Recovery

So I had my surgery on Thursday to remove my lapband.  

I'm in full force recovery mode now.  I'm trying to walk as much as possible as that has seemed to help with my post op pain.  I get tired very quickly though so I'm glad I have the rest of this week off.

The surgery itself went really well.  My amazing surgeon Dr Church told me I had some scar tissue he had to remove, but also said it was completely normal.  He also told me something that worried me a little bit.  Apparently he had to "scrape" the tubing from my band off of my liver.  But again, he told me it's nothing to be too concerned about, so I'm trying not to think about it.

Saturday as I was removing my bandages, I got emotional when I looked at my incisions.  I think part of that was from my after effects from the anesthetic.  But part of me felt a sense of loss.  I missed my band...for the first time, I missed it.  When I first received my band, I felt I had received the biggest gift in the world...and I had.  I thought it would be my band and me forever against the world.  It helped me lose over 70 lbs!  I used my tool to its fullest potential.

Unfortunately, not all tools last forever.  

I am going to spend the next few months getting to know myself again.  I am going to start setting weekly and monthly goals and get my strength and stamina back.  

Moving forward!

K

Surgery

This last week has been kind of crazy.

I saw my surgeon for my follow up appointment on Thursday.  When he examined me, he discovered that I have a mild infection in my port area... He also told me my port is tipped inwards...possibly twisted.  This would be why I've had so much swelling and pain in my upper stomach area.

Like most general surgeons, he was blunt with me.  He told me he wanted to remove it sooner rather than later.  "How's next Thursday?" he quipped.  I sat there with my mouth open....ummmm...wow!  

That soon??!

Yep...that soon.

I'm feeling some mixed emotions.  I'm happy my pain will be over and I will finally be able to eat normally again.  But on the other hand...I'm feeling a slight sense of loss.

My band was a part of me.  I received it at a crucial time in my life...I needed it.  I worked my ass off to get it.

But I know now it's time to really show myself what I am made of.  I'm looking forward to getting my metabolism back...to have it return to normal.  I'm ready to be strong again, not just physically but emotionally.  

Thursday will be the beginning of a new chapter in my journey.  My journey to happiness and self-realization.  

Thank you to all of you who have been there for me...supporting me.  I appreciate each and every one of you.

K

Dehydration

The last week has certainly been interesting.

The last time I saw my surgeon on January 24th, he gave me 0.4 cc's of a fill.  This us not that much, however in my case, it was more than enough.  

Last Saturday evening, I ate two bites of a rice cake and got stuck immediately.  I vomited 5 times before everything eventually settled down.  This led to my dietician putting me on a liquid diet when I saw her on Monday.  I was going yo be seeing Dr Church on the 20th and she thought it would be a good thing to do to gets things to settle down and reduce the inflammation in my esophagus.  

I lasted two days on the liquid diet.  By the time Wednesday came around, I couldn't even get coffee or water in.  I was told to head straight to the PLC ER if that was the case.  So I did.

I received IV fluids as I was quite dehydrated.  It's amazing how quickly dehydration settles in.  It was a harrowing experience for me to say the least.

After 9 hours, the surgical team came to assess me.  Two residents and an attending surgeon tried their best to find my port so I could get a de-fill.  They were unsuccessful.  After 7 pokes and prods of my belly with the needle, my surgeon pulled back the curtain and tried to do my de-fill.  It took him three tries to find my port.  He told me that it was tipped now and that's why it was such a difficult task.  It's never been an issue for me to get a fill/de-fill.

Dr Church told me he took out a full cc...today it feels as though he took everything out.  I ate tuna, chicken and shrimp yesterday without any issues.  I almost felt panicky...not having the restriction is a bit daunting.   It's new to me...I'm so used to everything getting stuck.  Don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad thing, just weird.

I also want to give huge kudos to a nurse who took care of me on Wednesday.  I don't think nurses get enough credit for the hard work they do.  He was calm and caring the whole time I was there.  I will be sending an email to his supervisor, letting him/her know how much I appreciated him.

I'm seeing Dr Church this coming Thursday for a consult and to discuss the band removal.  I hope it's sooner rather than later!

Thank you everyone for your well wishes and show of concern the past few days.  Your support has been...incredible.

I've Sprung a Leak?!

I've been having some issues with my lap-band for a while now.  Some days I can barely get liquids down, some days I vomit every time I eat, and there have been some days when I can eat just about anything.  I've had my upper GI done, and when I saw my surgeon this past Friday, he noticed that I was "wide open" meaning I had virtually no restriction in my band.  

"I am pretty sure you have a slow leak somewhere" he said.  He then told me I would probably need more testing and then if that's the case, I would need my band replaced.

