Something has "Clicked" with me

Something has clicked with me...something has finally clicked in my brain.  The past couple of weeks I have really gotten serious...I've eaten clean, cut out MOST sugar, and really gotten serious about my exercise program....and I've lost six pounds.  I have even had some temptations along the way too, and have managed to stay clear of them.  I feel more sure of myself and more confident.  I have also been tracking EVERYTHING I put in my mouth - I've been using www.myfitnesspal.com - it's such a super great food and exercise tracking application.  The food database has EVERY kind of food in it.  It's amazing and I would recommend it to everyone!

I am a sugar addict.  Plain and simple.  We had a chance to talk about sugar addiction in my lap-band support group class on Wednesday.  Sugar addiction is like what an alcoholic goes through with alcohol.  If they are given just a little bit of alcohol, they will end up binging.  Give a sugar addict even as little as a jelly bean, and they will binge.  I tested out that theory on Friday.  I have picked Friday as my day to eat a little bit out of my rigid schedule.  I ate two jelly beans - and immediately wanted more.  I think I ended up having a handful - and by the end of it, was broken out in such a sugar rush sweat, I could hardly handle it.  Lesson learned...I just can't have sugar around - I binge.  It's a work in progress, but I've done so more more better than I ever have.  Eventually I hope to WILL beat it!

Something else great happened to me this week.  While I was going through some old clothes and putting them in bags ready to get rid of, I came across a pair of jeans that I used to wear when I was 360 lbs.  They were a size 32 and I though I would try them on...just to be sure they still didn't fit.  Yeah right...they HUNG on me...they were MASSIVE!  I asked Brian to take a picture of me - I wanted to see it for myself.  I was laughing when I looked down at myself.  Then I looked at the picture - and bawled my eyes out.  There was this other person looking back at me - I hardly recognized myself.  For the first time since I started this journey of mine, I can really and honestly say I am proud of myself and have really noticed my hard work.  I have decided to keep this pair of jeans and bring them out when I am ever feeling frustrated with my progress.  Get a load of the pic!

I also found out on Tuesday that I got my job permanently.  I am now a permanent employee at the DSC!  I have looked forward to that day for the past seven months...I am happy and I am content...and that's what matters.

I also saw Joanne (my lap-band psychologist) on Friday.  I am making HUGE progress when it comes to my way of thinking, my attitudes toward food, and letting go of the past and staying in the present.  She has been a great resource to me and I am VERY grateful for her. 

Looking forward to more positive experiences this week!  Have a great week everyone!

My Birthday and Psychologist Visit

I had a really great Birthday this year for my 40th.  It was an opportunity to get the people that I love the most together...there were some people there whom I hadn't seen in a few years and it was really nice to see them.  One of my best friends Heather and her family and my friend Carrie from my CGIT years were there - SO wonderful to see them!  I hope this means we will be seeing more of each other.

When I look back at my pictures from my birthday three years ago - before I started my journey, I am amazed at how far I have come.  I am VERY proud and very happy with my progress so far - the pic below is from my Birthday in 2009:

And here is my pic from last weekend:

Not only have I lost weight, but I have gained strength, and self-confidence.  I think I look younger in the most recent picture too, which is kinda cool. 

All in all...it was a pretty good day and evening all around.

So...onto other things...for the past couple of weeks, I have been slipping a bit.  While my exercise regime has been pretty good - other than my shitty knees giving me problems from time to time - the "mental" aspect hasn't entirely been there for me.  I've gotten into the pattern of negative self talk from time to time and thought it was best to "nip it in the bud" per say, so I booked an appointment with the Psychologist in my Lap-Band Program.  Her name is Joanne and she's incredible.  In my 50 minute appointment with her, she knew more about me than I could imagine.  I talked to her about all of my stresses, and my self-doubts.  She's a tough cookie - and that's exactly what I needed.  We set up a plan for me to work on some of my issues and she even had me write down everything that we had talked about in the session.  As my "homework assignment" she told me to remember to bring the card back with me to my next appointment and go through each of the points I had written down on the card with her.  When I walked out of her office, I felt like I finally had some control back.  It felt great.

I see her again in two weeks and am looking forward to it!

Attitude

I've been wanting to blog about this topic for quite some time, but haven't really been in the right frame of mind...but now I seem to be.

