Inner Strength

Wow...the past couple of weeks have been a blur...  I've had so many things - and good things happen to me in such a short period of time.  Two Saturdays ago, my friend Jeanette and I went to the Y together to work out - she was interested in knowing a little more about deadlifts, and the free weights.  I was so excited and happy to show her what I have learned.  As I was showing her how to do a proper deadlift, a guy came up to us and told me that he had been watching me for the past couple of weeks and noticed that I was using great form with all my exercises.  He asked if I had trained with a personal trainer.  I told him yes and he said that it showed.  Anyway, it felt great inside knowing that someone else noticed that I take my exercise regime seriously.  It gave me that extra confidence boost!  Jeanette did a super great job with her deadlifts and I am looking forward to working out with her every other Saturday...it will be great to have a workout buddy and to have someone there to push me!

This past Tuesday, I showed up at my regular spin class.  Tammy, the instructor came up to me as I was setting up my bike before class started.  I have never really talked to her except to say hi and the odd little conversation here and there.  She came right out and told me that she has never met anyone as dedicated to my exercise and my health as me.  She told me that my "cardio endurance must be incredible" and then she told me that I was an inspiration to HER.  I was a inspiration to her??  I was speechless...I mean, I've had my other instructors and trainers say that they are proud of me and that I've done a great job, but never have I been told I'm an inspiration to them.  I've been told by my peers that I inspire them to lead a better lifestyle - but not someone of an authority type figure.  I was taken aback, and very humbled by her comment.  What a great memory to have!

I also ended this week on a really high note.  After being on Seroquel - an anti-psychotic medication that my doctor prescribed for me for my chronic insomnia issues after my mother died - for almost three years, I FINALLY weaned myself off of it entirely.  I have tried four times unsucessfully to get off the stuff and this last time, with a huge amount of patience and perseverance, I did it.  My brain is still feeling some of the aftershock type "twinges" that people can get from ceasing the drug - my doctor says it may take up to six months before it's entirely out of my system, but whatever...I've done it and won't ever be going back.  I would like to extend a HUGE thank you to all of my friends, co-workers and family - in particular my husband Brian - who have been there for me while I have been going through my withdrawl periods.  Your patience and your understanding have been incredible.  Thank you.

I had an interesting experience yesterday morning at the Y while I was working out.  I was laying on my mat in the stretching area doing my ab routine when this woman came and laid down beside me.  She immediately started talking to me.  I was polite, but basically just tuned her out.  That was until she insulted me.  She said "You know, I know of some special shakes that I can sell to people as big as you."  Now, I know what you are probably thinking...WTF!?  Seriously??!!  And I won't lie - I was furious.  But you know what I did?  I laughed at her.  I looked her straight in the eye and said "Well YOU know...there are special drugs that stupid people like you can take and there is botox and creams out there to help with your ugly, wrinkled, over-sun-baked leathery skin!"  I smiled at her again and proceeded to get up - I then told her to have a great day.  As I walked away, I looked back at her and she was still laying there with her mouth gaped open in surprise.  I'm sure she was pretty embarrassed.  I hope she was.  It was a rude, and hurtful thing to say - even if she did think she was meaning well.  The old me probably would have started yelling at her and maybe even popped her one in the mouth.  But I didn't...I walked away and laughed.  Stupid people like that are worth laughing at.  They don't deserve my time and energy.  I am proud of myself.

I am also getting closer to my 100 lb goal.  I don't want to say how many pounds I'm down now as I don't want to jinx it!  It shouldn't be long though...will keep everyone posted!

Love and hugs to all!

K

The "Other" Woman

It's been a bit of an crazy up and down two weeks.

I went to the Y this past Saturday morning to do my usual "crazy" strength training workout.  I love Saturday mornings at the Y.  Everybody there is serious and ready to really work out and train their bodies.  There is hardly any waiting for benches and everyone is courteous to everyone else.  Something happened to me yesterday.  Something I hadn't noticed before.  I was standing there, doing my bicep curls - making sure I was watching myself in the mirror - watching my form...then I did something I have never done before.  I REALLY looked at myself...and the other woman in the mirror hardly looked like me - or so I felt that way.  My jaw dropped.  I almost dropped the weights on my feet in fact lol...as I walked up closer to the mirror to get a closer look, the tears started.  I noticed my collar bones.  I noticed my neck.  I noticed that I didn't have a double chin.  I noticed my eyes.  Then I looked down and noticed the rest of my body - I had a much smaller waist and my legs had some form to them instead of my big old sausage legs. 

I have had people tell me how great I look.  They have been telling me this for a long time now.

The thing is...

Is that I had to finally notice this for MYSELF. 

I'm sure I made quite a scene.  The poor big muscle guy next to me actually dropped what he was doing and came up to me and asked me if I was okay.  My response?  "I'm SO okay!  I am AWESOME thanks!"  He just shrugged his shoulders, and smiled and proceeded to go back to what he was doing.  I went back to doing my bicep curls.  I think I must have done about 100 of those babies, cause man do my biceps hurt today! lol

Sometimes I still feel like 360 lb Kristy.  I will go shopping for clothes and immediately go to the 5-6x section - and then the other woman will smack me upside the head and say "look it!  Smarten up will you?  You are no longer that big anymore - start thinking like the new you!" 

This will all take some time to get used to I am sure of it - but I will get there.  I have lots of time and this is no race.

I also decided last week after going to the blood donor clinic to try and taper off my Seroquel again.  This will be like the third time in trying this.  The nurse at the clinic told me that if they tried to give my blood to someone that needed it, that I could kill them if the Seroquel was still in my blood.  This factor only makes me want to try harder to get off the stuff.  I don't need it anymore.  I am strong and I can do this.  So far, I have felt pretty light headed and weird, but overall I am doing okay.  I wasn't very happy with my weight gain this week as I gained a little - 0.8 lbs only though - but I contribute that to the Seroquel tapering.  My body is trying to adjust to so much and it's probably just freaking out.

