It's Time

It's late November...and the Christmas season is almost upon us.

Every Christmas since my mom passed away has been a hard time for me.  I won't lie - I've been a miserable, negative person to be around.  For the past four Christmas's I have had a hard time being cheery and just haven't been in the mood to celebrate the Christmas spirit.

This year seems different.

I woke up one morning last weekend and just decided that enough was enough.  Yes, I miss my mom terribly at this time of year, but really...it is time to move on.  It's time to be happy and make the most of this season.  We haven't even had a tree the past four years because I just felt too sad to even look at one.

Today when we went grocery shopping, I walked myself over to the seasonal department at the WalMart and picked out a wreath that I am proud of putting on our door.  Next week - I am planning on picking out a tree! 

I am proud of myself - to come this far.  I will never forget my mom - especially at this time of year, but I know in my heart, I have finally accepted the fact she is no longer here and I am okay with it. 

Now...an update on my band...I saw my dietician a couple of weeks ago.  She and I went through my food journals with a fine tooth comb, and while yes, I have a day here and a day there where I went off plan, there is no solid reason as to why I have gained the amount of weight I have.  She suggested I see a specialist in Internal Medicine to see if there is another reason behind it.  She also suggested I see my surgeon - which I have. He thinks I MAY have a small slip in my band - and set up an Upper GI for December 5th.  If this is the case, I will need the band removed. 

I've also been doing an awesome boxing class for the past couple of months.  My friend Angela and I have been doing it together!  We both keep each other motivated each class - in fact, we are the only beginners left in the class since the beginning - I am so proud of us!

The last time I saw my doctor, he began to get on me about my weight.  I told him I was frustrated and that I would start seeing my dietician on a regular basis - that I am taking responsibility for my gain, but there is another reason behind it too.  As I was leaving the exam room, he shook my hand and looked at me and said "Please don't give up."  I looked at him in surprise and said "No, I won't give up - I have come WAY too far to give up."

That is all.

"Shake It Out!"

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn


And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn


And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah


Throughout my blog, I use music and the lyrics from some of my favourite songs to get my feelings across.  This song in particular, I really relate to.  I've had to "Shake out" some of my regrets and anxiety - and still am.  I think we all do to a point.  Each and every one of us has done something in our pasts that have somehow affected our future.  I will ALWAYS take responsibility for how I got obese.  I was in a horrible relationship that was abusive in every way.  I let it control me and I turned to food when I was sad or upset.  I still do that from time to time, but it no longer rules me.  The next step for me now is to shake out this anxiety I've had ever since my Mom died.  In two days it will be three years that she has been gone - I have not felt great this week and I'm pretty sure that is why.  Of course I miss her - more than words can say - I wish she was here with us - and she is in her own way.  Grief is a pretty remarkable thing.  One minute I feel so strong, that I feel I can conquer anything...then the next moment, I'm crying in my bed in the fetal position.  I know that in time, the anxiety will shake itself out and I will start to feel better again - it has already started.


I love you Mamma....Hope Heaven is treating you well... XOXOXOXOXO


I had a pretty good week with my fitness and nutrition.  On Tuesday, I was already down eight pounds - almost lost all of the water-weight!  By my weigh-in day on Friday, I had lost a total of seven pounds.  Seven pounds in one week!  Heck yes...I will take it and RUN!!  I worked out hard again - only took Wednesday off because of my lap-band meeting.  The only thing that lacked a bit was my strength training.  I will go hard on Wednesday evening :-)
It is freakin cold here today too - and it is not supposed to let up until Friday.  All week long it is supposed to only be a high of minus 20 for each day pretty much.  As much as I know this is Calgary, and this is the way it is...it still sucks.  It will be nice when a chinook rolls around by Friday. 


Stay warm (or cool if you live in a warm climate) and have a good week everyone!

Hanging in There!

This blog update will be fairly short, as there is not much different to report from last week. 

The temptations at work are now free-flowing...and I have decided to just give in to it.  This by no means, means that I am giving up and it's a free for all...just that I will not continue to berrate myself whenever I put a chocolate or anything bad into my mouth.  I did that on Wednesday, and paid for it.  What's done is done and time to move on.

Wanna know something though?  I still managed to lose 0.3 lbs!  Yes I maintained - and I will take it!

On Wednesday, we had our montly lap-band support group meeting and our Christmas potluck.  It was great to get together with everyone and the food was awesome.

