Control

I'm a control freak. 

Since the begining of time, I've always felt the need for control in my life...and to control others. 

This something I would like to change,and I know it will be a long process for me. 

I seem to fixate on others actions (or in a lot of instances - inactions) instead of concentrating on what I need to do.

The gym right now is crazy busy...packed with all the usual "Resolutioners."  Last week I went and did some cardio on my own - as I was spining away on the spin bike, I had a nice full view of the gym floor - and watched all the newbies in action.  I giggled to myself as I watched this younger, slim cute blonde girl do tricep extensions with a five pound weight.  A FIVE POUND WEIGHT.  I even went as far as to record a video of her on my phone.  When I got home, I showed my husband Brian and laughed again.  Except...he wasn't laughing.  He just looked at me and said "Maybe that's all she could do."  "At least she showed up and worked out the best she could." 

I've talked to a couple other people about it and they pretty much said the same thing to me.

Have I really become that kind of person??  I've had a few days to think about it and feel really badly with how I have acted.  I feel like I need to control other people.  I feel like I sometimes even compare myself with others instead of just concentrating on myself and controlling MY actions.

Starting today, I will be a kinder, more understanding person.  I want to be a role model to people that are just starting out on this kind of a journey.  I have been where these people are right now...I know what it's like to walk into a gym all by myself starting out and be scared shitless...

I will be a more supportive, encouraging friend.

I hope I never have to feel this way again. 

That is all.

Another week down...

I enjoyed this past week...

And then the weekend came.

For some stupid/strange reason, I don't like the weekends.  The weekends are supposed to give me all the time in the world to myself - to relax and rejuvenate and get rid of the stress from the week.

But for me - it's the total opposite.

Call me crazy, but I enjoy my work week and the whole routine it brings to my life.  It feels structured, and I feel in control.  On the weekends, I find I think too much...and I don't feel in control of myself.  Eventually this will all catch up with me I'm sure - eventually I will have to relax and have some fun. 

Anyway...on to the important stuff!

I went to my lap-band support group meeting on Wednesday - that was probably the highlight of my week.  I really enjoy seeing all of my fellow lap banders and see how each and every one of them is doing.  I was really happy to see my friend Ginny who had recently been in the hospital - and was really happy to see that she was doing better.  I also learned more about my band and how it works - there were details about it that I didn't even know about - I knew I had to eat slowly with it, but didn't realize just HOW slowly I am supposed to be eating.  All along, I have been eating WAY more quickly than I should be.  I took into consideration everything that was shown to me and am proud to say I have not had anything stuck since Wednesday!  I am finding now that I have had a recent fill also, that I am eating less.  I also stay fuller longer, and that's a good thing.

I went back to yoga tonight too.  I haven't been in a couple of weeks and was really missing it.  I love my yoga class on Sundays.  It gives me the opportunity to unwind and relax.  Most of all tho - I don't have to think about anything! 

I worked out five times this week - and am proud of that.  The Crossfit classes with Kendra were particularly brutal with Thursday's class being the hardest.  It was an hour full of exercises that worked on all the small core muscles and such.  Each exercise, we did 100 reps worth!  By the end of the class, I was dizzy and felt like throwing up.  Needless to say - the pain in my abs finally went away this morning.  Must have been a good workout!

I hope everyone has a great week...

Cheers!

K

Moving Forward!

Wow...what a week...and I made it! 

I'm also happy to say I've been feeling more like my "old" self again, and when I mean "old" I don't mean my age.  I am starting to feel like I am in more control of my emotions and actions and more in control of my life.  For the past few months, I really haven't been putting forth as much effort towards myself as I would have wanted.  I let my emotions get to me.  I lost sight of why I am really doing this journey in the first place.  Yes, I want to be healthy...yes I want to be happy...but most of all, I want to be in control.  I want to be able to decline the piece of cake at work and be okay with it.  I want to be strong and capable of anything I set my mind to.  I know I have all those attributes I just listed - I'm just having "issues" putting them into play.

Monday I tried out a new bootcamp.  My friend Jacquie found a deal off of Living Social - 20 fitness classes for 20 bucks.  Jacquie was gracious enough and gave me her other passes that she had.  The Bootcamp is called FitBody.  The look on my face must have been priceless when I walked into the place and was watching the current class...the first thing I saw they were doing were bearcrawls - I immediately started panicking a little inside.  I had done bearcrawls with Ben at Alive - and hated them.  We met the instructor Chris and he told us what the class would consist of - then Jacquie blurted out that I wanted to do bearcrawls! lol...so yeah you guessed it...we did bearcrawls, and tractor pulls and side planks, and shoulder presses, just to name a few...the class kind of reminded me of Damir's bootcamp classes...lots of body weight drills and you feel like you just walked out of a torture chamber...lol  The thing I loved most about the class, was that I was able to do just about everything I was asked to do and I did them well.  I killed it on the bearcrawls too - and yes...I actually really liked them!