Wish me luck!  I am hoping by this time next week, that I will be almost off the stuff.

Hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Kris

You've Come A Long Way Baby!

When I started this journey back almost two years ago, I came in with no expectations really...why would I?  It seemed that everything I tried - (Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, TOPS - just to name a few) I always seemed to fail at and yes, I would lose weight at first, but then become frustrated and then just give up and gain the weight back and then some.


Earlier in the week, I got to thinking how far I have come.  Those of you that know me well know that when I say "I got to thinking" you know that's not entirely a good thing.  I tend to over-analyze and over-think when it comes to my weight-loss efforts.  On Wednesday I hit a milestone.  I hit the 70 lbs mark!  I was so excited when I saw 288 lbs...I was so happy I could hardly get ready for work.  Then on the way to work I "got to thinking"... WTF?!  That's 70 lbs in TWO years...that's terrible...Kristy - U suck...


So ya...that's what I continued to do for pretty much the rest of the week - I berated myself...treated myself like dirt...you name it - I did it.


I finally "woke up" on Friday...I decided that I had had enough - enough with the negative energy and pain that I was causing myself.  So what if I lost 70 lbs in two years...so what if it's taken me longer than most people I know...so what if my knee was sore...SO WHAT!!  I have lost 70 lbs (72 as of today thank you very much) and know that I am physically and mentally stronger than I have EVER been in my life.  I was chatting with Ben on the way home from my workout on Friday evening and he helped me (special mention also goes to Holly who has also taken the time and compassion to discuss this with me) - to realize my accomplishments OTHER than the scale - I have specified some of them in my blog post 20 things! but now what I really need to do is read each and every one of them again and live them.  My health overall is SO much better than it used to be.  My blood pressure is nice and low and I'm almost off my Seroquel entirely.  My clothes are so loose on me it's almost to point of ridiculous...there are so many other accomplishments I have made OTHER than the stupid scale and I must keep remembering that.  The scale does not define who I am or who I will become.


I also realized something just a few minutes ago...I only have 28 pounds more to go until I reach the 100 lb mark...100 lbs off my body - 100lbs off my joints...I know I set a goal of that as stated in  First Fill and a NSV!  but have now decided that I don't care how long it takes me...I will take as long as I need to do accomplish this goal - NO PRESSURE!


I have come a long way since I walked through the doors at ALIVE...I've gone from a sad, 358 lb woman with absolutely no self-esteem to who I am today - I'm now 286 lbs, and I'm strong and determined to reach my goals no matter how long it takes me...there is no time limit to life...I am lucky...I'm lucky to have the life and the friends and family that I have.


One day at a time...one inch, one step, one accomplishment at a time...

Goodbye Negative Thoughts!

This blog entry has taken me about 90 mins just to figure out what I want to type.  I've got so much "stuff" in my head that I want to say, but it's mostly in fragments.  I apologize in advance if it's all over the place!


Well - I'm happy to say I have "recovered" from last week's post.  Work has seemed to get a bit better, along with other aspects in my life.  I did stress about a few stupid things, but quickly caught myself and put a stop to it.  One thing I've been noticing and it's quite obvious to me is, while my body is losing weight, and feeling good, my brain has not quite caught up with it.  I keep getting this negative voice in my head that keeps telling me I'm not worth it, I'm gross, and I'm useless - now I know this is entirely not true - I know in my heart that being hard on myself like this is not going to help my weight loss...but I keep doing it.  I've been working with Veronica (my therapist) for quite a while on this - about six months in fact and the "homework" she had me do this past month, was to "confront" this negative voice - to actually talk to it OUTLOUD and tell it it had no business being in my head and talking to me that way - and I had to do this whenever and wherever the thought would come up.  I'm smiling right now as I type because I'm remembering me sitting on the bus and heading to work and this happening - and the looks that I got...oh well - whatever - at least I fit in with the rest of them!  Anybody that rides Calgary Transit knows what I am talking about!


This week had me thinking a lot about how I even began my lap-band journey.  I think about that evening last June when we got home from the gym and finding that letter from the Weight Management Program - I remember reading through it, rolling my eyes and throwing it in the garbage!  Then I remember telling Ben about it and him encouraging me to "go for it" and that this could only help me along my weight loss journey.  Ultimately yes, it was my decision to make and I thought long and hard about it and I'm so glad I decided to do it. I've also been thinking about a couple of my physical "breakthroughs" last summer.  I started tapering down on this drug called Seroquel that I was on to help me relax and sleep.  I was on as much as 150 mgs of the stuff - while I was going through withdrawl all summer long as I was tapering off  the stuff, I would come to my workouts either dizzy, nauseated, or having the shakes - and the most amazing thing was that Ben did not lose patience with me - I don't think there are many (if any) personal trainers out there that would take the time to be patient when it comes to stuff like this.  Whenever I would feel like giving up, he was there to guide me back on track - to help me see the bigger picture.  Both he and Holly have been very important in my life - by both going above and beyond to help me stay focused to reach my goal.  Kendra has also helped me a great deal - at the start of the summer last year, she had me kickboxing up and down the parking lot at ALIVE.  She pushed me beyond what I thought in my head that I was capable of.  She helped me to believe that I can do anything I set my heart out to do - and finish it.  


So, I know that with more determination, self-reliance and strength inside and out, I will be able to reach my goals that I set out for myself back on my birthday in February.  The only person I am up against is ME.  I am going keep challenging my negative thoughts and quash them.  I will not let them control me...anymore.


I am in the driver's seat.