I have had a lot of time to think about things.  I have not been happy with my progress (or lack of) this past year.  I have constant burning in my esophagus, vomiting weekly, and weight gain.  

I have talked to my dietician, my surgeon, my internist and my therapist.  With their advice, I have made the difficult decision to get my band removed.  Permanently.

This has not been an easy decision for me.  I can't blame the band entirely for my issues.  It has helped me eat smaller portions, eat slower and in turn, lose weight.  I do not for a second regret my decision for getting it in the first place.  My journey with my band has had its ups and downs, but for the most part, it's been a rewarding experience - and I've learned so much about myself.

I'm looking forward to this next phase in my journey.  I'm excited!

It's Time

It's late November...and the Christmas season is almost upon us.

Every Christmas since my mom passed away has been a hard time for me.  I won't lie - I've been a miserable, negative person to be around.  For the past four Christmas's I have had a hard time being cheery and just haven't been in the mood to celebrate the Christmas spirit.

This year seems different.

I woke up one morning last weekend and just decided that enough was enough.  Yes, I miss my mom terribly at this time of year, but really...it is time to move on.  It's time to be happy and make the most of this season.  We haven't even had a tree the past four years because I just felt too sad to even look at one.

Today when we went grocery shopping, I walked myself over to the seasonal department at the WalMart and picked out a wreath that I am proud of putting on our door.  Next week - I am planning on picking out a tree! 

I am proud of myself - to come this far.  I will never forget my mom - especially at this time of year, but I know in my heart, I have finally accepted the fact she is no longer here and I am okay with it. 

Now...an update on my band...I saw my dietician a couple of weeks ago.  She and I went through my food journals with a fine tooth comb, and while yes, I have a day here and a day there where I went off plan, there is no solid reason as to why I have gained the amount of weight I have.  She suggested I see a specialist in Internal Medicine to see if there is another reason behind it.  She also suggested I see my surgeon - which I have. He thinks I MAY have a small slip in my band - and set up an Upper GI for December 5th.  If this is the case, I will need the band removed. 

I've also been doing an awesome boxing class for the past couple of months.  My friend Angela and I have been doing it together!  We both keep each other motivated each class - in fact, we are the only beginners left in the class since the beginning - I am so proud of us!

The last time I saw my doctor, he began to get on me about my weight.  I told him I was frustrated and that I would start seeing my dietician on a regular basis - that I am taking responsibility for my gain, but there is another reason behind it too.  As I was leaving the exam room, he shook my hand and looked at me and said "Please don't give up."  I looked at him in surprise and said "No, I won't give up - I have come WAY too far to give up."

That is all.

Catching My Breath

Life has been pretty good lately...

In late June, Brian found out he got a job in the Shipping/Receiving Department at CLS... In the same building where I work!  We spent most of our holiday week preparing him for his first day.  I am so happy for him as it has been such a positive move for him... Besides the 6 dollar a hour increase in pay in what he was making at WalMart, he's being treated with respect...something he rarely got in the 21 years he put into WalMart.  For the first time ever...last week he told me he loves his job!  It was nice to see him smile again.

I ended up not going to the gym for two weeks either...which is very unlike me, but it felt good to relax and take some time to catch my breath.  I haven't done that in so long, and obviously it was just what I needed.  I'm also starting to feel like my old self again.  I'm feeling calmer and happier.

My weight hasn't changed since I last posted, but I haven't gained, and that's the most important thing.  Tomorrow I am planning on starting my 5 day pouch test again and get right back on track!

Enjoy the rest of your summer!

K

Reset, Recharge, Re-Commit!

The title says it all.

It's been a roller coaster of a ride the last few months.  I haven't been feeling great, both physically and emotionally.  I've been gaining weight and not feeling good about myself. 

I was in denial.  Up until about three weeks ago.

When I got out of bed on a Monday morning, my knees gave out on me.  I literally had to crawl to the bathroom.  I think this was my "bottoming out point."  As I sat on the floor in my bathroom, bawling my eyes out, all I could think of was how could I have let myself get this way again?  Why won't my knees work?  Oh ya that's right...you fat piece of Sh$t...you did it again - you were given this opportunity and have screwed it all up and gained all the weight back that you lost.

This was not the truth.  I knew deep down inside I hadn't gained all the weight back.  I knew I had gained some, but refused to get back on the scale.  I was fed up with myself.

But I continued to eat crap for the next three days.

Then I did something.

I reached out.  I reached out for help.  As soon as I got to work that day I called my lapband psychologist. I was lucky to get in to see her the following Monday. 

The appointment went as well as can be expected.  She listened to me as I poured out my fears and anger to her.  Anger at myself, and fear about a loved one.  I told her I was ashamed of myself and how I let things get out of control.  She encouraged me to keep going and to start thinking of myself again.  She also encouraged me to book an appointment with one of the dieticians and for a fill.

