Commitment

com·mit·ment  [kuh-mit-muhnt]


–noun


1. the act of committing.


2. the state of being committed.


3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.

What exactly is commitment??  When I read through these three definitions, I stop at number 2 and giggle...number one seems pretty close to the way I see it, but number three is where I would truly like to be.  I know that in order for my weight loss journey to be successful, I must commit to myself a whole lot more.  Back in January when I started my pre op diet I was hugely commited to myself...in the past week, not so much.  I found myself making some wrong food choices, and my exercise was WAY down.  This was the first time in almost two years that I actually didn't feel like working out.  I started off the week with an awesome hot yoga class - for those of you that have never tried hot yoga before, I would definitely encourage you to try it.  I must warn everyone tho - you will sweat like you have never sweat before...it didn't just drip out of me...it POURED and ROLLED out of me...lol  At first, I was really nervous - worried I wouldn't be able to stay in the room for more than 5 minutes...but once the class started, I was commited.  It ended up being their hardest class too - but my friend Randi and I did it!  It was also great for my joints - I was shocked by the amount that I could do - I could move the way I wanted without limits and pain.  It was just a great experience for me overall - something I will definitely try again.  I did Kendra's bootcamps also, but the rest of the time I just didn't do anything...it felt weird and I didn't like it. 

This was the first week ever that I felt as though I was failing at this...by saying this, I mean this whole journey that I have been working hard on.  I feel lost...and I feel alone.  I know that nobody can lose this weight for me and I know that nobody else can make me happy but me.  Every week lately seems like a broken record...same things going through my head...then me telling myself that I must make that commitment to myself and start doing this for me.  I am afraid at failing and letting myself down...undoing all of my hard work.  I just keep telling myself if I could just get a hold on my "head stuff" that I'm golden...I've got this...

Starting right now - I am going to make a commitment to myself.  I will no longer make shitty food choices...I will figure out what I need to do to get in some form of activity every day.  Even if it is just going out for a walk in the evening...I will commit to stop the negative self talk and worrying about failing all the time.  Everyone has a "blip" in their journey and I am finally figuring out that this is my "blip." 

What are you doing to stay commited to yourself?  Are you commited enough to want to succeed?  How badly do you want this?  Are you willing to do anything to reach your goals?  These are all the questions I am asking myself once again...I DO want this...I AM commited and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get my weight loss on the move again.

And lastly..."Don't think about it...DO it."  Something that my trainer Ben has told me over and over and over...

So this week...I'm gonna DO it!

Fuckin Perfect??

Made a wrong turn, once or twice. 
Dug my way out, blood and fire. 
Bad decisions, that's alright. 
Welcome to my silly life. 
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood. 
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down. 
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated. 
Look, I'm still around. 

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel 
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect. 
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, 
You're fuckin' perfect to me 

You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong. 
Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead. 
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it 
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game. 
It's enough; I've done all I can think of. 
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same. 

Woah ohh, pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel 
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect. 
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, 
You're fuckin' perfect to me. 

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear. 
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer. 
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time. 
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere. 
They don't like my jeans; they don't get my hair. 
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time. 
Why do we do that? Why do I do that? 

Why do I do that? 

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby 
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel 
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect. 
Pretty,pretty please, if you ever, ever feel 
Like you're nothing, you're fuckin' perfect to me, yeahhh. 
You're perfect, you're perfect 
Ohh pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel 
Like you're nothin' you're fuckin' perfect to me.

Lyrics from the song - Fucking Perfect by P!ink

If you haven't guessed...I love this song...what I love even more are the lyrics.  The problem I have been having tho, is actually living them.  I don't ever feel perfect - I don't think any of us really do...I have had glimpses of feeling that way at one point or time in my life, but never do I consistently feel that way.

I've had an incredibly rough week - so rough in fact, that I debated on even doing my blog today...but I know that typing my thoughts down can be therapeutic...so here goes...

I'm getting really tired of my low self-esteem.  I've had it pretty much my whole life.  My therapist chalks it up to a series of events in my life that contributed to it.  I won't go into detail on here as they are pretty private and they are events  that I am trying to "let go" and forget.  I'm trying to tell myself to stop acting this way, and to just live life - and be happy - isn't that the way life is supposed to be anyways?  Self-love and happiness just seems to be so high out of reach for me right now.

I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of falling back in the "cycle" of coming home after work, eating my face off, and watching TV.  I'm afraid of being 360 lbs again.  I'm afraid.  I feel as though I'm stuck in this dark place and can't seem to get out.  

I know that I am the only one that can help myself.  I know I need to tell myself over and over and over again until I'm blue in the face that I AM WORTH IT.  I will have a few good hours of feeling pretty good, and then there I go - back into this other world - something I can't even really describe - but it makes me sad and so frustrated with myself.  

So where do I go from here?  I need to change things...a lot of things.  I need to change my attitude towards myself and take things one day at a time.  I need to breathe and make the negative thoughts go away.  I need to at least like and forgive myself.  I know I am the only person that can help me.  I know deep down in my heart that I am a really great person who has an enormous heart and am capable of giving so much.  It's time for me to believe in me.  

I'm sorry everyone - I'm sorry this post couldn't be more positive.  But this is me.  I'm being as honest and as raw as I can be.  

So starting this week.  One day at a time.  No looking into the future.  I can and will do this.  Quitting is NOT an option.  I AM WORTH IT.

Thank you everyone for listening to me this past week.  I appreciate your support and your friendship.  

Love you all,

K