I woked up on Tuesday with pain in my lats like I have NEVER had before...and I was excited.  I always love it when my muscles hurt as I know I have worked hard.  I did Kendra's bootcamp class that evening and we did a tonne of TRX drills...my lats have never had it so good! lol

Wednesday I went and saw my doctor about my knees.  He gave me a requisition for another x-ray as he thinks the osteo has made more degeneration in my knees since my last x-ray a year ago.  Depending on what the x-rays show, the next step would be cortisone injections.  I think I would rather have Synvisc injections, but I will see what happens.  He also wants to get an MRI done too.  That will be up to a year wait to get that done...should be fun!

Thursday I did Kendra's class again...only three of us showed up, so we were at her mercy...we did tons of pilates drills, using our small core muscles and such.  We also did lots of shoulder work...must be why my shoulders are still sore three days later!  Good on ya Kendra!

Yesterday, Damir's Saturday morning kickboxing class started up again.  I was excited as my Saturdays used to be dedicated to classes of some sort...He put me with a great partner (Jessica) and it was not only a great workout, but I laughed and had fun...it's been such a long time since I've had fun like that in a Saturday class...I can't wait for next Saturday!

And today...I am very happy to say...I finally joined the Shawnessy YMCA!!  Brian and I went together - I started off on the bike - did 20 mins on that, and then we proceeded to work out together.  I also got myself acquainted with some of the weight machines and Brian helped me out to get me to feel more comfortable using them.  I've been so used to having Ben guide me and show me how to do everything, and for the first time on my own today, I think I did pretty damn good!  I am also really looking forward to doing their classes too!  Who wouldn't love to walk or run on a treadmill and watch a movie through their I-pod or whatnot?  lol...my experience there was very positive and I'm really looking forward to going back and getting back on track.  The front desk girls name was Samantha too!  I cracked a grin when she told me what her name was.  That was awesome.

So there's my week in a nutshell...I'm still loving my new job and am damn good at it.  I am starting to really love my new routine and I know that in only a short time, the weight will start to melt off again. 

I'm excited...bring it on!

Change is a Comin!

It's been a busy week - full of ups and downs...but it's been a good week.  On Monday, I had my last training session with Ben.  We had a great session outside - and it was one of my most favorite sessions too...we did a variety of drills from medicine ball throws, to small runs up and down a hill, to some ab work.  While I do feel sad about not training with him anymore, I know that I CAN do this on my own - he has given me all the tools necessary for me to move forward and do it on my own - and that is exciting for me.  He has been such a positive impact on my life and I'm not even close to the person I was two years ago - both physically and mentally.  Thank you Ben!

I have decided to join the Y.M.C.A. in Shawnessy.  I went there with Ben last Friday and he showed me around - I think it's a place where I will feel comfortable - and there are classes that are included in my membership.  I think it will be a place where I can start to make those "connections" again. They also have this self-tracking system called FitLinxx that I can use to track my progress - it's like having my own little personal trainer in a way.  I can access it through my computer and see my progress too.  I will be buying my membership August 1st, and am looking forward to it!

I had a great time in bootcamp this week too.  I had a bit of a NSV (Non-Scale victory) on Thursday.  Kendra had a bunch of stations set up for the circuit and one of the stations was a jump rope one.  I thought to myself - there is no way I can skip - my knees won't be able to handle it...ANY kind of jumping would be out of the question.  So, at the start, I just modified it so I wasn't using the jump-rope, and was mimicking the movement of it all.  The second time we did it, I decided to just try it - so I grabbed the rope, and just started skipping....ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR - and I just kept going - until I hit 24 reps and that's when my feet wouldn't go anymore.  I was shocked...I hadn't skipped rope since I was in elementary school!  I still have the look on Kendra's face in my head.  She was helping somone with another exercise and when she turned around and realized it was ME that was jumping rope, she was excited...while my knees have been paying for it the past couple of days, I am very proud of myself that I did it.  My body is slowly starting to do things I never thought I could do - and that makes me happy...

I had my third fill for my lap-band on Friday.  I saw a different surgeon and we both agreed that I needed a larger fill than normal.  I have been able to eat pretty much whatever I want -  including bread - which is not a good thing as bread is my kryptonite...he gave me a full cc in my band and I am now up to 3.8 cc's.  I have felt the restriction the past couple of days and I am hoping that this will kick start my weight loss once again. 

I also found out on Friday, that I will officially be starting my new job back at the DSC on August 2nd.  I am looking forward to working with some great people again, and am looking forward to the challenge.  It is going to be such a positive experience for me and I am excited to start!

I want to feel more in control - in every aspect of my life.  There is a lot of change coming my way - and I am a bit scared and nervous...but I know if I just push myself outside my comfort zone, and work hard to get where I want to be, I know I can do it.  While I know I don't have to like change, it is inevitable - and how I deal with it is what matters. 

Have a great week everyone!

Letting Go...

