Yeah...you read that correctly...Stress...
It's been that kind of a week unfortunately - it seemed every aspect of my life just wasn't working with me...was it the fact that I thought IT wasn't working with ME or the fact that I completely obsessed about shit that was out of my control?
Perhaps the latter is true - for anyone that knows me, knows that I think too much about stupid crap - and worry and obsess about aspects in my life that I feel I should have control over - I know in my mind that I need to quit it and just let it go - but still... I keep doing it...and I keep beating myself up and being hard on myself because I can't let it go.
And - I've had some physical manifestations because of this...all week long, I've had headaches...I never get headaches...if I end up getting one, there's usually a reason. My back and my neck are sore from being crouched over at my desk all week at work...I'm physically and mentally exhausted...and I'm very irritable. The scale has also not moved - a sure sign of my body's response to stress. But I think the most concerning thing to me is how my lap-band has been behaving all throughout this. I woke up on Wednesday morning (I had had the day from hell on Tuesday at work) and it felt like I could hardly breathe. I tried to get some breakfast in, but that came up...I thought I would give it a couple of hours and try again - and my snack came up...so I just left it...by mid afternoon, I could get some coffee in and something soft.
Funny thing is - is I was warned about this - I was told by my surgeon, my dietician, and my fellow bandits that this would probably happen - but for some silly reason, I didn't think it would. I figured I would deal with it and move on...I did deal with each situation as it came, but I didn't move on...I need to learn to deal with the stress in my life - deal with it and then MOVE ON.
So for this week - I will not stress about aspects in my life that I have no control over. I will not hold it all inside and obsess about it only to errupt later in a big pile of emotional goo...if I want to go anywhere on this weight loss journey, I must learn to deal with my stress in a more constructive manner. I will start that off with yoga this afternoon - we do a tonne of meditation in my class, so that will be both beneficial and relaxing for me.
Stress for anyone sucks...plain and simple. It's how you DEAL with it and MOVE ON that matters.
Hope everyone has a stressLESS week!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
My Comfort Zone
The title for my blog this week is appropriate for me as I find I have become almost addicted to routine and find it hard to go outside my comfort zone. Monday started out great - work was stable, and I headed to a new temporary gym for my workout with Ben. On Tuesday I went back to the same place and did a great workout on the treadmill - did some jogging intervals too, which I hardly ever do - it was nice to push myself - I haven't been doing that enough lately.
On Tuesday, I went for my first dietician visit with Wania (pronounced Vonia). She was impressed with my determination and drive...she told me in the five years that she has been in the Weight Management Program she has never seen anyone as determined and driven when it comes to my eating habits and especially my exercise program. Then she asked me something that is still resonating in my head... "Kristy - what do you do for FUN?" I just looked at her blankly...I said "I have fun...I go to the gym...I go to movies." We continued to go through my menu plan with a fine toothed comb - she got to the end of it and looked up at me... "Kristy - I want you to pick a day out of the whole week and eat whatever you want." I looked at her - she was staring at me - almost seemed like she was glaring - then it came... the tears...again...it seems that I've been doing that a lot lately and at the stupidest things..."But Wania - I can't do that...I just can't...THAT'S how I got so huge in the first place...please don't ask me to do that." By the end of the conversation we settled on a small dark chocolate bar - I just wanted her to stop asking me! The best part came at the end of my appointment...she weighed me and I was down to 290lbs!! I am now down 37.5 lbs since my pre-op weight of 327.9 lbs...I've almost hit 40lbs since January 20th...can't wait to hit that - I'm hoping this week I do.
Wednesday I did Damir's kickboxing class and LOVED it...it was great to get back into it - and it felt great to get a wicked sweat on. I slept like a baby that night...lol
Thursday wasn't so great...I got word from Ben that things didn't work out with the temporary gym we were using - but he was on the hunt for a new place. So after work I went to the Canyon Meadows Fitness Centre...it felt weird to go to a different place after all the time that I have spent at ALIVE - but I wanted to make sure I kept up my exercise routine...so I went on the treadmill for a while and did some weights - it wasn't the same, but I did it...and by myself! I left feeling okay - but proud of myself because I had gone out of my comfort zone - something I rarely do. By the time I got home, I had found out from Ben that he had secured a new temporary gym called U-Thrive - downtown and fairly close to the ALIVE location. I was relieved...and excited about my workout for the next day...
