I guess it's been a while since I was here last.
Things have been interesting to say the least.
I went back to my doctor this past week for the third time - I just have not been feeling like myself at all lately. I was nervous about talking to him - I know, it sounds silly, but seeing as I don't know him that well, I felt weird. He actually sat down and we had a good 20 min conversation about everything that was going on with me. His opinion? He thinks I may have S.A.D.- or Seasonal Affective Disorder. My vitamin D levels that he checked a few months ago were quite low, so he said that may explain a few things too. He was also a bit leaning towards the depression/anxiety side - and gave me a prescription for Celexa and made me promise to follow up with him in a month.
I also took the liberty of booking an appointment with a therapist. Again. I guess it's time!
I will work through this. I will combat it and will not let it consume me.
On the great side, I've amped up my exercise - which always helps make me feel better. It's my natural tranquilizer. Whenever I am feeling rough, all I need to do is hop on a spin bike and I feel relief.
I also celebrated my 41st Birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was an awesome evening. It was wonderful to see everyone too. I wore a dress that my friend Angela gave me - a year ago. She gave it to me as she had lost so much weight, she was too tiny for it! She gave it to me one evening after we had a workout together and told me I would fit into it soon. Not believing her (or myself for that matter) I just put it in my closet and there it sat for over a year. I decided to take it out a month ago...I put it on and low and behold...it fit! I fit into a size 18 dress! It wasn't that long ago, I was wearing a size 28! It felt great!
It was a fun evening...and went on the rest of the week!
Cheers to better days ahead!
K
It's back.
My insomnia is back.
It's been back since the second last week in January, and frankly...it's driving me CRAZY.
I went to my doctor about it after two days in a row of basically no sleep. I asked him to let me go back on the Seroquel - even if it was just a really low dose.
He said absolutely not.
Then he wrote me a prescription for Immovane (to use only in emergencies) and sent me on my way. He told me all I needed was to get my sleep cycle back in sync.
That was just over two weeks ago. Yes, it has gotten better marginally...but last night, I went back to a sleepless night after a stressful time at work yesterday.
Why do I do this to myself?! I know better than to bring work home with me!
On the upside, at least I am mostly keeping up with my exercise program - going to the gym four times a week. My nutrition is lacking though. I'm starting to emotionally eat again and that's not good.
I know better.
I WILL get back on track. I WILL NOT let the anxiety consume me like it did a few years back. I am bigger than it, and I know only I can control how I act and feel.
I just need to have patience with myself...yes...patience.
I can do this.
I'm a control freak.
Since the begining of time, I've always felt the need for control in my life...and to control others.
This something I would like to change,and I know it will be a long process for me.
I seem to fixate on others actions (or in a lot of instances - inactions) instead of concentrating on what I need to do.
The gym right now is crazy busy...packed with all the usual "Resolutioners." Last week I went and did some cardio on my own - as I was spining away on the spin bike, I had a nice full view of the gym floor - and watched all the newbies in action. I giggled to myself as I watched this younger, slim cute blonde girl do tricep extensions with a five pound weight. A FIVE POUND WEIGHT. I even went as far as to record a video of her on my phone. When I got home, I showed my husband Brian and laughed again. Except...he wasn't laughing. He just looked at me and said "Maybe that's all she could do." "At least she showed up and worked out the best she could."
I've talked to a couple other people about it and they pretty much said the same thing to me.
Have I really become that kind of person?? I've had a few days to think about it and feel really badly with how I have acted. I feel like I need to control other people. I feel like I sometimes even compare myself with others instead of just concentrating on myself and controlling MY actions.
Starting today, I will be a kinder, more understanding person. I want to be a role model to people that are just starting out on this kind of a journey. I have been where these people are right now...I know what it's like to walk into a gym all by myself starting out and be scared shitless...
I will be a more supportive, encouraging friend.
I hope I never have to feel this way again.
That is all.
I've been kickin' butt lately. I feel good. I feel happy. For the most part I'm in control of my eating habits - I've fallen a little bit off the "Christmas Treats at Work" wagon, but I'm refusing to beat myself up about it. I've done it...I've indulged a bit here and there, but it's time to move on.