I went to yoga class a couple of weeks ago and there was a cushion on one of the couches...on it was this phrase:


"In the end what matters most is
How well did you live
How well did you love
How well did you learn to let go"


Now - I really love this phrase...I love the whole thing - but what I love the most is the last line.  Speaking for myself, I can truly say THAT is the hardest thing for me to do...I have issues letting go of aspects in my life that don't matter.  And if I can be blunt, I think a huge majority of the population has that issue too.  


For some people, letting go can be as simple as not getting choked when someone butts in front of you in line at Tim Hortons...or getting over a stupid argument with a friend or a family member.  


For me?  Letting go is a heck of a lot more.  It covers such a broad spectrum in my life.  I hold on to things and then explode when it all comes to a head.  This is not such a good thing for someone that is trying to lose as much weight as I have to - and to keep my blood pressure down.  When I hold onto my negative feelings, my anxiety builds up, I lose control and I have an actual anxiety attack.  This hasn't happened for quite a while now, which is fantastic, considering I was having them at least once a week a year and a half ago.  Instead of the anxiety attacks though, I've been feeling anger and resentment - towards myself - which in turn creates anger towards family and friends.  For instance...Brian was eating supper the other night - and was smacking his lips louder than I thought he should be...lol  Yeah I know - how trivial...but it drove me INSANE...I just kept looking at him and telling him to stop it!  I kept telling him it was driving me crazy...Instead of saying that to him, I could have just let it go and ignored it, or politely could have asked him to stop eating that way.   Letting go for me also means giving up control over aspects in my life that I have absolutely no control over - I ruminate about stupid shit that I can't control, or I will let other people's actions bother me.  Control...it's such a strong word for me...I tell myself a lot: "Can I control this?"  the answer usually ends up being no - so I tell myself to Let it go - Kristy - you gotta let it go.  


Letting go for me is also breaking down the barriers that have held me back for so long.  By this I mean dismissing my negative feelings about myself or by trying something new either with my food or my exercise routine.  I remember a training session I had about a month ago with Ben and the first drill he had me do was somersaults...I remember looking at him and laughing out loud - "You really want me to do somersaults?!"  was my reply after watching him do one himself.  I remember thinking - I failed these in gym class in grade eight!  After I stopped laughing, I did one...then did another one right near the end of the session...and you know what?  It wasn't that bad!  


I think if we all "Let Go" in our own ways, the world would be a much happier place!  


Ok - recap from last week...my obsession with my scale, I am happy to say, has become less dramatic...  I have met my goal of weighing myself once per day - instead of 2-3 times a day.  It was a little hard, but I did it.  My goal for next week will be to weigh myself every other day.  I can and will do it.


I did gain one pound this week though.  I contribute it to stress and not documenting my food.  Oh ya...and Easter...lol  One very important lesson I have learned this week is that there are certain foods that just slip right down past my band - and then I don't feel full.  Some of my food choices have not been the greatest...but I now know where I went wrong, and won't do it again.  Also, while the scale may not be reflecting a huge loss, I am losing in inches...everywhere.  My clothes are fitting looser again and it's got me excited.  So, this one pound is not going to get me down...I'm am just going to let that go!  I have every reason to be proud of myself.  I'm 65 pounds down from when I started my weight loss journey and 38 pounds down since my pre-op weight.  My endurance is way up again also - I thought I would have lost it all during my pre/post op periods from my surgery, but I am happy that I have regained that.  I managed to work out every day last week and on Friday - trained with Ben in the morning and then participated in Damir's bootcamp class in the evening.  Yeah I know...two workouts in a day?  It might be a bit excessive for some people, but for me, it's a huge accomplishment.  I'm proud of myself.  I don't say that enough.


How are YOU letting go?

My Obsession...The Scale...

Some people have obsessions...some obsess about food, others their hair or make up or what they will wear when they leave the house in the morning.

I have a different obsession...

My scale...

Ya I know - You are probably thinking...so what?  I obsess about my weight all the time!

But I seem to have taken it to an entirely new level in obsessiveness...

Almost two years ago, my therapist diagnosed me with an Adjustment Disorder with anxiety - which means, that I sometimes have a hard time adjusting to change - and I obsess and have some anxiety...most of this can be contributed to the sudden death of my mother and how I have dealt with it.  I have had some pretty huge changes in my life the past few months - from getting myself prepared for my lap-band surgery, to actually having it and adjusting for the first week post op - to losing the gym I belonged to and "safe haven" last month due to flooding.  

The result of this?  Weighing myself...and sometimes twice a day...

Now, I know this is totally self-defeating for me...and will hurt me in the long run - so why do I do it?!  I've thought about it for a while, and have come to this conclusion:  

It makes me feel good - it soothes my anxiety I am feeling at the time...it also helps to "keep me on track."  I want to be able to reach my weight loss goals...and feel if I don't keep on track ALL the time with my weight, I will lose track and then lose control.

Whatever my reasons for doing this, I know it's not healthy what I am doing, and I will be heading into self-destruct mode if I continue.  

So...my plan for myself this week:  I will do this in baby steps...I will only weigh myself ONCE a day...then slowly taper it off until I am only weighing myself once a week - the NORMAL way of doing it!  

I hope everyone has a great week!