Friday was great - one of the best days out of the week for sure - work was great and then followed up by a great workout - it felt like old times...like time had stood still...the next day I participated in Ben's Bootcamp and that was awesome too - it was great to see a few of the other members from ALIVE and catch up a bit! I also saw my doctor yesterday and he checked my blood pressure - for those of you that don't know - I've struggled a bit in terms of that - had borderline hypertension with a BP of 140/96 a year or so ago - it's now down to 120/70!! He told me that I no longer have to get it checked...as long as I'm keeping up with my exercise and weight loss.
I'm looking forward to this week ahead...I want to be 40 lbs down by the end of it...I want to go hard in the gym and try to go outside my comfort zone...
We'll see...
On Tuesday, I went for my first dietician visit with Wania (pronounced Vonia). She was impressed with my determination and drive...she told me in the five years that she has been in the Weight Management Program she has never seen anyone as determined and driven when it comes to my eating habits and especially my exercise program. Then she asked me something that is still resonating in my head... "Kristy - what do you do for FUN?" I just looked at her blankly...I said "I have fun...I go to the gym...I go to movies." We continued to go through my menu plan with a fine toothed comb - she got to the end of it and looked up at me... "Kristy - I want you to pick a day out of the whole week and eat whatever you want." I looked at her - she was staring at me - almost seemed like she was glaring - then it came... the tears...again...it seems that I've been doing that a lot lately and at the stupidest things..."But Wania - I can't do that...I just can't...THAT'S how I got so huge in the first place...please don't ask me to do that." By the end of the conversation we settled on a small dark chocolate bar - I just wanted her to stop asking me! The best part came at the end of my appointment...she weighed me and I was down to 290lbs!! I am now down 37.5 lbs since my pre-op weight of 327.9 lbs...I've almost hit 40lbs since January 20th...can't wait to hit that - I'm hoping this week I do.
Wednesday I did Damir's kickboxing class and LOVED it...it was great to get back into it - and it felt great to get a wicked sweat on. I slept like a baby that night...lol
Thursday wasn't so great...I got word from Ben that things didn't work out with the temporary gym we were using - but he was on the hunt for a new place. So after work I went to the Canyon Meadows Fitness Centre...it felt weird to go to a different place after all the time that I have spent at ALIVE - but I wanted to make sure I kept up my exercise routine...so I went on the treadmill for a while and did some weights - it wasn't the same, but I did it...and by myself! I left feeling okay - but proud of myself because I had gone out of my comfort zone - something I rarely do. By the time I got home, I had found out from Ben that he had secured a new temporary gym called U-Thrive - downtown and fairly close to the ALIVE location. I was relieved...and excited about my workout for the next day...
Friday was great - one of the best days out of the week for sure - work was great and then followed up by a great workout - it felt like old times...like time had stood still...the next day I participated in Ben's Bootcamp and that was awesome too - it was great to see a few of the other members from ALIVE and catch up a bit! I also saw my doctor yesterday and he checked my blood pressure - for those of you that don't know - I've struggled a bit in terms of that - had borderline hypertension with a BP of 140/96 a year or so ago - it's now down to 120/70!! He told me that I no longer have to get it checked...as long as I'm keeping up with my exercise and weight loss.
I'm looking forward to this week ahead...I want to be 40 lbs down by the end of it...I want to go hard in the gym and try to go outside my comfort zone...
We'll see...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A Bump in the Road...
I was so excited when this week started...it was the week I was seeing my surgeon for my post op visit and to hopefully get the green light to go ahead and start working out again. On Tuesday evening however, Brian and I received a call from Brian's trainer Damir saying that Alive - the gym that Brian and I have been going to for almost two years was flooding - there was a pipe that burst on the floors up above and it completely flooded the gym. Then they discovered black mold - the building was condemned and the gym shut down by Thursday evening. At first when I received the news, I was sad...I actually felt like a close friend had died...this was the "place" I had been going to for almost two years - the "place" where I could work off my stress from the day and feel better about myself...then I realized - the only aspect that was lost here was the "PLACE" - the physical building may be gone, but the close-knit family-type of community still exists...Friday evening when I walked into Results Fitness - (the gym that has graciously allowed us to use their gym while we find a new home) the first person I saw was Kendra and Lara - I immediately ran to them and we all hugged...I saw Kate and she showed me where everything was...and then saw Damir - and instantly felt a lot better.
So you see...Alive to me is WAY more than just a physical building - it's a family - a close one too. Ben and Holly have done such a wonderful job in creating a gym where everyone is very close-knit and supportive of each other. Two years ago you would have NEVER seen me in a gym - I hated everything that exercise stood for -and Alive has cured me of that. I still have quite a ways to go in terms of my weight-loss, but I will get there...for me - it's not all about the weight loss either - it's about my stress levels and happiness and Alive has helped me with that too. Plans are in the works already for a new gym and I'm excited for Ben and Holly. They deserve nothing but the best - and the best is yet to come!
