The "Other" Woman

It's been a bit of an crazy up and down two weeks.

I went to the Y this past Saturday morning to do my usual "crazy" strength training workout.  I love Saturday mornings at the Y.  Everybody there is serious and ready to really work out and train their bodies.  There is hardly any waiting for benches and everyone is courteous to everyone else.  Something happened to me yesterday.  Something I hadn't noticed before.  I was standing there, doing my bicep curls - making sure I was watching myself in the mirror - watching my form...then I did something I have never done before.  I REALLY looked at myself...and the other woman in the mirror hardly looked like me - or so I felt that way.  My jaw dropped.  I almost dropped the weights on my feet in fact lol...as I walked up closer to the mirror to get a closer look, the tears started.  I noticed my collar bones.  I noticed my neck.  I noticed that I didn't have a double chin.  I noticed my eyes.  Then I looked down and noticed the rest of my body - I had a much smaller waist and my legs had some form to them instead of my big old sausage legs. 

I have had people tell me how great I look.  They have been telling me this for a long time now.

The thing is...

Is that I had to finally notice this for MYSELF. 

I'm sure I made quite a scene.  The poor big muscle guy next to me actually dropped what he was doing and came up to me and asked me if I was okay.  My response?  "I'm SO okay!  I am AWESOME thanks!"  He just shrugged his shoulders, and smiled and proceeded to go back to what he was doing.  I went back to doing my bicep curls.  I think I must have done about 100 of those babies, cause man do my biceps hurt today! lol

Sometimes I still feel like 360 lb Kristy.  I will go shopping for clothes and immediately go to the 5-6x section - and then the other woman will smack me upside the head and say "look it!  Smarten up will you?  You are no longer that big anymore - start thinking like the new you!" 

This will all take some time to get used to I am sure of it - but I will get there.  I have lots of time and this is no race.

I also decided last week after going to the blood donor clinic to try and taper off my Seroquel again.  This will be like the third time in trying this.  The nurse at the clinic told me that if they tried to give my blood to someone that needed it, that I could kill them if the Seroquel was still in my blood.  This factor only makes me want to try harder to get off the stuff.  I don't need it anymore.  I am strong and I can do this.  So far, I have felt pretty light headed and weird, but overall I am doing okay.  I wasn't very happy with my weight gain this week as I gained a little - 0.8 lbs only though - but I contribute that to the Seroquel tapering.  My body is trying to adjust to so much and it's probably just freaking out.

Wish me luck!  I am hoping by this time next week, that I will be almost off the stuff.

Hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Kris

Time for a Change Up??

The last couple of weeks have been a little trying emotionally for me.  Last weekend, I actually felt like quitting...I felt like throwing in the towel and saying "screw it."  My weight has stayed the same (give or take two pounds) for almost two months now. 

I'm tired...

I'm frustrated...

So I thought I would take this past week and just try and relax about my weight loss (or lack of it) and try not to even think about it.  I think I made it to Tuesday...lol  I talked with a few people from work and the gym and got some insight. 

First off...quitting is NOT an option for me.  I have come way to far to quit.  I have to change my mindset and keep focused. 

Secondly...I need to start tracking EVERYTHING.  I track what I eat and for the most part, how much.  What I have not been tracking is the amount of carbs that I've been ingesting.  I need to start counting those and keeping better track. 

Thirdly...Water...or lack of it.  Starting tomorrow - I am going to track my water intake and TRY and drink more (notice I said try).  I will make sure I am not using being too busy at work as an excuse as to why I'm not getting my water intake.

Again - I must get more sleep.  5-6 hrs a night is just not cutting it.  I know that proper sleep hygiene is VITAL to weight loss.  I've had quite a bit of stress to deal with lately - maybe it's time I make another trip to talk to Veronica my therapist.  I am considering taking up meditation...I've been going to as many yoga classes as I can and that seems to be helping.  I need to learn to BREATHE...and relax!

I am also seriously considering trying to cut gluten out of my diet.  Although I LOVE my grains (i.e. cereal and oatmeal) this is something that I would like to try.  I have a couple of friends that have celiac disease, and although they have told me that in the beginning, it was hard for them to cut out the gluten or wheat in their diet, they have definitely felt better and have had more energy.  This might be one of the things I need to do in order to kick start my weight loss again.

I am also going to change up my exericse routine.  I am going to add more cardio and cut out my cross fit classes. 

Whatever changes I need to make, I need to just do it.  After all, they say change is good right? 

Cheers to a better week ahead!

K

Fuckin Perfect??

Made a wrong turn, once or twice. 
Dug my way out, blood and fire. 
Bad decisions, that's alright. 
Welcome to my silly life. 
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood. 
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down. 
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated. 
Look, I'm still around. 

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel 
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect. 
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, 
You're fuckin' perfect to me 

You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong. 
Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead. 
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it 
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game. 
It's enough; I've done all I can think of. 
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same. 

Woah ohh, pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel 
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect. 
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, 
You're fuckin' perfect to me. 

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear. 
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer. 
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time. 
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere. 
They don't like my jeans; they don't get my hair. 
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time. 
Why do we do that? Why do I do that? 

Why do I do that? 

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby 
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel 
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect. 
Pretty,pretty please, if you ever, ever feel 
Like you're nothing, you're fuckin' perfect to me, yeahhh. 
You're perfect, you're perfect 
Ohh pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel 
Like you're nothin' you're fuckin' perfect to me.