I've lost quite a bit of weight in the last month. I won't go into details about how much, but enough where I am noticing it again. We had our company Christmas Party a couple of weekends ago and Brian insisted I buy a new dress for it. So off I went to Penningtons grudgingly. Brian's friend Monique joined us and she helped me pick out my dress. I remember looking at it on the hanger and hating it at first. Monique just told me to try it on anyway so I did. I remember looking at myself in the mirror with it on and thinking: "Hey...I look pretty good!" Then a complete stranger walked up to me and told me she hoped that I would buy that dress because it looked amazing on me.
She had me at that. I walked back into the change room, looked at myself again and broke down. These were happy tears this time. I kept thinking to myself "I'm back! I'm back on track! And DAMN!! I look wicked!" Then I said the same thing out loud to myself.
I have never done that before.
Here are a couple of pictures of me in my new dress. I love the way I feel and look in it.
Ben also came to town last week - it was awesome to see him and to catch up. He told me that I looked the best I have ever looked since I met him and Holly...coming from him, that means a lot. We had a great workout and it was just the "recharge" that I needed.
Sometimes, all it takes is being gentle with yourself and giving yourself credit. I know I don't give myself enough credit, and this is going to stop.
I am one amazing, strong and competent chick...and nothing is going to stop me!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Cheers!
K
The title says it all...
I have a huge addiction to peanut butter. There I said it. I think admitting it is the first step to recovery right?
I think my addiction has gotten a little out of control though. You see, I don't just have a taste - I go big or go home. I always make sure I pack it in my lunch when I'm getting ready for work in the morning - and have realized something. I've been lying to myself. Sure, I fill my little rubbermaid 3 ounce container and keep telling myself it only equals two tablespoons.
WRONG!!!!
It finally occurred to me to actually measure it properly, and it comes out to about 4 tablespoons...about 400-500 extra calories a day.
So I have since then made a promise to myself. That I am going to slowly wean myself off the stuff. I really shouldn't have it in my house...period. The next couple of weeks, I am really going to give it an honest try and eat less and less of it until I don't need it anymore. I'm going to check out this new stuff called PB2 - that lots of people are raving about.
I think I am also emotionally attached to the stuff. I know...it sounds totally silly and ridiculous, but it's true. I remember when I was in Kingergarten and Grade one - coming home at lunchtime on cold days and my Mom welcoming me home with a nice peanut butter sandwich - and hot chocolate of course :-) I loved it. I think a lot about my Mom when I eat peanut butter - we always had it in the house when we were growing up. If Mom wasn't making me a sandwich, Dad was and it was always with lots of honey too!
Somehow...I need to get over this emotional attachment. It's going to take some time and lots of patience on my part, but I will get through it.
I've also lost 15.5 lbs in 4 weeks! I'm so happy about it. I've worked really hard and really focused myself. I'm still having a few issues with hypoglycemia, but am really working hard to try and take regular breaks at work. My body is still adjusting to the drop in calories.
I got up to 224 lbs on my deadlifts too! I'm pretty stoked about it and am looking forward to going heavier in the next few weeks. Thanks to Patrick and Brian for supporting me through it. Patrick, you are amazing! Thanks!
Bring on the next four weeks!!
Well here I am again...two weeks in a row in fact.
I've had a pretty damn good week, and it ended even better this morning with the awesome news that a friend of a friend had woken up from her two week coma. She had been diagnosed with bacterial pneumonia and had to be intubated. This past Tuesday, her family had been told that all hope was lost and she was not going to wake up, and her lungs were so necrosed from the infection. Well lo and behold, this morning she opened her eyes and knew who everyone was and what was going on. It's going to be a long haul of healing for her, but at least we know she will be fine.
