Reset, Recharge, Re-Commit!

The title says it all.

It's been a roller coaster of a ride the last few months.  I haven't been feeling great, both physically and emotionally.  I've been gaining weight and not feeling good about myself. 

I was in denial.  Up until about three weeks ago.

When I got out of bed on a Monday morning, my knees gave out on me.  I literally had to crawl to the bathroom.  I think this was my "bottoming out point."  As I sat on the floor in my bathroom, bawling my eyes out, all I could think of was how could I have let myself get this way again?  Why won't my knees work?  Oh ya that's right...you fat piece of Sh$t...you did it again - you were given this opportunity and have screwed it all up and gained all the weight back that you lost.

This was not the truth.  I knew deep down inside I hadn't gained all the weight back.  I knew I had gained some, but refused to get back on the scale.  I was fed up with myself.

But I continued to eat crap for the next three days.

Then I did something.

I reached out.  I reached out for help.  As soon as I got to work that day I called my lapband psychologist. I was lucky to get in to see her the following Monday. 

The appointment went as well as can be expected.  She listened to me as I poured out my fears and anger to her.  Anger at myself, and fear about a loved one.  I told her I was ashamed of myself and how I let things get out of control.  She encouraged me to keep going and to start thinking of myself again.  She also encouraged me to book an appointment with one of the dieticians and for a fill.

I left her office feeling calmer - which was good.  I hadn't felt calm in about four months, so this was progress.

I saw the dietcian the next week.  I told her I had gained some weight and that I needed to go over my food logs and get back on track.  She agreed.  When the end of the appointment was nearing, I asked her - "Don't you want to weigh me?"  She didn't think it was necessary and thought it would upset me.  I told her I wanted to be held accountable for my gain - so I stepped on the scale.

I had gained 40 lbs.  Exactly.

I turned to her and told her that no, I wasn't happy, but that it was time for me to move forward.  No more looking back.  From now on, I was going to be honest with myself, log all my food and keep my exercise up.  She liked my plan.

So did I.

I talked to a few other lapbanders online and they encouraged me to start the 5 day pouch test.  It was to help me get back on track and start using my band the way it's supposed to - like a tool. 

At the end of the pouch test, I lost 11 lbs!  I felt great of what I had accomplished. 

But most of all...I felt in control again.

I also saw my surgeon on Friday for a fill - while he seemed a bit disappointed with my gain - he was happy to see that I was using all of the resources made available to me to be successful.

I am so fortunate to have the support I do have.  I just needed to reach out for help.  I'm not really sure why I didn't earlier - I think I was just comfortable lying to myself and trying to stay oblivious to what was happening.

I'm now down a total for the week of 12 lbs.  I am so happy with myself - proud of myself.  I'm also excited that my dietician "hooked me up" with another member in the Weight Management Program.  It's awesome that we can draw support from each other, and I'm looking forward to getting to know her more.

A big thank you to my lapband team, my fellow lapbanders and lapbanders to be!  Without you, I would probably still be sitting on my couch, too ashamed to reach out for help.

And have made a new committment to myself to NEVER go down this path again.  I will reach out for help when I need it and use my band - my tool - the way it's supposed to be! 

Carry On...

I won't deny it.  The past couple of months have been a true eye opener for me.  I think I have learned more about myself in two months that I have for most of my life. 

I started a new medication early last month - and am very happy to report that I have been feeling a whole bunch better, and the really positive aspect is I am calmer, and am sleeping WAY better.

The downside?  I'm gaining weight.  And not just a little.  I've gained 10 pounds in one month.  Unfortunately, one of the side effects of the Celexa is weight gain. 

I can't blame the medication entirely for my gain though.  A couple of weeks ago, I took almost an entire week off from the gym.  I was having daily headaches and dizziness from my body adjusting to the Celexa.  I felt horrible and lazy and just plain gross.  Last Monday, when I finally went back, I found the class so brutal, I had to stop and take deep breaths as I tried to keep the puke down.  I just kept thinking to myself -"This time away was SO NOT WORTH IT."  So I made a vow to myself NEVER to do that again.  I made a promise to go to the gym a minimum of 4x a week and I will stick to it.

I am also not making the best of food choices.  I know I am eating WAY too many carbs.  I kind of giggled to myself when I reviewed my food journal for the past couple of weeks.  I logged EVERYTHING - which was honest of me, but wow...it sure was an eye opener.  WAY too much sugar and carbs, and the most alarming thing was the amount of sodium I was consuming. 