Speaking of my weight-loss - today I weigh 291.1. lbs - the total loss for me this week has been FOUR pounds...for a total loss of 37 lbs since my pre op diet began on Janaury 20th - and a total loss of 13 pounds since my surgery on February 11th. I am almost out of the 290's! My eating has been way better this week - I'm actually getting some calories in - I'm still having to email my therapist with my food logs but hopefully that should not happen as much anymore as long as I stay on track and not stop eating again. I saw Dr. Church, my surgeon on Wednesday for my post-op visit and he was impressed with me. He said he hadn't seen anyone my size as fit as I was before my surgery - he told me I was one of the easiest people to do this type of surgery on - I recovered WAY faster than normal also...this I contribute again to my exercise program beforehand. My blood pressure is WAY down again also - it was 125/68 in his office. I looked at the nurse and said "That's WAY too low isn't it?" She replied with - "No...that's a great blood pressure! I see that kind of reading in athletes!" I was speachless...almost stunned in fact...Me? An athlete? Well no, not quite, but hey, I'm on my way! I am also excited to get my first fill on April 7th - it will be good for me to get a restriction and start to use my band the way I'm supposed to.
I also had my first lap-band support group meeting on Wednesday evening. They don't call themselves Bandsters...they call themselves "Bandits." I think I actually like that name better! I got to ask lots of questions to the older members and got a few recipes too. It was a great experience and everyone was so positive about it all. I am looking forward to the next one in a month.
So that's my week in a nutshell...Onwards and Upwards! Going to stay positive and on-track!
So you see...Alive to me is WAY more than just a physical building - it's a family - a close one too. Ben and Holly have done such a wonderful job in creating a gym where everyone is very close-knit and supportive of each other. Two years ago you would have NEVER seen me in a gym - I hated everything that exercise stood for -and Alive has cured me of that. I still have quite a ways to go in terms of my weight-loss, but I will get there...for me - it's not all about the weight loss either - it's about my stress levels and happiness and Alive has helped me with that too. Plans are in the works already for a new gym and I'm excited for Ben and Holly. They deserve nothing but the best - and the best is yet to come!
Speaking of my weight-loss - today I weigh 291.1. lbs - the total loss for me this week has been FOUR pounds...for a total loss of 37 lbs since my pre op diet began on Janaury 20th - and a total loss of 13 pounds since my surgery on February 11th. I am almost out of the 290's! My eating has been way better this week - I'm actually getting some calories in - I'm still having to email my therapist with my food logs but hopefully that should not happen as much anymore as long as I stay on track and not stop eating again. I saw Dr. Church, my surgeon on Wednesday for my post-op visit and he was impressed with me. He said he hadn't seen anyone my size as fit as I was before my surgery - he told me I was one of the easiest people to do this type of surgery on - I recovered WAY faster than normal also...this I contribute again to my exercise program beforehand. My blood pressure is WAY down again also - it was 125/68 in his office. I looked at the nurse and said "That's WAY too low isn't it?" She replied with - "No...that's a great blood pressure! I see that kind of reading in athletes!" I was speachless...almost stunned in fact...Me? An athlete? Well no, not quite, but hey, I'm on my way! I am also excited to get my first fill on April 7th - it will be good for me to get a restriction and start to use my band the way I'm supposed to.
I also had my first lap-band support group meeting on Wednesday evening. They don't call themselves Bandsters...they call themselves "Bandits." I think I actually like that name better! I got to ask lots of questions to the older members and got a few recipes too. It was a great experience and everyone was so positive about it all. I am looking forward to the next one in a month.
So that's my week in a nutshell...Onwards and Upwards! Going to stay positive and on-track!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Finding Strength Within
Ok - I'm not going to sugar-coat this blog entry...this week has been stressful and challenging for me. I was afraid of blogging a negative entry, but that wouldn't be truthful - and if you know me - you know that I'm blunt and to the point. This week was my first week back at work - and things were RETARDED - I didn't get to chance to hardly breathe, nevermind work.
I have some head stuff that I need to work through - most of it is mild and petty...I know that only I can control how I feel and react to the situation. I was told by my surgeon, my dietician and a few of my fellow bandsters that my third week post op would be one of the most difficult weeks...I wish I had listened to them...lol Difficult was an understatement. Why is this a difficult time you ask? Well at this point post op, I am allowed to eat solid foods and I have no restriction in my band yet - I just have to be careful and make good choices. I have made great choices so far, but by Tuesday I started to get freaked out - trying to figure out what I could eat...I didn't want to go back to the way I was eating before my pre op diet - then when I thought I figured out what I could eat, I was afraid to eat it, either worried about it being caught in my band or being afraid that it was too high in calories or fat. I had someone even suggest that I eat tuna salad with fat free mayonnaise...which is a great suggestion - but I was afraid to put the mayo on it - I kept saying out loud to myself that THAT is the kind of thing that got me fat in the first place! No mayonnaise...I don't care if it's fat free...
