Carry On...

I won't deny it.  The past couple of months have been a true eye opener for me.  I think I have learned more about myself in two months that I have for most of my life. 

I started a new medication early last month - and am very happy to report that I have been feeling a whole bunch better, and the really positive aspect is I am calmer, and am sleeping WAY better.

The downside?  I'm gaining weight.  And not just a little.  I've gained 10 pounds in one month.  Unfortunately, one of the side effects of the Celexa is weight gain. 

I can't blame the medication entirely for my gain though.  A couple of weeks ago, I took almost an entire week off from the gym.  I was having daily headaches and dizziness from my body adjusting to the Celexa.  I felt horrible and lazy and just plain gross.  Last Monday, when I finally went back, I found the class so brutal, I had to stop and take deep breaths as I tried to keep the puke down.  I just kept thinking to myself -"This time away was SO NOT WORTH IT."  So I made a vow to myself NEVER to do that again.  I made a promise to go to the gym a minimum of 4x a week and I will stick to it.

I am also not making the best of food choices.  I know I am eating WAY too many carbs.  I kind of giggled to myself when I reviewed my food journal for the past couple of weeks.  I logged EVERYTHING - which was honest of me, but wow...it sure was an eye opener.  WAY too much sugar and carbs, and the most alarming thing was the amount of sodium I was consuming. 

I've also stopped asking for support.  I haven't had my lapband filled since the end of October.  I haven't been using my band the way it is supposed to be used...as a tool.  I need to ask for help from the Dietitians in my program and use all of the resources that are available to me. 

I feel ashamed of myself that I have gained, but I must keep telling myself how far I really have come.  I have literally changed my life.  I am stronger than I have ever been and will continue on that road.

So...for this next week I will:

1.  Eat fewer carbs.
2.  Eat less sugar.
3.  Decrease my sodium intake.
4.  Call my lapband program and make an appt with one of the dietitians.
5.  Keep on the right track with my exercise program - I've planned for 4 days again, so will stick with it.
6.  STAY POSITIVE.

We all struggle sometimes.  The positive resolution to this, is to just get right back up and keep going.

And...Carry on.

Prove Them Wrong

I have to be honest here...I've been a bad blogger.  I haven't kept up to date with it - I used to blog every week, and I don't really know why I've stopped, but starting today, I'm going to really try to make the effort to blog more.  I find it therapeutic and it helps me with my weight loss efforts.

I've had a lot to think about as of late.  For a while, I couldn't get what my therapist told me out of my head the last time I saw her.  I was so angry with her.  She is supposed to be a person of trust and knowledge and support.  I felt none of that after I saw her.  I fact, I have felt the most alone in my journey than I have EVER.  Then my lap-band friend Angela sat me down and we had a good chat.  She too, was also taken aback with the therapist's comments.  We went over my food journals and had a good chat about everything.  Then she told me something that has been resonating in my head for weeks now.  "PROVE THEM WRONG."  "Prove to them Kristy that you can do this...that you have it in yourself to do this and get it done."  Thank you Angela...you have inspired me yet again to get back on track and work harder!  Your support means the world to me.

So I've done just that.  Yes it's taken me a few weeks to get over my pity party, but I'm doing it.  I lost EIGHT pounds last week alone.  How did I do this?  I went through my food journal and figured out I was eating WAY too many carbs...and I was over-eating on the weekends too.  Both of these I have managed to fix.  I have also increased my cardio and have added it into EVERY workout.  Also last week, I managed to sleep a heck of a lot better too.  I'm not quite sure how I managed that, but I did.  I also focused a lot more on saying NO to crap at work.  We had a celebration for a co-worker on Thursday and I allowed myself a piece of cake..but it was a SMALL piece.  Hey...you gotta start somewhere!

I had kind of a discouraging visit with my doctor on Wednesday.  My knees are so painful and swollen at the moment.  I asked him for a refill on my Arthrotec - to which he told me that he wanted me to cut down almost entirely on that and just take Extra Strength Tylenol!  He told me the Arthrotec could cause kidney, liver and stomach issues.  Then he told me to get a cane.  I almost laughed out loud -- thought he was kidding.  He wasn't.  He also gave me another prescription for Arthrotec - but only to be taken on my "Flare up" days...which is almost every day right now...and he also gave me and rx for a new type of ointment that is loaded with analgesics.  Then he got on me about my weight again.  I told him I was trying my best and he just told me it was EXTREMELY critical that I get this weight off.  His words have given me even more of an incentive to try harder to lose the weight and get my knees better.  I am not a surgical candidate either, so it is really time for me to buckle down and get this done.

So that is where I am at right now.  I am going to prove them (the lap band support group leaders) that I can do this MY way.  But most of all, I am going to prove it to myself that I am capable and strong enough to get this done.

That is all.  Stay tuned!

Looking Back...

Looks like my blog post this week is a wee bit late...but I had good reason!  This morning, Brian and I and our friends Sandra and Lara headed down to Bridgeland to partake in the Calgary Marathon.  Brian and Sandra participated in the Astra Zeneca 5km run and walk.  To put it mildly, they blew it away...Brian finished in under an hour - I think it was 55 mins and Sandra finished in 44 minutes.  I am so incredibly proud of both of them!  Another friend Kim, completed the half-marathon and finished in 2 hours 3 minutes...pretty great I would say...

I have spent some time looking back on my posts - I have blogged here on Blogspot for almost two years - it's hard to believe...I have blogged on and off for years - a friend reminded me yesterday that I still have a blog sitting on Live Journal - which I don't even remember the password to get into to take a look at anyways - so will have to let that go :-)  Anyway - as I was looking at some of my posts from 2009 and even a few from 2010, I can see where I have changed...one particular post Perseverance caught my eye... it was going to be the first Christmas without my Mom - and I was in a lot of pain...I still hurt from time to time and miss her and have bouts of crying spells (like the one I had today) but I seem to be managing my feelings about it a heck of a lot better.  

One word in particular to describe myself, that crosses my mind when I read back in my blog is the word "pathetic"...now, I don't mean this in a negative way towards myself...I realize now how truly lost and in pain I really was - and how I have managed to "dig and crawl" my way out of it.  I have used all the tools available to me...everything from exercise, to my therapist to prescription drugs to even out my mood.  I still remember feeling as though I was in a dark well - trying to claw my way up to the top - only to slip and fall back into the darkness.  All of this might sound dramatic, but it's true.

I am happy with how I have progressed.  I know I will have lapses from time to time...I know I will fall off my "food wagon" and be naughty with my food from time to time...but the whole point is...is that I am HUMAN.

And I am proud of myself and how far I have come.

That is all...