Lyrics from the song - Fucking Perfect by P!ink

If you haven't guessed...I love this song...what I love even more are the lyrics.  The problem I have been having tho, is actually living them.  I don't ever feel perfect - I don't think any of us really do...I have had glimpses of feeling that way at one point or time in my life, but never do I consistently feel that way.

I've had an incredibly rough week - so rough in fact, that I debated on even doing my blog today...but I know that typing my thoughts down can be therapeutic...so here goes...

I'm getting really tired of my low self-esteem.  I've had it pretty much my whole life.  My therapist chalks it up to a series of events in my life that contributed to it.  I won't go into detail on here as they are pretty private and they are events  that I am trying to "let go" and forget.  I'm trying to tell myself to stop acting this way, and to just live life - and be happy - isn't that the way life is supposed to be anyways?  Self-love and happiness just seems to be so high out of reach for me right now.

I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of falling back in the "cycle" of coming home after work, eating my face off, and watching TV.  I'm afraid of being 360 lbs again.  I'm afraid.  I feel as though I'm stuck in this dark place and can't seem to get out.  

I know that I am the only one that can help myself.  I know I need to tell myself over and over and over again until I'm blue in the face that I AM WORTH IT.  I will have a few good hours of feeling pretty good, and then there I go - back into this other world - something I can't even really describe - but it makes me sad and so frustrated with myself.  

So where do I go from here?  I need to change things...a lot of things.  I need to change my attitude towards myself and take things one day at a time.  I need to breathe and make the negative thoughts go away.  I need to at least like and forgive myself.  I know I am the only person that can help me.  I know deep down in my heart that I am a really great person who has an enormous heart and am capable of giving so much.  It's time for me to believe in me.  

I'm sorry everyone - I'm sorry this post couldn't be more positive.  But this is me.  I'm being as honest and as raw as I can be.  

So starting this week.  One day at a time.  No looking into the future.  I can and will do this.  Quitting is NOT an option.  I AM WORTH IT.

Thank you everyone for listening to me this past week.  I appreciate your support and your friendship.  

Love you all,

K

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Wow...has it really been two years?  I'm still finding myself thinking about how crazy of a ride it has been...some days it just seems like yesterday that I walked through the doors at Alive Personal Training and changed my life - for the better.  I blogged about my first Anniversary in 20 Things! and am pleased with my progress that I have made over the course of this year.  I have gone through so much change physically and mentally, that I have had a few issues in keeping up with it all - but I know with some more determination, hard work and self-reliance, that I can and will reach all of my goals both physically and mentally...

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you that has taken the time to read my blog, chat with me and support me along the way...losing weight is one of the hardest things to do on earth and your friendships and support have helped me in more ways than can be said. 

As many of you know, I do have some issues when it comes to change in my life - and this year so far has proved to be one of the most challenging for me.  The biggest change was having my surgery for my lap-band, and getting used to eating less and more slowly - that is still something that I am working on and getting used to and will be for some time.  Then, Alive closed and I am now faced with a pretty big change in my exercise routine.  I know I can do it and with some adjusting and working through things on my part, I will be able to do anything I set my heart out to do.  My trainers Ben and Kendra have helped instill the "exercise bug" in me and I will not stop.  For a while I was worried I was going to give up - but every time I thought that way, I would kill it - there is no way I can even phathom the fact of giving up on exercise...  I can't wait until next year when I can look back on my pictures again and notice even more changes...

Either way, I will get there...I have my friends and I have my family...but most of all...I have myself.   I AM strong and capable of anything I set my mind out to do.


Thanks everyone! :-)

XOXO
Kris

10 Things!

Today is my Birthday...I turn 39...one more year until the big 4-0!  This coming year is going to be full of excitement, accomplishments, change and of course I'm sure there will be a disappointment here and there along the way.  But I am preparing myself the best way that I can - with that in mind, I have set up 10 goals - some personal (non scale type goals) and some physical (exercise)...

My goals before I reach the age of 40 are:

1.  I want to be able to cross my legs.  I haven't been able to do this in about 20 years.  Guess it's time I started acting like a woman...lol

2.  I want to be able to do 10 man's pushups without stopping.

3.  I would like to be in a size 18-20 - pants, size large for my tops.

4.  Speaking of sizes - how about a D cup for a bra size??

5.  As much as I HATE doing them - I want to hold a plank for two minutes.

6.  To appreciate veggies more - I got close up and personal with them for my pre op stage and actually don't mind them...I would like to try different ones tho - no more cucumber!

7.  To make myself happy...not depend on others for it.

8.  To deadlift what I used to - 265 lbs...and if I am able - higher

9.  To do three unassisted pull-ups.

10.  By my next birthday - I would like to be in the low 200's...and if possible out of the 200's all together.

So those are my 10 specific goals I would like to achieve by the time I hit 40.  I will take it day by day and know that if I work hard, I will achieve them!

On another note - my healing continues - I've been feeling great and have been getting in my exercise.  I kickboxed for 15 minutes last night - then went on the treadmill and did jogging intervals...I'm really happy about my progress.  Today I start with soft foods...this means I can have eggs!  I can't wait until I get my first fill in six weeks - then I can really get this show on the road.  I'm also losing about a pound a day and loving that - I know it will even itself out eventually, but for now I am just going to enjoy the steady loss...something I haven't been able to enjoy for ME!