I left her office feeling calmer - which was good.  I hadn't felt calm in about four months, so this was progress.

I saw the dietcian the next week.  I told her I had gained some weight and that I needed to go over my food logs and get back on track.  She agreed.  When the end of the appointment was nearing, I asked her - "Don't you want to weigh me?"  She didn't think it was necessary and thought it would upset me.  I told her I wanted to be held accountable for my gain - so I stepped on the scale.

I had gained 40 lbs.  Exactly.

I turned to her and told her that no, I wasn't happy, but that it was time for me to move forward.  No more looking back.  From now on, I was going to be honest with myself, log all my food and keep my exercise up.  She liked my plan.

So did I.

I talked to a few other lapbanders online and they encouraged me to start the 5 day pouch test.  It was to help me get back on track and start using my band the way it's supposed to - like a tool. 

At the end of the pouch test, I lost 11 lbs!  I felt great of what I had accomplished. 

But most of all...I felt in control again.

I also saw my surgeon on Friday for a fill - while he seemed a bit disappointed with my gain - he was happy to see that I was using all of the resources made available to me to be successful.

I am so fortunate to have the support I do have.  I just needed to reach out for help.  I'm not really sure why I didn't earlier - I think I was just comfortable lying to myself and trying to stay oblivious to what was happening.

I'm now down a total for the week of 12 lbs.  I am so happy with myself - proud of myself.  I'm also excited that my dietician "hooked me up" with another member in the Weight Management Program.  It's awesome that we can draw support from each other, and I'm looking forward to getting to know her more.

A big thank you to my lapband team, my fellow lapbanders and lapbanders to be!  Without you, I would probably still be sitting on my couch, too ashamed to reach out for help.

And have made a new committment to myself to NEVER go down this path again.  I will reach out for help when I need it and use my band - my tool - the way it's supposed to be! 

Carry On...

I won't deny it.  The past couple of months have been a true eye opener for me.  I think I have learned more about myself in two months that I have for most of my life. 

I started a new medication early last month - and am very happy to report that I have been feeling a whole bunch better, and the really positive aspect is I am calmer, and am sleeping WAY better.

The downside?  I'm gaining weight.  And not just a little.  I've gained 10 pounds in one month.  Unfortunately, one of the side effects of the Celexa is weight gain. 

I can't blame the medication entirely for my gain though.  A couple of weeks ago, I took almost an entire week off from the gym.  I was having daily headaches and dizziness from my body adjusting to the Celexa.  I felt horrible and lazy and just plain gross.  Last Monday, when I finally went back, I found the class so brutal, I had to stop and take deep breaths as I tried to keep the puke down.  I just kept thinking to myself -"This time away was SO NOT WORTH IT."  So I made a vow to myself NEVER to do that again.  I made a promise to go to the gym a minimum of 4x a week and I will stick to it.

I am also not making the best of food choices.  I know I am eating WAY too many carbs.  I kind of giggled to myself when I reviewed my food journal for the past couple of weeks.  I logged EVERYTHING - which was honest of me, but wow...it sure was an eye opener.  WAY too much sugar and carbs, and the most alarming thing was the amount of sodium I was consuming. 

I've also stopped asking for support.  I haven't had my lapband filled since the end of October.  I haven't been using my band the way it is supposed to be used...as a tool.  I need to ask for help from the Dietitians in my program and use all of the resources that are available to me. 

I feel ashamed of myself that I have gained, but I must keep telling myself how far I really have come.  I have literally changed my life.  I am stronger than I have ever been and will continue on that road.

So...for this next week I will:

1.  Eat fewer carbs.
2.  Eat less sugar.
3.  Decrease my sodium intake.
4.  Call my lapband program and make an appt with one of the dietitians.
5.  Keep on the right track with my exercise program - I've planned for 4 days again, so will stick with it.
6.  STAY POSITIVE.

We all struggle sometimes.  The positive resolution to this, is to just get right back up and keep going.

And...Carry on.

I'm Still Here

I guess it's been a while since I was here last. 

Things have been interesting to say the least. 

I went back to my doctor this past week for the third time - I just have not been feeling like myself at all lately.  I was nervous about talking to him - I know, it sounds silly, but seeing as I don't know him that well, I felt weird.  He actually sat down and we had a good 20 min conversation about everything that was going on with me.  His opinion?  He thinks I may have S.A.D.- or Seasonal Affective Disorder.  My vitamin D levels that he checked a few months ago were quite low, so he said that may explain a few things too.  He was also a bit leaning towards the depression/anxiety side - and gave me a prescription for Celexa and made me promise to follow up with him in a month. 

I also took the liberty of booking an appointment with a therapist.  Again.  I guess it's time!

I will work through this.  I will combat it and will not let it consume me. 