I saw my lap band dietitian and surgeon on Friday. I won't deny it, I was nervous and worried about how the whole thing was going to go down. I chatted for a while with the dietitian and when I told her about what my therapist had told me she was quite disappointed with what I had been told. We also agreed that I had not been coming in enough to get my fills - in other words, I had not been using my band to the fullest. By the end of our meeting, we had made a deal that I was going to make regular monthly appointments to get my fills until I had hit my sweet spot and start losing regularly. She was impressed with the fact that I had lost over 9 lbs in two weeks - but that I need to lean on them more and work my band the way it's supposed to. My surgeon agreed with all of this and was really great with me. When I told him I was considering getting my band removed, he replied with "You know Kristy, there is a reason you were chosen for this surgery. You have the determination, and perseverance and discipline to do this, so I think you just need to have more patience and work the band like it's supposed to." He gave me .4cc's and I have to say, it feels like it's the most restriction I have ever had. I now have a total of 6.6 cc's in my 10 cc band. Other than an episode with some peanut butter yesterday, I've been really cautious with what I put in my mouth and the amount I put in my mouth. I only eat until I am no longer hungry and it feels good. I hope this amount of restriction stays.
Another great thing to happen this week was that I deadlifted 215 lbs on Wednesday. I wasn't sure if I could do it, but with Patrick and Brian pushing me and supporting me to get there, I did it. It felt so good to get back to that point again. My knees felt good aftewards and the only thing to bother me a bit was my right elbow - which is kind of weird but whatever. I am hoping to up the weight by 5 lbs this week so we will see.
Also, on Friday I when I stepped on the scale, I managed to lose 1.3 lbs. That's 9.3 lbs in two weeks! I have been so careful with what I've been eating lately. I do admit, I have had a couple of minor oops's at work, but I've really tried hard to use my willpower skills :-)
This week is going to be even better...I can feel it!
Have a great week everyone!
I have to be honest here...I've been a bad blogger. I haven't kept up to date with it - I used to blog every week, and I don't really know why I've stopped, but starting today, I'm going to really try to make the effort to blog more. I find it therapeutic and it helps me with my weight loss efforts.
I've had a lot to think about as of late. For a while, I couldn't get what my therapist told me out of my head the last time I saw her. I was so angry with her. She is supposed to be a person of trust and knowledge and support. I felt none of that after I saw her. I fact, I have felt the most alone in my journey than I have EVER. Then my lap-band friend Angela sat me down and we had a good chat. She too, was also taken aback with the therapist's comments. We went over my food journals and had a good chat about everything. Then she told me something that has been resonating in my head for weeks now. "PROVE THEM WRONG." "Prove to them Kristy that you can do this...that you have it in yourself to do this and get it done." Thank you Angela...you have inspired me yet again to get back on track and work harder! Your support means the world to me.
So I've done just that. Yes it's taken me a few weeks to get over my pity party, but I'm doing it. I lost EIGHT pounds last week alone. How did I do this? I went through my food journal and figured out I was eating WAY too many carbs...and I was over-eating on the weekends too. Both of these I have managed to fix. I have also increased my cardio and have added it into EVERY workout. Also last week, I managed to sleep a heck of a lot better too. I'm not quite sure how I managed that, but I did. I also focused a lot more on saying NO to crap at work. We had a celebration for a co-worker on Thursday and I allowed myself a piece of cake..but it was a SMALL piece. Hey...you gotta start somewhere!
I had kind of a discouraging visit with my doctor on Wednesday. My knees are so painful and swollen at the moment. I asked him for a refill on my Arthrotec - to which he told me that he wanted me to cut down almost entirely on that and just take Extra Strength Tylenol! He told me the Arthrotec could cause kidney, liver and stomach issues. Then he told me to get a cane. I almost laughed out loud -- thought he was kidding. He wasn't. He also gave me another prescription for Arthrotec - but only to be taken on my "Flare up" days...which is almost every day right now...and he also gave me and rx for a new type of ointment that is loaded with analgesics. Then he got on me about my weight again. I told him I was trying my best and he just told me it was EXTREMELY critical that I get this weight off. His words have given me even more of an incentive to try harder to lose the weight and get my knees better. I am not a surgical candidate either, so it is really time for me to buckle down and get this done.
So that is where I am at right now. I am going to prove them (the lap band support group leaders) that I can do this MY way. But most of all, I am going to prove it to myself that I am capable and strong enough to get this done.
That is all. Stay tuned!