I've also stopped asking for support.  I haven't had my lapband filled since the end of October.  I haven't been using my band the way it is supposed to be used...as a tool.  I need to ask for help from the Dietitians in my program and use all of the resources that are available to me. 

I feel ashamed of myself that I have gained, but I must keep telling myself how far I really have come.  I have literally changed my life.  I am stronger than I have ever been and will continue on that road.

So...for this next week I will:

1.  Eat fewer carbs.
2.  Eat less sugar.
3.  Decrease my sodium intake.
4.  Call my lapband program and make an appt with one of the dietitians.
5.  Keep on the right track with my exercise program - I've planned for 4 days again, so will stick with it.
6.  STAY POSITIVE.

We all struggle sometimes.  The positive resolution to this, is to just get right back up and keep going.

And...Carry on.

I'm Still Here

I guess it's been a while since I was here last. 

Things have been interesting to say the least. 

I went back to my doctor this past week for the third time - I just have not been feeling like myself at all lately.  I was nervous about talking to him - I know, it sounds silly, but seeing as I don't know him that well, I felt weird.  He actually sat down and we had a good 20 min conversation about everything that was going on with me.  His opinion?  He thinks I may have S.A.D.- or Seasonal Affective Disorder.  My vitamin D levels that he checked a few months ago were quite low, so he said that may explain a few things too.  He was also a bit leaning towards the depression/anxiety side - and gave me a prescription for Celexa and made me promise to follow up with him in a month. 

I also took the liberty of booking an appointment with a therapist.  Again.  I guess it's time!

I will work through this.  I will combat it and will not let it consume me. 

On the great side, I've amped up my exercise - which always helps make me feel better.  It's my natural tranquilizer.  Whenever I am feeling rough, all I need to do is hop on a spin bike and I feel relief. 

I also celebrated my 41st Birthday a couple of weeks ago.  It was an awesome evening.  It was wonderful to see everyone too.  I wore a dress that my friend Angela gave me - a year ago.  She gave it to me as she had lost so much weight, she was too tiny for it!  She gave it to me one evening after we had a workout together and told me I would fit into it soon.  Not believing her (or myself for that matter) I just put it in my closet and there it sat for over a year.  I decided to take it out a month ago...I put it on and low and behold...it fit!  I fit into a size 18 dress!  It wasn't that long ago, I was wearing a size 28!  It felt great!

It was a fun evening...and went on the rest of the week! 

Cheers to better days ahead!

K

Struggling

It's back.

My insomnia is back.

It's been back since the second last week in January, and frankly...it's driving me CRAZY.

I went to my doctor about it after two days in a row of basically no sleep. I asked him to let me go back on the Seroquel - even if it was just a really low dose.

He said absolutely not.

Then he wrote me a prescription for Immovane (to use only in emergencies) and sent me on my way.  He told me all I needed was to get my sleep cycle back in sync. 

That was just over two weeks ago.  Yes, it has gotten better marginally...but last night, I went back to a sleepless night after a stressful time at work yesterday.

Why do I do this to myself?!  I know better than to bring work home with me! 

On the upside, at least I am mostly keeping up with my exercise program - going to the gym four times a week. My nutrition is lacking though.  I'm starting to emotionally eat again and that's not good.

I know better.

I  WILL get back on track.  I WILL NOT let the anxiety consume me like it did a few years back.  I am bigger than it, and I know only I can control how I act and feel.

I just need to have patience with myself...yes...patience.

I can do this.

Control

I'm a control freak. 

Since the begining of time, I've always felt the need for control in my life...and to control others. 

This something I would like to change,and I know it will be a long process for me. 

I seem to fixate on others actions (or in a lot of instances - inactions) instead of concentrating on what I need to do.

The gym right now is crazy busy...packed with all the usual "Resolutioners."  Last week I went and did some cardio on my own - as I was spining away on the spin bike, I had a nice full view of the gym floor - and watched all the newbies in action.  I giggled to myself as I watched this younger, slim cute blonde girl do tricep extensions with a five pound weight.  A FIVE POUND WEIGHT.  I even went as far as to record a video of her on my phone.  When I got home, I showed my husband Brian and laughed again.  Except...he wasn't laughing.  He just looked at me and said "Maybe that's all she could do."  "At least she showed up and worked out the best she could." 