So by Thursday, other than my oatmeal in the morning and my protein shake at the gym in the evening, I was eating very little during the day and had a huge headache and I was afraid to eat. I've never been afraid to eat! I kept trying to tell myself to smarten up and eat whatever I could...and I did - it was just very little.
I was so glad when Friday came - I got to see my therapist who I see once a month...it was quite the session...the thing I find amusing is that she knew I would be feeling this way and was prepared before I even got there. I promised her before I left that I would NOT stop eating again and to call her if I was having issues again.
It has also been challenging for me with regards to my workouts - they are basically non-existent. I have been listening to my surgeon's advice and not lifted anything for four weeks and just done cardio - either on the bike or treadmill...but it's SO boring...I want to get back into it so badly, but I know I need to just be patient - just one more week...actually it's less than a week now! You know you are addicted to something when...lol Oh well - I would rather be addicted to exercise than things I used to be addicted to like sugar and fatty foods and crap like that...
I did have some flickers of satisfaction and self-fulfillment this week though - I managed to turn down cake at a meeting at work on Thursday - and I actually didn't miss it! That's a sign that I'm kicking my sugar addiction for good! Then yesterday on the treadmill, I was doing running intervals at 6.0. I haven't done that in over a year...my knee however, is paying for it today - guess it's back to the bike for me for the next few days. I see my surgeon on Wednesday for my first post op visit - I am hoping he will let me go to kickboxing on Thursday - which would be one day shy of my four week of no lifting, no strength training etc. I hope the workout gods will be with me! lol...
So this week I've decided - will be more positive...I will be in more control of myself...I will dig deep and find my strength within.
I have some head stuff that I need to work through - most of it is mild and petty...I know that only I can control how I feel and react to the situation. I was told by my surgeon, my dietician and a few of my fellow bandsters that my third week post op would be one of the most difficult weeks...I wish I had listened to them...lol Difficult was an understatement. Why is this a difficult time you ask? Well at this point post op, I am allowed to eat solid foods and I have no restriction in my band yet - I just have to be careful and make good choices. I have made great choices so far, but by Tuesday I started to get freaked out - trying to figure out what I could eat...I didn't want to go back to the way I was eating before my pre op diet - then when I thought I figured out what I could eat, I was afraid to eat it, either worried about it being caught in my band or being afraid that it was too high in calories or fat. I had someone even suggest that I eat tuna salad with fat free mayonnaise...which is a great suggestion - but I was afraid to put the mayo on it - I kept saying out loud to myself that THAT is the kind of thing that got me fat in the first place! No mayonnaise...I don't care if it's fat free...
So by Thursday, other than my oatmeal in the morning and my protein shake at the gym in the evening, I was eating very little during the day and had a huge headache and I was afraid to eat. I've never been afraid to eat! I kept trying to tell myself to smarten up and eat whatever I could...and I did - it was just very little.
I was so glad when Friday came - I got to see my therapist who I see once a month...it was quite the session...the thing I find amusing is that she knew I would be feeling this way and was prepared before I even got there. I promised her before I left that I would NOT stop eating again and to call her if I was having issues again.
It has also been challenging for me with regards to my workouts - they are basically non-existent. I have been listening to my surgeon's advice and not lifted anything for four weeks and just done cardio - either on the bike or treadmill...but it's SO boring...I want to get back into it so badly, but I know I need to just be patient - just one more week...actually it's less than a week now! You know you are addicted to something when...lol Oh well - I would rather be addicted to exercise than things I used to be addicted to like sugar and fatty foods and crap like that...
I did have some flickers of satisfaction and self-fulfillment this week though - I managed to turn down cake at a meeting at work on Thursday - and I actually didn't miss it! That's a sign that I'm kicking my sugar addiction for good! Then yesterday on the treadmill, I was doing running intervals at 6.0. I haven't done that in over a year...my knee however, is paying for it today - guess it's back to the bike for me for the next few days. I see my surgeon on Wednesday for my first post op visit - I am hoping he will let me go to kickboxing on Thursday - which would be one day shy of my four week of no lifting, no strength training etc. I hope the workout gods will be with me! lol...
So this week I've decided - will be more positive...I will be in more control of myself...I will dig deep and find my strength within.
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