On the great side, I've amped up my exercise - which always helps make me feel better.  It's my natural tranquilizer.  Whenever I am feeling rough, all I need to do is hop on a spin bike and I feel relief. 

I also celebrated my 41st Birthday a couple of weeks ago.  It was an awesome evening.  It was wonderful to see everyone too.  I wore a dress that my friend Angela gave me - a year ago.  She gave it to me as she had lost so much weight, she was too tiny for it!  She gave it to me one evening after we had a workout together and told me I would fit into it soon.  Not believing her (or myself for that matter) I just put it in my closet and there it sat for over a year.  I decided to take it out a month ago...I put it on and low and behold...it fit!  I fit into a size 18 dress!  It wasn't that long ago, I was wearing a size 28!  It felt great!

It was a fun evening...and went on the rest of the week! 

Cheers to better days ahead!

K

Struggling

It's back.

My insomnia is back.

It's been back since the second last week in January, and frankly...it's driving me CRAZY.

I went to my doctor about it after two days in a row of basically no sleep. I asked him to let me go back on the Seroquel - even if it was just a really low dose.

He said absolutely not.

Then he wrote me a prescription for Immovane (to use only in emergencies) and sent me on my way.  He told me all I needed was to get my sleep cycle back in sync. 

That was just over two weeks ago.  Yes, it has gotten better marginally...but last night, I went back to a sleepless night after a stressful time at work yesterday.

Why do I do this to myself?!  I know better than to bring work home with me! 

On the upside, at least I am mostly keeping up with my exercise program - going to the gym four times a week. My nutrition is lacking though.  I'm starting to emotionally eat again and that's not good.

I know better.

I  WILL get back on track.  I WILL NOT let the anxiety consume me like it did a few years back.  I am bigger than it, and I know only I can control how I act and feel.

I just need to have patience with myself...yes...patience.

I can do this.

Control

I'm a control freak. 

Since the begining of time, I've always felt the need for control in my life...and to control others. 

This something I would like to change,and I know it will be a long process for me. 

I seem to fixate on others actions (or in a lot of instances - inactions) instead of concentrating on what I need to do.

The gym right now is crazy busy...packed with all the usual "Resolutioners."  Last week I went and did some cardio on my own - as I was spining away on the spin bike, I had a nice full view of the gym floor - and watched all the newbies in action.  I giggled to myself as I watched this younger, slim cute blonde girl do tricep extensions with a five pound weight.  A FIVE POUND WEIGHT.  I even went as far as to record a video of her on my phone.  When I got home, I showed my husband Brian and laughed again.  Except...he wasn't laughing.  He just looked at me and said "Maybe that's all she could do."  "At least she showed up and worked out the best she could." 

I've talked to a couple other people about it and they pretty much said the same thing to me.

Have I really become that kind of person??  I've had a few days to think about it and feel really badly with how I have acted.  I feel like I need to control other people.  I feel like I sometimes even compare myself with others instead of just concentrating on myself and controlling MY actions.

Starting today, I will be a kinder, more understanding person.  I want to be a role model to people that are just starting out on this kind of a journey.  I have been where these people are right now...I know what it's like to walk into a gym all by myself starting out and be scared shitless...

I will be a more supportive, encouraging friend.

I hope I never have to feel this way again. 

That is all.

The dress

I've been kickin' butt lately.  I feel good.  I feel happy.  For the most part I'm in control of my eating habits - I've fallen a little bit off the "Christmas Treats at Work" wagon, but I'm refusing to beat myself up about it.  I've done it...I've indulged a bit here and there, but it's time to move on.

I've lost quite a bit of weight in the last month.  I won't go into details about how much, but enough where I am noticing it again.  We had our company Christmas Party a couple of weekends ago and Brian insisted I buy a new dress for it.  So off I went to Penningtons grudgingly.  Brian's friend Monique joined us and she helped me pick out my dress.  I remember looking at it on the hanger and hating it at first.  Monique just told me to try it on anyway so I did.  I remember looking at myself in the mirror with it on and thinking:  "Hey...I look pretty good!"  Then a complete stranger walked up to me and told me she hoped that I would buy that dress because it looked amazing on me. 

She had me at that.  I walked back into the change room, looked at myself again and broke down.  These were happy tears this time.  I kept thinking to myself "I'm back!  I'm back on track! And DAMN!!  I look wicked!"  Then I said the same thing out loud to myself. 

I have never done that before.

Here are a couple of pictures of me in my new dress.  I love the way I feel and look in it.

 

 



 

Ben also came to town last week - it was awesome to see him and to catch up.  He told me that I looked the best I have ever looked since I met him and Holly...coming from him, that means a lot.  We had a great workout and it was just the "recharge" that I needed.