I've talked to a couple other people about it and they pretty much said the same thing to me.

Have I really become that kind of person??  I've had a few days to think about it and feel really badly with how I have acted.  I feel like I need to control other people.  I feel like I sometimes even compare myself with others instead of just concentrating on myself and controlling MY actions.

Starting today, I will be a kinder, more understanding person.  I want to be a role model to people that are just starting out on this kind of a journey.  I have been where these people are right now...I know what it's like to walk into a gym all by myself starting out and be scared shitless...

I will be a more supportive, encouraging friend.

I hope I never have to feel this way again. 

That is all.

The dress

I've been kickin' butt lately.  I feel good.  I feel happy.  For the most part I'm in control of my eating habits - I've fallen a little bit off the "Christmas Treats at Work" wagon, but I'm refusing to beat myself up about it.  I've done it...I've indulged a bit here and there, but it's time to move on.

I've lost quite a bit of weight in the last month.  I won't go into details about how much, but enough where I am noticing it again.  We had our company Christmas Party a couple of weekends ago and Brian insisted I buy a new dress for it.  So off I went to Penningtons grudgingly.  Brian's friend Monique joined us and she helped me pick out my dress.  I remember looking at it on the hanger and hating it at first.  Monique just told me to try it on anyway so I did.  I remember looking at myself in the mirror with it on and thinking:  "Hey...I look pretty good!"  Then a complete stranger walked up to me and told me she hoped that I would buy that dress because it looked amazing on me. 

She had me at that.  I walked back into the change room, looked at myself again and broke down.  These were happy tears this time.  I kept thinking to myself "I'm back!  I'm back on track! And DAMN!!  I look wicked!"  Then I said the same thing out loud to myself. 

I have never done that before.

Here are a couple of pictures of me in my new dress.  I love the way I feel and look in it.

 

 



 

Ben also came to town last week - it was awesome to see him and to catch up.  He told me that I looked the best I have ever looked since I met him and Holly...coming from him, that means a lot.  We had a great workout and it was just the "recharge" that I needed.

Sometimes, all it takes is being gentle with yourself and giving yourself credit.  I know I don't give myself enough credit, and this is going to stop. 

I am one amazing, strong and competent chick...and nothing is going to stop me!

Merry Christmas everyone! 

Cheers!

K

Peanut Butter

The title says it all...

I have a huge addiction to peanut butter.  There I said it.  I think admitting it is the first step to recovery right? 

I think my addiction has gotten a little out of control though.  You see, I don't just have a taste - I go big or go home.  I always make sure I pack it in my lunch when I'm getting ready for work in the morning - and have realized something.  I've been lying to myself.  Sure, I fill my little rubbermaid 3 ounce container and keep telling myself it only equals two tablespoons.

WRONG!!!!

It finally occurred to me to actually measure it properly, and it comes out to about 4 tablespoons...about 400-500 extra calories a day. 

So I have since then made a promise to myself.  That I am going to slowly wean myself off the stuff.  I really shouldn't have it in my house...period.  The next couple of weeks, I am really going to give it an honest try and eat less and less of it until I don't need it anymore.  I'm going to check out this new stuff called PB2 - that lots of people are raving about.

I think I am also emotionally attached to the stuff.  I know...it sounds totally silly and ridiculous, but it's true.  I remember when I was in Kingergarten and Grade one - coming home at lunchtime on cold days and my Mom welcoming me home with a nice peanut butter sandwich - and hot chocolate of course :-)  I loved it.  I think a lot about my Mom when I eat peanut butter - we always had it in the house when we were growing up.  If Mom wasn't making me a sandwich, Dad was and it was always with lots of honey too! 

Somehow...I need to get over this emotional attachment.  It's going to take some time and lots of patience on my part, but I will get through it.

I've also lost 15.5 lbs in 4 weeks!  I'm so happy about it.  I've worked really hard and really focused myself.  I'm still having a few issues with hypoglycemia, but am really working hard to try and take regular breaks at work.  My body is still adjusting to the drop in calories.

I got up to 224 lbs on my deadlifts too!  I'm pretty stoked about it and am looking forward to going heavier in the next few weeks.  Thanks to Patrick and Brian for supporting me through it.  Patrick, you are amazing!  Thanks!

 

Bring on the next four weeks!!