As most of you know - I am a Tim Horton's fan.  I love their coffee - it's like crack for me and also since my sister Kathy is a District Manager, I go there frequently.  I go there faithfully on the weekends right before my workouts to get my caffeine fix on.  Ever since I have been going there - and even before I'm sure - there has been this woman that frequents there.  Ok...I know you're thinking...so what??  So a woman frequents Tim Hortons?  Well, this woman - or her actions I should say, have made me think.

This woman is morbidly obese.  She probably weighs about 550 lbs.  She gets around in a scooter and in order to even stand, she has to hold onto something.  She orders about five to six things off the menu and they aren't healthy items.  She has to wear 100% oxygen in order to breathe. 

The first time I saw her, I immediately felt sorry for her.  I felt bad because she obviously hadn't hit "that point" in her life where she had had enough of her body...enough of her limitations...enough of feeling the eyes of people like me on her - ridiculing her. 

But then she opened her mouth and spoke.

She snapped her fingers at the Tim Horton's staff...bellowing out to them to "hurry up" with her order.  She was demanding, impatient and plain out RUDE.  Every time I see her, she's got something nasty to say to someone.  I now just try to avoid looking at her not because of her body, but because of the way she portrays herself. 

Attitude has such a huge impact on anybody, no matter what size you are, but it also comes into play when it comes to weight loss.  If you go about your journey with a piss poor attitude, you are destined to fail.  Sure, there are times where I have felt frustrated with myself and I've wanted to give up.  But each time, I got back up and said "OK let's get this done"  "I'm gonna finish this."  A bad attitude can have an impact as to if you lose or gain that week.  Feeling negative causes stress, which in return causes weight gain. 

So I guess what I am trying to get across is just to have a good attitude.  It will help you in the long run!

Now...on to other things...

I FINALLY got my hair dyed on Saturday.  I had big white stripe down the middle of my scalp from all the grey coming in.  My hairdresser Helen did it for free for my birthday.  She is awesome.  Here is a pic of the finished product!

It's knd of funny, becaue I took a picture of myself right after I left the salon.  It wasn't nearly as good as this one. 

I'm also looking forward to this week.  It's my birthday week!  In just FIVE days I'm going to be 40!  I'm feeling so excited to be turning 40.  I have accomplished so much and I feel great!  I have so much to be thankful for.  There is a big party planned for me on Saturday and I'm so excited to see everyone.  I will be sure to get lots of pictures of the event and post them here

Have a super great week everyone!  And remember...attitude is key!

Happy Bandiversary to Me!!

Wow - can't believe it's already been a year since I've been banded.  It just feels like it was just yesterday, that I was sitting at the Peter Lougheed Hospital's Day Surgery Department, waiting to have my surgery.  I remember that day being very long.  Dr. Church was two hours behind, as he had an emergency appendectomy.  It was all worth the wait though, and then some.  

While I have learned a great deal about myself this past year, I have also learned a great deal about other people - I realized who was my real support and who wasn't.  While it was quite hurtful for me to realize this, I am glad I did.  I am so fortunate to have the friends and family that DO support me and want me to succeed.   

To date, just this year alone, I have lost 58 lbs.  This surpasses the expectations of my dietitians and surgeons who want us (in our Calgary Lap Band Group anyway ) to lose 52 pounds - which is the average of about 1-2 pounds a week.  But for me, the weight loss isn't as important as the awareness of proper eating that I have gained.  I now realize how important it is to chew my food slowly...to rest for at least a minute in between bites...to savour my food.  I have finally considered food as my "fuel" instead of just eating for the hell of it.  I would be lying if I said I ate well 100% of the time.  I don't.  But I don't eat nearly as much as I used to when I weighed 360 pounds - I'm not even close to it. 

I've also found a new love for cardio and I use my spin classes for that.  Because of my arthritic knees, I am unable to jog or even walk quickly now on the treadmill.  Spin class satisfies me.  It's great on my knees, and I get a great calorie burn.  My instructor Jill is phenomenal, and is so motivating.  In a nutshell, I love it.

I am so glad I made the decision to get the band.  There is never a day that goes by that I regret it.  While I realize the surgery isn't for everyone, it was for me. 

I also just realized something.  I need to update some photos...those are coming soon - hopefully next week!

Have a super great week everyone!

Countdown!

It is hard to believe...in just 34 days I will turn 40. 

I do not feel 34 days away from being 40.  I was looking at my blog post: 10 Things! and I had to smile.  On my 39th Birthday last year, I posted 10 specific goals that I wanted to achieve before I turned 40.  I am happy to report I have achieved FIVE of them!  One of them I achieved just this past Monday.  In my Monday Turn and Burn class, I did 10 mens pushups without stopping.  Sure, I squeeked the last one out, but I did it.  I DID IT!!! 