Sometimes, all it takes is being gentle with yourself and giving yourself credit.  I know I don't give myself enough credit, and this is going to stop. 

I am one amazing, strong and competent chick...and nothing is going to stop me!

Merry Christmas everyone! 

Cheers!

K

Peanut Butter

The title says it all...

I have a huge addiction to peanut butter.  There I said it.  I think admitting it is the first step to recovery right? 

I think my addiction has gotten a little out of control though.  You see, I don't just have a taste - I go big or go home.  I always make sure I pack it in my lunch when I'm getting ready for work in the morning - and have realized something.  I've been lying to myself.  Sure, I fill my little rubbermaid 3 ounce container and keep telling myself it only equals two tablespoons.

WRONG!!!!

It finally occurred to me to actually measure it properly, and it comes out to about 4 tablespoons...about 400-500 extra calories a day. 

So I have since then made a promise to myself.  That I am going to slowly wean myself off the stuff.  I really shouldn't have it in my house...period.  The next couple of weeks, I am really going to give it an honest try and eat less and less of it until I don't need it anymore.  I'm going to check out this new stuff called PB2 - that lots of people are raving about.

I think I am also emotionally attached to the stuff.  I know...it sounds totally silly and ridiculous, but it's true.  I remember when I was in Kingergarten and Grade one - coming home at lunchtime on cold days and my Mom welcoming me home with a nice peanut butter sandwich - and hot chocolate of course :-)  I loved it.  I think a lot about my Mom when I eat peanut butter - we always had it in the house when we were growing up.  If Mom wasn't making me a sandwich, Dad was and it was always with lots of honey too! 

Somehow...I need to get over this emotional attachment.  It's going to take some time and lots of patience on my part, but I will get through it.

I've also lost 15.5 lbs in 4 weeks!  I'm so happy about it.  I've worked really hard and really focused myself.  I'm still having a few issues with hypoglycemia, but am really working hard to try and take regular breaks at work.  My body is still adjusting to the drop in calories.

I got up to 224 lbs on my deadlifts too!  I'm pretty stoked about it and am looking forward to going heavier in the next few weeks.  Thanks to Patrick and Brian for supporting me through it.  Patrick, you are amazing!  Thanks!

 

Bring on the next four weeks!!

Have Patience!

Well here I am again...two weeks in a row in fact. 

I've had a pretty damn good week, and it ended even better this morning with the awesome news that a friend of a friend had woken up from her two week coma.  She had been diagnosed with bacterial pneumonia and had to be intubated.  This past Tuesday, her family had been told that all hope was lost and she was not going to wake up, and her lungs were so necrosed from the infection.  Well lo and behold, this morning she opened her eyes and knew who everyone was and what was going on.  It's going to be a long haul of healing for her, but at least we know she will be fine.

I saw my lap band dietitian and surgeon on Friday.  I won't deny it, I was nervous and worried about how the whole thing was going to go down.  I chatted for a while with the dietitian and when I told her about what my therapist had told me she was quite disappointed with what I had been told.  We also agreed that I had not been coming in enough to get my fills - in other words, I had not been using my band to the fullest.  By the end of our meeting, we had made a deal that I was going to make regular monthly appointments to get my fills until I had hit my sweet spot and start losing regularly.  She was impressed with the fact that I had lost over 9 lbs in two weeks - but that I need to lean on them more and work my band the way it's supposed to.  My surgeon agreed with all of this and was really great with me.  When I told him I was considering getting my band removed, he replied with "You know Kristy, there is a reason you were chosen for this surgery.  You have the determination, and perseverance and discipline to do this, so I think you just need to have more patience and work the band like it's supposed to."  He gave me .4cc's and I have to say, it feels like it's the most restriction I have ever had.  I now have a total of 6.6 cc's in my 10 cc band.  Other than an episode with some peanut butter yesterday, I've been really cautious with what I put in my mouth and the amount I put in my mouth.  I only eat until I am no longer hungry and it feels good.  I hope this amount of restriction stays.

Another great thing to happen this week was that I deadlifted 215 lbs on Wednesday.  I wasn't sure if I could do it, but with Patrick and Brian pushing me and supporting me to get there, I did it.  It felt so good to get back to that point again.  My knees felt good aftewards and the only thing to bother me a bit was my right elbow - which is kind of weird but whatever.  I am hoping to up the weight by 5 lbs this week so we will see. 

Also, on Friday I when I stepped on the scale, I managed to lose 1.3 lbs.  That's 9.3 lbs in two weeks!  I have been so careful with what I've been eating lately.  I do admit, I have had a couple of minor oops's at work, but I've really tried hard to use my willpower skills :-)

This week is going to be even better...I can feel it!

Have a great week everyone!