It's been a bit of a crazy and emotional time for me as of late.  Christmas time always brings out the emotional side of me.  It's the time of year when I REALLY miss my Mom.  I think what I am missing the most is the times when I was younger.  I miss the times sitting by the fireplace, listening to Christmas Carols or whatever she decided to play...I miss her cabbage rolls...I miss her laugh.

I miss her.

I hope everyone has a really great Christmas filled with family, laughter and love.

Cheers!

K

Why I do What I do...

I've had lots of comments from people in the last while stating that they are proud of me...that they are "in awe" by the amount of exercise that I do...that "I am an inspiration" to them.  While these comments always leave a lasting impression on me, and keep me going, there is a real reason behind what and why I do it.

I started this journey over two years ago because I lost my Mom.  My sisters and I found her body in her bed in her home one Saturday night in January 2009.  This is a day I will never forget.  She lost her battle with alcoholism and rheumatoid arthritis.  My Mom battled each day with dignity and courage, but her body just couldn't fight anymore. 

I was 360 lbs then.  Plain and simple - I don't want to end up like my Mom.  I don't want to go back to the 360lb Kristy.  She is gone.  She served her purpose - whatever that was, but she is now a blip in the past.  My Mom is what keeps me going.  Her strength within in me is what has been pushing me to work harder.  She has been the reason for me not giving up when I've wanted to - on numerous occasions I may add.  I've been having a lot of conversations with her lately - I know she can hear me...I can hear her saying "Keep pushing Kris - don't give up"  "Get a grip!"  "Smarten up!" 

Thank you for being an inspriation to me Mom...I love you and I will never give up!

Oh do I miss her...

So...my week...has been a bit of a struggle...Monday and Tuesday were great - my workouts were really great.  I am really beginning to love my spin classes tho!  On Wednesday my friend Randi and I went to the YMCA and she and I did my new workout!  She and I did everything from lat pull downs, to seated rows, to leg presses and bicep curls.  She did such a great job and I am so proud of her.  I have to admit, I was kind of happy that she was sore the next day...is that wrong??  lol...  Thursday I took a long walk through my neighborhood - I am glad the weather is still holding out so that we can still do that.  Friday I went back to the YMCA...and kicked my own ass.  I got my leg presses up to 160 lbs and my shoulder presses up to 30 lbs.  I am still feeling a bit of the effects from it today!  I decided to take yesterday and today off from exercise as my body has decided to rebel.  When I woke up on Saturday, I could barely get out of bed - I actually thought I had a flu bug, so went back to sleep.  By the time mid-day approached, it was very apparent that I was just exhausted from everything - I've been going through some more stress lately and the stress mixed with the hard exercise made my body to just basically give out.  I am glad to say I am feeling a bit better tonight.

I hope everyone has a great week!  Push yourselves and don't give up!

Cheers!

K

Looking Back...

Looks like my blog post this week is a wee bit late...but I had good reason!  This morning, Brian and I and our friends Sandra and Lara headed down to Bridgeland to partake in the Calgary Marathon.  Brian and Sandra participated in the Astra Zeneca 5km run and walk.  To put it mildly, they blew it away...Brian finished in under an hour - I think it was 55 mins and Sandra finished in 44 minutes.  I am so incredibly proud of both of them!  Another friend Kim, completed the half-marathon and finished in 2 hours 3 minutes...pretty great I would say...

I have spent some time looking back on my posts - I have blogged here on Blogspot for almost two years - it's hard to believe...I have blogged on and off for years - a friend reminded me yesterday that I still have a blog sitting on Live Journal - which I don't even remember the password to get into to take a look at anyways - so will have to let that go :-)  Anyway - as I was looking at some of my posts from 2009 and even a few from 2010, I can see where I have changed...one particular post Perseverance caught my eye... it was going to be the first Christmas without my Mom - and I was in a lot of pain...I still hurt from time to time and miss her and have bouts of crying spells (like the one I had today) but I seem to be managing my feelings about it a heck of a lot better.  

One word in particular to describe myself, that crosses my mind when I read back in my blog is the word "pathetic"...now, I don't mean this in a negative way towards myself...I realize now how truly lost and in pain I really was - and how I have managed to "dig and crawl" my way out of it.  I have used all the tools available to me...everything from exercise, to my therapist to prescription drugs to even out my mood.  I still remember feeling as though I was in a dark well - trying to claw my way up to the top - only to slip and fall back into the darkness.  All of this might sound dramatic, but it's true.

I am happy with how I have progressed.  I know I will have lapses from time to time...I know I will fall off my "food wagon" and be naughty with my food from time to time...but the whole point is...is that I am HUMAN.

And I am proud of myself and how far I have come.

That is all...