - I'm now 286 lbs, and I'm strong and determined to reach my goals no matter how long it takes me...there is no time limit to life...I am lucky...I'm lucky to have the life and the friends and family that I have.


One day at a time...one inch, one step, one accomplishment at a time...

Walking...it does a body good!

Finally...the weather has started to cooperate and act (a little) like spring here!  I've spent the last two years working out within the walls of ALIVE- I either went on the treadmill, rode the recumbent bike or trained with Ben.  The closure has made me go outside my comfort zone a bit and start doing something different...so, on Tuesday, Holly and I went for a walk in Fish Creek...and what a walk it was!  I've lived so close to Fish Creek for the past almost SEVEN years and have only ventured there to have picnics, and weenie roasts and stuff like that...


And boy did we walk...8 KM in fact!  Holly had her Nike + I-pod application running and we logged everything  from how fast we were going, to how far we had gone, to how long it took us.  I think it took us  90 mins - but am not sure if that's an accurate number.  I have never walked that far in my life and it felt awesome to have done it...I felt like I had accomplished something huge.  I have plans to go twice this week - Monday and Wednesday evening...below is a map of Fish Creek - it doesn't really show where we walked on Tuesday evening though...we started at Voiter's Flatts and walked all the way to Glenfield - and around and up the hill to Canyon Meadows Drive - then walked along there and then walked back down into the park and back up to Voiter's Flatts...


Here is a link to the map to the park - it shows more of where we walked:


http://www.tpr.alberta.ca/parks/fishcreek/PDF/fcpp%20map.pdf


I did come up against one obstacle this week...my body.  I woke up on Wednesday - I knew that I would be stiff from the walking adventure the evening before - but what I wasn't prepared for was the swelling in my hands and elbows...and it scared me.  I couldn't understand why this was happening.  I went through most of the day feeling not so great - tired, headache, and even had a slight fever.  I went to a class that evening and got through it.  I thought the workout would help make me feel better - and it did momentarily - then when I got home - the pain was incredible...I even had pain in my stomach - I hurt everywhere...I went upstairs to my bed and layed down and cried my head off.  I kept thinking over and over in my head "Why am I doing this??!"  "I don't want to do this anymore - I'm sick of my body and my limitations"  "Why can't I do as much as everyone else can?!"  "My body is giving up - I want to give up"  Then - all of a sudden I stopped crying and realized why I am doing this...I want to be happy...I want to be healthy...I want to see Maggie graduate from high school and University...I just want to be HAPPY... - I just kept saying that over and over to myself.  Once I got over my pity party I realized that I my body is going to rebel on me from time to time and I just need to learn how to deal with it.  I am strong and independent and will get through this.  I just need to believe in myself and believe in what I am capable of.  So for the rest of the week - whenever I felt  the pain in my knees or feet or anywhere else for that matter, I just told myself that I control the pain - it does not control me.


The scale has been fairly nice to me this week - I lost 1.4 lbs...which is right on track with my 1-2 pounds a week.  Considering it was that time of the month, and I did have some stress throughout the week, I am happy with it!  I had a great Easter - and had a great time with my family.  We went to a buffet and I managed to only eat one plate of food.  Before my lapband, I would eat probably two plates FULL.  I do feel that I am getting hungry more quickly again - and will need a fill again soon.  I see Dr. Church on May 19th for my second fill and am looking forward to it.  I bought a new top a couple of weeks ago - it's a 2X!  I was wearing between a 2-3XL but now am finally into a 2XL for good.  The 3XL hangs on me and looks silly...I am also wearing a size 22 in my jeans.  At this rate, I might be in my goal of size 18-20 before my 40th birthday!  I'm excited...


Hold on tight!  It's gonna be a crazy week!

Goodbye Negative Thoughts!

This blog entry has taken me about 90 mins just to figure out what I want to type.  I've got so much "stuff" in my head that I want to say, but it's mostly in fragments.  I apologize in advance if it's all over the place!


Well - I'm happy to say I have "recovered" from last week's post.  Work has seemed to get a bit better, along with other aspects in my life.  I did stress about a few stupid things, but quickly caught myself and put a stop to it.  One thing I've been noticing and it's quite obvious to me is, while my body is losing weight, and feeling good, my brain has not quite caught up with it.  I keep getting this negative voice in my head that keeps telling me I'm not worth it, I'm gross, and I'm useless - now I know this is entirely not true - I know in my heart that being hard on myself like this is not going to help my weight loss...but I keep doing it.  I've been working with Veronica (my therapist) for quite a while on this - about six months in fact and the "homework" she had me do this past month, was to "confront" this negative voice - to actually talk to it OUTLOUD and tell it it had no business being in my head and talking to me that way - and I had to do this whenever and wherever the thought would come up.  I'm smiling right now as I type because I'm remembering me sitting on the bus and heading to work and this happening - and the looks that I got...oh well - whatever - at least I fit in with the rest of them!  Anybody that rides Calgary Transit knows what I am talking about!


This week had me thinking a lot about how I even began my lap-band journey.  I think about that evening last June when we got home from the gym and finding that letter from the Weight Management Program - I remember reading through it, rolling my eyes and throwing it in the garbage!  Then I remember telling Ben about it and him encouraging me to "go for it" and that this could only help me along my weight loss journey.  Ultimately yes, it was my decision to make and I thought long and hard about it and I'm so glad I decided to do it. I've also been thinking about a couple of my physical "breakthroughs" last summer.  I started tapering down on this drug called Seroquel that I was on to help me relax and sleep.  I was on as much as 150 mgs of the stuff - while I was going through withdrawl all summer long as I was tapering off  the stuff, I would come to my workouts either dizzy, nauseated, or having the shakes - and the most amazing thing was that Ben did not lose patience with me - I don't think there are many (if any) personal trainers out there that would take the time to be patient when it comes to stuff like this.  Whenever I would feel like giving up, he was there to guide me back on track - to help me see the bigger picture.  Both he and Holly have been very important in my life - by both going above and beyond to help me stay focused to reach my goal.  Kendra has also helped me a great deal - at the start of the summer last year, she had me kickboxing up and down the parking lot at ALIVE.  She pushed me beyond what I thought in my head that I was capable of.  She helped me to believe that I can do anything I set my heart out to do - and finish it.  


So, I know that with more determination, self-reliance and strength inside and out, I will be able to reach my goals that I set out for myself back on my birthday in February.  The only person I am up against is ME.  I am going keep challenging my negative thoughts and quash them.  I will not let them control me...anymore.


I am in the driver's seat.