Prove Them Wrong

I have to be honest here...I've been a bad blogger.  I haven't kept up to date with it - I used to blog every week, and I don't really know why I've stopped, but starting today, I'm going to really try to make the effort to blog more.  I find it therapeutic and it helps me with my weight loss efforts.

I've had a lot to think about as of late.  For a while, I couldn't get what my therapist told me out of my head the last time I saw her.  I was so angry with her.  She is supposed to be a person of trust and knowledge and support.  I felt none of that after I saw her.  I fact, I have felt the most alone in my journey than I have EVER.  Then my lap-band friend Angela sat me down and we had a good chat.  She too, was also taken aback with the therapist's comments.  We went over my food journals and had a good chat about everything.  Then she told me something that has been resonating in my head for weeks now.  "PROVE THEM WRONG."  "Prove to them Kristy that you can do this...that you have it in yourself to do this and get it done."  Thank you Angela...you have inspired me yet again to get back on track and work harder!  Your support means the world to me.

So I've done just that.  Yes it's taken me a few weeks to get over my pity party, but I'm doing it.  I lost EIGHT pounds last week alone.  How did I do this?  I went through my food journal and figured out I was eating WAY too many carbs...and I was over-eating on the weekends too.  Both of these I have managed to fix.  I have also increased my cardio and have added it into EVERY workout.  Also last week, I managed to sleep a heck of a lot better too.  I'm not quite sure how I managed that, but I did.  I also focused a lot more on saying NO to crap at work.  We had a celebration for a co-worker on Thursday and I allowed myself a piece of cake..but it was a SMALL piece.  Hey...you gotta start somewhere!

I had kind of a discouraging visit with my doctor on Wednesday.  My knees are so painful and swollen at the moment.  I asked him for a refill on my Arthrotec - to which he told me that he wanted me to cut down almost entirely on that and just take Extra Strength Tylenol!  He told me the Arthrotec could cause kidney, liver and stomach issues.  Then he told me to get a cane.  I almost laughed out loud -- thought he was kidding.  He wasn't.  He also gave me another prescription for Arthrotec - but only to be taken on my "Flare up" days...which is almost every day right now...and he also gave me and rx for a new type of ointment that is loaded with analgesics.  Then he got on me about my weight again.  I told him I was trying my best and he just told me it was EXTREMELY critical that I get this weight off.  His words have given me even more of an incentive to try harder to lose the weight and get my knees better.  I am not a surgical candidate either, so it is really time for me to buckle down and get this done.

So that is where I am at right now.  I am going to prove them (the lap band support group leaders) that I can do this MY way.  But most of all, I am going to prove it to myself that I am capable and strong enough to get this done.

That is all.  Stay tuned!

As Good As It Gets??

For the past three days I've been trying to figure out what to post.  I've been in kind of a bad place as of late.  I've allowed some negative feelings to get the best of me and I haven't made the greatest of food choices.  I have even decreased my exercise the past couple of weeks.

It all kind of came to a head this past Tuesday morning when I saw the psychologist in my lap band program.  I have been seeing her monthly for follow up visits and to just touch base with how everything has been going for me.  I told her that I was feeling very frustrated with how I was feeling - that I felt like I wasnt making any progress.  She then said something that has been resonating in my head over and over... "Kristy - you must start to accept your body just the way it is now."  "You really won't be losing much more and you need to accept that." 

Uhhhh...pardon me...but WTF?!?!?!  Accept my body the way it is???  The last I checked, I still have 110lbs to lose.  I'm sorry, but no - I can't accept that. 

And that's just what I told her.  I will not and won't accept that.  I spent 20+ years saying that to myself - lying to myself and telling myself that it was okay to be as fat as I was.  That's how I got up to 360 lbs...that's NOT okay.  Her response to all of that was, that she was discharging me from her care and that she felt I didn't need her - that I could do the rest of it without her. 

Do the rest without HER???  I wanted to tell her to get over herself - but I all I could manage to mumble was thank you and goodbye. 

So ya.  I've been angry and hurt and then angry some more.  Angry that she told me this and angry that she's probably telling other people in my group the same thing. 

I also saw my new doctor about a week ago for my physical.  He said I was in terrific shape for someone my age.  He was pleased with my BP (although it was up a little bit - I contribute it to the fact that he's really nice to look at and he made me nervous) and my cholesterol and blood sugar were all normal...my ECG was normal and everything else...everything else BUT...

Ya you guessed it...my weight.  He was different from all of the other doctors that have discussed the weight issue with me tho.  He was patient but was very frank with me.  We talked about how my knees have been in the worst shape of my life the past month.  My good knee now clicks and cracks and is swollen.  I can no longer do squats or lunges.  In fact, two weeks ago at the gym, I had to take the elevator instead of the stairs up to the weight room floor.  I was mortified and embarrassed with myself.  I just couldn't get my knees to even bend in the manner you need to get up a simple flight of stairs....so, I took most of last week off and tried to rest them the best I could.  I went back today to do my cardio, and I could get up the stairs, although slowly. 

