As Good As It Gets??

For the past three days I've been trying to figure out what to post.  I've been in kind of a bad place as of late.  I've allowed some negative feelings to get the best of me and I haven't made the greatest of food choices.  I have even decreased my exercise the past couple of weeks.

It all kind of came to a head this past Tuesday morning when I saw the psychologist in my lap band program.  I have been seeing her monthly for follow up visits and to just touch base with how everything has been going for me.  I told her that I was feeling very frustrated with how I was feeling - that I felt like I wasnt making any progress.  She then said something that has been resonating in my head over and over... "Kristy - you must start to accept your body just the way it is now."  "You really won't be losing much more and you need to accept that." 

Uhhhh...pardon me...but WTF?!?!?!  Accept my body the way it is???  The last I checked, I still have 110lbs to lose.  I'm sorry, but no - I can't accept that. 

And that's just what I told her.  I will not and won't accept that.  I spent 20+ years saying that to myself - lying to myself and telling myself that it was okay to be as fat as I was.  That's how I got up to 360 lbs...that's NOT okay.  Her response to all of that was, that she was discharging me from her care and that she felt I didn't need her - that I could do the rest of it without her. 

Do the rest without HER???  I wanted to tell her to get over herself - but I all I could manage to mumble was thank you and goodbye. 

So ya.  I've been angry and hurt and then angry some more.  Angry that she told me this and angry that she's probably telling other people in my group the same thing. 

I also saw my new doctor about a week ago for my physical.  He said I was in terrific shape for someone my age.  He was pleased with my BP (although it was up a little bit - I contribute it to the fact that he's really nice to look at and he made me nervous) and my cholesterol and blood sugar were all normal...my ECG was normal and everything else...everything else BUT...

Ya you guessed it...my weight.  He was different from all of the other doctors that have discussed the weight issue with me tho.  He was patient but was very frank with me.  We talked about how my knees have been in the worst shape of my life the past month.  My good knee now clicks and cracks and is swollen.  I can no longer do squats or lunges.  In fact, two weeks ago at the gym, I had to take the elevator instead of the stairs up to the weight room floor.  I was mortified and embarrassed with myself.  I just couldn't get my knees to even bend in the manner you need to get up a simple flight of stairs....so, I took most of last week off and tried to rest them the best I could.  I went back today to do my cardio, and I could get up the stairs, although slowly. 

Anyway - back to my doctor's appt.  He told me if I didn't lose the weight, I probably wouldn't be able to walk by the time I reach 45.  All the meds in the world couldn't help - I need to get this weight off.  I wholeheartedly agreed with him.  I know I need to do this...get the weight off to help my knees.

So I guess the major point of my post was to get some stuff off my chest.  I WILL continue on this journey of weight loss and I will NOT accept the way things are. 

So this week my goals are:

1.  NO WHEAT!
2.  Exercise every day but Wednesday.
3.  NO cheating at work.
4.  Be nice to my knees :-)
5.  Stay FOCUSED

It's gonna be a good week...See??  I knew that posting this blog tonight would make me feel better!

Cheers!

Kris

Letting Go...

I went to yoga class a couple of weeks ago and there was a cushion on one of the couches...on it was this phrase:


"In the end what matters most is
How well did you live
How well did you love
How well did you learn to let go"


Now - I really love this phrase...I love the whole thing - but what I love the most is the last line.  Speaking for myself, I can truly say THAT is the hardest thing for me to do...I have issues letting go of aspects in my life that don't matter.  And if I can be blunt, I think a huge majority of the population has that issue too.  


For some people, letting go can be as simple as not getting choked when someone butts in front of you in line at Tim Hortons...or getting over a stupid argument with a friend or a family member.  


For me?  Letting go is a heck of a lot more.  It covers such a broad spectrum in my life.  I hold on to things and then explode when it all comes to a head.  This is not such a good thing for someone that is trying to lose as much weight as I have to - and to keep my blood pressure down.  When I hold onto my negative feelings, my anxiety builds up, I lose control and I have an actual anxiety attack.  This hasn't happened for quite a while now, which is fantastic, considering I was having them at least once a week a year and a half ago.  Instead of the anxiety attacks though, I've been feeling anger and resentment - towards myself - which in turn creates anger towards family and friends.  For instance...Brian was eating supper the other night - and was smacking his lips louder than I thought he should be...lol  Yeah I know - how trivial...but it drove me INSANE...I just kept looking at him and telling him to stop it!  I kept telling him it was driving me crazy...Instead of saying that to him, I could have just let it go and ignored it, or politely could have asked him to stop eating that way.   Letting go for me also means giving up control over aspects in my life that I have absolutely no control over - I ruminate about stupid shit that I can't control, or I will let other people's actions bother me.  Control...it's such a strong word for me...I tell myself a lot: "Can I control this?"  the answer usually ends up being no - so I tell myself to Let it go - Kristy - you gotta let it go.  


Letting go for me is also breaking down the barriers that have held me back for so long.  By this I mean dismissing my negative feelings about myself or by trying something new either with my food or my exercise routine.  I remember a training session I had about a month ago with Ben and the first drill he had me do was somersaults...I remember looking at him and laughing out loud - "You really want me to do somersaults?!"  was my reply after watching him do one himself.  I remember thinking - I failed these in gym class in grade eight!  After I stopped laughing, I did one...then did another one right near the end of the session...and you know what?  It wasn't that bad!  


I think if we all "Let Go" in our own ways, the world would be a much happier place!  


Ok - recap from last week...my obsession with my scale, I am happy to say, has become less dramatic...  I have met my goal of weighing myself once per day - instead of 2-3 times a day.  It was a little hard, but I did it.  My goal for next week will be to weigh myself every other day.  I can and will do it.


I did gain one pound this week though.  I contribute it to stress and not documenting my food.  Oh ya...and Easter...lol  One very important lesson I have learned this week is that there are certain foods that just slip right down past my band - and then I don't feel full.  Some of my food choices have not been the greatest...but I now know where I went wrong, and won't do it again.  Also, while the scale may not be reflecting a huge loss, I am losing in inches...everywhere.  My clothes are fitting looser again and it's got me excited.  So, this one pound is not going to get me down...I'm am just going to let that go!  I have every reason to be proud of myself.  I'm 65 pounds down from when I started my weight loss journey and 38 pounds down since my pre-op weight.  My endurance is way up again also - I thought I would have lost it all during my pre/post op periods from my surgery, but I am happy that I have regained that.  I managed to work out every day last week and on Friday - trained with Ben in the morning and then participated in Damir's bootcamp class in the evening.  Yeah I know...two workouts in a day?  It might be a bit excessive for some people, but for me, it's a huge accomplishment.  I'm proud of myself.  I don't say that enough.


How are YOU letting go?