There are a couple of goals on there that I wish I had achieved, but I am okay with it.  I need to shed a few more pounds before I can really get down and get into doing it again - those are my deadlifts.  I miss doing them - but I want to make sure I am careful - and only do them when I have a spotter.  I did do them just over a month ago and got up to 200lbs.  Slow and steady they say!  The other one was the unassisted pull-ups, but considering they are one of the hardest upper body exercises around,  I figure I need to shed more weight off this currentlly 270 body of mine. 

Speakingn of that - I am now TWELVE pounds away from being 100 lbs down.  While I would like to be down 100 lbs by my birthday, I know in my heart, I have won.  I am winning this battle with myself.  My clothes are fitting looser again, and I am feeling the best that I have in ages.  I am finally feeling strong and sure of myself - that in itself is more than losing 100 lbs to me. 

So the countdown is on...the countdown until I turn 40.  If I hit my 100lbs down by then...AWESOME!!  If I do not...that is okay.  In my heart, I have already done it.  A number does not define me.

Cheers to a great week everyone!

"Shake It Out!"

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn


And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn


And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah


Throughout my blog, I use music and the lyrics from some of my favourite songs to get my feelings across.  This song in particular, I really relate to.  I've had to "Shake out" some of my regrets and anxiety - and still am.  I think we all do to a point.  Each and every one of us has done something in our pasts that have somehow affected our future.  I will ALWAYS take responsibility for how I got obese.  I was in a horrible relationship that was abusive in every way.  I let it control me and I turned to food when I was sad or upset.  I still do that from time to time, but it no longer rules me.  The next step for me now is to shake out this anxiety I've had ever since my Mom died.  In two days it will be three years that she has been gone - I have not felt great this week and I'm pretty sure that is why.  Of course I miss her - more than words can say - I wish she was here with us - and she is in her own way.  Grief is a pretty remarkable thing.  One minute I feel so strong, that I feel I can conquer anything...then the next moment, I'm crying in my bed in the fetal position.  I know that in time, the anxiety will shake itself out and I will start to feel better again - it has already started.


I love you Mamma....Hope Heaven is treating you well... XOXOXOXOXO


I had a pretty good week with my fitness and nutrition.  On Tuesday, I was already down eight pounds - almost lost all of the water-weight!  By my weigh-in day on Friday, I had lost a total of seven pounds.  Seven pounds in one week!  Heck yes...I will take it and RUN!!  I worked out hard again - only took Wednesday off because of my lap-band meeting.  The only thing that lacked a bit was my strength training.  I will go hard on Wednesday evening :-)
It is freakin cold here today too - and it is not supposed to let up until Friday.  All week long it is supposed to only be a high of minus 20 for each day pretty much.  As much as I know this is Calgary, and this is the way it is...it still sucks.  It will be nice when a chinook rolls around by Friday. 


Stay warm (or cool if you live in a warm climate) and have a good week everyone!

Sodium is EVIL

I've had a pretty nice week off!  I got to spend some time with friends whom I don't get a lot of time to see due to different schedules...Brian and I got to see a couple of movies, and I spent twice a day at the gym.  I really enjoyed the daytime classes - they were different and just what my body needed.


I stepped on the scale this morning, and lo and behold...I GAINED NINE POUNDS.  My first reaction was to weigh myself again...and again and again...how could this be??!  I exercised like a fiend, and ate within my calories - I only went outside my calories on one day.  So...when I started to look through my food log I noticed one glaring aspect.  My sodium intake was through the roof!  The human body should only be consuming no more than 2300mg of sodium per day.  I was doubling that.  I did eat out quite often, and while I thought it was great that I was staying within my calorie range, the amount of sodium was incredible. 


So, needless to say, I am glad that I am going  back to work tomorrow and will be back to my normal routine - which will consist of ZERO times eating out.  I will be back to my regular foods and my regular schedule.


I did have a NSV of sorts this week though.  After one of my classes on Friday, a fellow class participant who I rarely talk to came up to me and told me that she can tell that I've lost weight since I've been coming to the YMCA.  Needless to say, I was kind of taken aback, but did tell her that she made my day.  To have basically a stranger come up and tell me that speaks volumes and makes me feel like I want to keep going and keep focused!


Here's hoping next week's weigh in will be a positive experience!