Anyway - back to my doctor's appt.  He told me if I didn't lose the weight, I probably wouldn't be able to walk by the time I reach 45.  All the meds in the world couldn't help - I need to get this weight off.  I wholeheartedly agreed with him.  I know I need to do this...get the weight off to help my knees.

So I guess the major point of my post was to get some stuff off my chest.  I WILL continue on this journey of weight loss and I will NOT accept the way things are. 

So this week my goals are:

1.  NO WHEAT!
2.  Exercise every day but Wednesday.
3.  NO cheating at work.
4.  Be nice to my knees :-)
5.  Stay FOCUSED

It's gonna be a good week...See??  I knew that posting this blog tonight would make me feel better!

Cheers!

Kris

Summertime Fun and New Job!

It's summer.

But I know you already know that.

Summer is that time of year where people relax, take vacations, and enjoy the weather. 

I did all of the above - I didn't go anywhere this year - we usually just stick around town and have our "staycation" and go to movies and hang out with friends.  The last couple of summers, I have been very rigid with myself when it comes to my exericise regime and my eating habits.

This year...not so much.

I wanted to relax more - which apparently I needed to do.  I got out with friends and went to a few movies.  But I also cut back on my exercise and pretty much ate what I wanted. 

And yeah...I've gained a little bit of weight.  But you know what?  Oh well. 

This time around, I'm not going to freak out about it.  I have worked really freaking hard lately and I know I will lose the weight again.  I fell off the wagon, but have gotten back on.  Shit happens...and I'm dealing with it.  I wanted to have fun this summer and I did...my routine fell out the window - my fitness classes at the YMCA ended for the summer and I was on my own - or I felt that way...and that's okay.  I know how to kick my own ass when I need to.

Onto more positive things...I got a new job!  It's the Administrative Assistant position in the same department where I am presently.  It's a step up and I am so happy about it.  I am happy that I get to stay working with the same great group that I currently work with.  I am hoping to start it near the end of September, but that will be dependant on how the training goes with the person that takes over my present position. 

So that's my summer so far in a nutshell...lots of relaxing, laughing, and just having fun - something I just haven't done in a LONG TIME...oh ya...and a new job to look forward to!

In case you are wondering...yes I am back to my routine...eating clean (well most of the time) and exercising 5-6 times a week.

Onwards and upwards!

K

Yoga...it's Important!

It's been a while since I've been here.  I actually had a co-worker come up to me this week and inquire as to why I haven't blogged in a long time.  Life has just been busy...I've been on holidays and to tell the truth, I haven't MADE time to blog.  But I'm back now, so it's all good!

I love Yoga.  Unfortunately, I haven't been to a yoga class in a long time.  For some reason, I have put it on the back burner and it's pretty much nonexistent in my life right now.  I used to go every Sunday.  Now, if I am lucky, I go once every couple of months or so.  I think it has to do with the fact that I was looking for a new studio.  I found one in Lake Bonavista just over a month ago - and I've been once.  When I was going every Sunday, I felt great and my joints felt awesome.  I guess I thought that slacking off in the yoga department would be okay...and I was wrong. 

Ben came to town last week and we worked out.  We started off doing some Good Mornings on the squat rack...by the time I was finished my second set, my hamstrings were in spasm.  I tried to just shrug it off and shake it out and thought really nothing of it.  Then he put me on the glute/ham machine - and proceeded to do three sets on that.  He put me through a full leg workout, complete with a few sets of deadlifts and by the end of it, I felt not too bad...even the next day, my legs and knees felt great - I was doing stairs like a normal person and walking normally.  Then the second day came...and I could hardly walk.  My knees were in agony and I was almost in tears.  My hamstrings felt like big rocks on the back of my legs.  I couldn't understand why there was so much pain.  I stayed away from my legs during my Saturday morning workout and just concentrated on my upper body.  While I was doing my cool down and stretch, I worked a bit on my hamstrings...that's when I realized what I had done.  I had worked my hamstrings so much and due to the lack of my yoga classes, it opened me up to some obvious injury.  They were in spasm and I had a hard time just doing the simplest of stretches.  So...off to the doctor on Monday I went.  He examined me and determined that I had bruised my right hamstring - didn't do too bad of damage, but stressed to me that I really should be doing more yoga and stretching.  I couldn't agree with him more.  I know what I need to do and I will do it...starting this Sunday morning, I'm going to go back to doing my yoga once a week.  That should heal things up and help me out.

Speaking of doctors...I fired my doctor this week and started seeing my new one.  I was getting fed up with the lack of care and total disregard for my health.  I would wait upwards of 2-3 hours - and that's with an appointment.  I think the breaking point for me was the fact that he spend a total of TEN minutes with me for a physical.  A physical!!  WTF!?!  Anyway - I was very happy to meet my new doctor and get the show on the road.  He seems genuinely interested in helping me work towards my goals and he was super interested when I talked to him about my lap-band and my weight loss efforts so far.  He's young (32 in fact) and very with the times.  I was very lucky to find this new doctor and the fact that he took me on knowing I was unhappy with my current doctor was great.  He also stressed to me how important yoga is to do on a weekly basis as least - especially with someone like me that works out as much as I do.

So there we are...life is good!  Just can't forget my yoga classes anymore.  It's so vital and so important!!

A New Goal

When I started my Journey over three years ago, Ben (my trainer) and I sat down and wrote down some goals that I wanted to achieve.  We talked about how I wanted to be healthier and thinner, and we talked about how I wanted to be happy.  While I have worked extremely hard at achieving these, they will always be an ongoing work in progress. 

I have set a new goal for myself.  I don't want to obsess about my weight anymore.  To be honest...it's really getting to me.  I will lose 10 pounds, then I'm up three...then I will lose three and be up two...

Get my drift?

Back in the fall of 2009, Ben introduced me to deadlifting.  It was by far one of the exercises/drills he would have me do, and to be honest, I ROCKED at it.  I ended up lifting as heavy as 265 lbs.  My goal at that time was 300 lbs, but I never did it.  I let my head crap get the best of me.  Ben told me back then that he felt I could compete if I wanted to.  At that point in my journey, I had so much garbage going on in my head - that I decided I couldn't do it.  I had an obstacle in front of me - telling me that I couldn't do it.  The obstacle was myself.  So...I let it all go - decided I couldn't do it anymore and just tried to forget about it.

Until this past Saturday.  Brian and I were at the YMCA working out and I decided I wanted to try to deadlift again.  I have deadlifted from time to time since 2009, but have never really taken it seriously.  Saturday, for some reason, I did.  I did sets of five, each time going heavier and heavier.  Then when I was taking a break, I looked to my left and saw this woman doing the exact same thing I was doing...I watched her out of the corner of my eye - she was doing snatches and cleans with heavy weight - I was amazed...we both looked at each other at the same time and so I complimented her.  She came up to me and we started talking - I told her I had lifted as heavy as 265 lbs - and that I was wanting to work towards that again.  She told me that I should be competing, if I wanted to lift that heavy.  She told me I had great form and all I needed were some minor tweaks and to work on my breathing techniques.  That's when she told me she had been a Women's Olympic Weight Lifting Coach.  She gave me her name - which is Lynn - and she gave me her number and email address.  The we went for a walk around the track and she gave me a "pep talk."  She said if I needed ANY help at all, that she would help me get into competition "mode."  We also talked a little bit about diet and things like that.  I have already sent her an email and hope to hear back from her soon. 

I now feel I have the confidence to do this.  I want to be healthier and more fit of course, but I also want to be stronger than I ever had been in my life - and I am well on my way.  I know with the proper coaching, and perseverance and hard work on my part, I can do it.  I've always had the outer strength to do this - now I need to work harder on my inner strength!

I'm excited...I have a new goal to work towards...Weightlifting competition...HERE I COME!

Finding Balance...

I love my therapist.  Plain and simple.  She gets me.  We had a great session on Tuesday - we mostly talked about my sleeping habits - which are slowly getting better btw - but a lot of the session we talked about finding balance in my life.  For the last three years, it's been almost all about my exercise and eating plan.  I haven't really had a lot of time to do other things that make me happy.  This may sound silly, but I used to get anxious when I couldn't work out - I was worried I was going to get fatter again.  We discussed how I can still be dedicated to my lifestyle, but STILL have a life.  I have started to change things up a bit with my exercise program - I've been doing more strength training and I feel pretty good.  I still stick to my cardio three times a week, because it's important.  I'm also trying out the new yoga class which I've been meaning to go to, but haven't found a gap in my schedule.  This Sunday I will be doing that.  So, the point to all of this, is to find a happy-medium - to be happy with what I'm doing - and to have fun.  This will be a work in progress!


On Tuesday, I celebrated my 3 year "Healthy Birthday."  Three years ago, I walked into Alive Personal Training - not knowing what to expect - I was scared, mad, sad and out of control.  I am so glad I made the decision to get healthy. Through all of that, I was selected to receive my lap-band.  It's been such a whirlwind for me, but I'm happy.  Here is How It All Began! 

So if you are someone who is just interested in starting out on a Weight Loss Journey, kudos to you!  Just remember, it's a life-long journey...there is no end point.  Take each day as it comes and don't look back!

K