Buckling Down...

Ok...I just looked at the calendar and realized....I have exactly 48 days until my on year Anniversary at ALIVE...some days it just seems like yesterday that I walked through the doors that have changed my life so drastically...for the better of course - it just seems like yesterday that I was telling Harvey and Kathy that in no freakin way was I going to a gym - especially to train with some trainer jock that would not care about me...

Boy was I wrong.

Ben cares about me - he cares about each and every person that walks through those doors at ALIVE...he sent me a message this week - telling me that it was time to buckle down and get serious about my weight loss - he didn`t say it in those exact words, but I knew what he meant.  I saw my doctor this week and we discussed lowering the dosage of the Seroquel that I`ve been taking - this again means that I will start to lose weight again - FINALLY.  Ben told me he wants me to get tough with the nutrition and to get focused...I have a goal in mind - it`s a short-term goal for now...I want to lose 50 lbs by the time June 5th rolls around.  It`s 20 lbs and I know I can do it!  I`ve been feeling so much better mentally - I no longer feel panicky during the day and just seem to be feeling better all around.  I am hoping to lower the medication dosage so eventually I will be off of it all together - that is another one of my goals and I KNOW I can do it.

48 days....20 lbs...I know that with more hard work I can do it...

K

Long Week...

Holy moly...I have to admit something here...It's been a REALLY rough week for me...good thing is, I have come out of it relatively unscathed... :o)


The week started out with Brian getting pneumonia...  he's been really sick and coughing a ton as of late so he finally decided it was time for him to go to the doctor...the doctor told him he must stay at home and must NOT workout..I can't imagine how bored he must be - sitting there day after day, watching TV - cause there's nothing else to do but to do that and sleep!  Good thing is, is as of yesterday, he is finally starting to feel better.


Secondly - my Gecko is sick.  The vet doesn't really know what's wrong with her other than the possibility of her having ricketts - she won't eat or drink and frankly it's driving me crazy...so I've been doing what the vet has told me to do and I've been doing forcefeeds and calcium supplements...she still hasn't eaten on her own. but I think she is close to getting better.


Thirdly, my cat Chibi is really sick...he has Hepatic Lipidosis.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a potentially fatal liver disease.  Fat cats who suddenly stop eating, end up getting most of their liver turning to fat - then they get jaundiced and nauseated and won't eat.  This, unfortunately is what is going on with Chibi.  So, we have to forcefeed him everyday and give him pills and liquid Amoxil.  My cat Simon (who has since gone to the Rainbow Bridge) had this three times in his lifetime - and we got through it...it's hard to battle, but we can do it.


So, that's my week in a nutshell...and I'm hoping things just happen in threes!


Cheers to a better week ahead!

Resilience...

Well...it has certainly been an "interesting" week to say the least.  I think I have learned more about myself in the last week than I have the last year.  Most importantly, I have finally come to realize how strong I am - I  hear a from a tonne of people about how physically strong I am - that I understand.  It's the "inner strength" that has taken me a long time to figure out.


On Monday, I probably felt the "darkest" I have in a long time.  I had zero sleep the night before (I was stressed out about Brian and his place of work) and felt horrible.  I felt like I was back in the "dark well" again...I'm imagining myself literally crawling my way up to the top - I can see the light above me....then suddenly, I slip somehow...back into the darkness.  I spent most of the day there - until a few of my friends stepped in and gave me a reality check...thank you - you know who you are. 


Needless to say, I was glad to see Veronica on Friday.  We discussed how strong I am...we discussed how resilient I am - that these "dark days" will happen from time to time, but they will only make me stronger. 


And I believe that.  I will roll with the punches....I will remain strong and confident!


And resilient!

Whoops!!

Wow...I thought I was going to update this thing every week...guess not.


I think I probably didn't update because I feel I really didn't have a whole lot of anything positive to report, and I don't have anything really horrible to comment about either. 


I look back at my last post and am amazed at how happy I was.  You see, I've had a bit of a down-spiral as of late - nothing really bad and earth shattering, but haven't really felt like myself.  I did so incredibly well with my sleep patterns in January - I felt like I was getting back to "normal"... Veronica keeps telling me that I will never go back to the way things were in my life - all I can do is just live each day the best I can. 


I think the biggest disapointment for me as of late is that I'm so FRUSTRATED with myself in regards to my medication that I'm taking.  I was hoping to be tapering off the dose and to be off of it in the next couple months.  That won't happen. In fact - I've been having to increase the dosage lately...I'm glad I get to see the doctor next week to discuss this...  I have to think realistically...I'm still having problems sleeping from time to time - BUT the panic attacks aren't nearly as bad as they were in October/November... It's a double-edged sword - If I don't take the medication, I'm up all night....If I do take it, I'm hard on myself!  I'm trying to keep thinking positively about how FAR I've come.  I need to be less hard on myself and love myself more - it's a neverending issue with me.


As far as my weight goes, I haven't weighed myself lately...I've been paying more attention to my mental health and ignoring the scale - don't get me wrong - I haven't fallen off the "Food Wagon" or anything - I've been eating pretty well actually...I'll probably hop on the scale tomorrow morning... :o)


I do have some positivity tho - I've been eating better, and have been doing well in the gym - last Monday was probably one of the BEST workouts I've had.  Ben increased the weight in pretty much everything...and I set a new personal record in my deadlifts...265 pounds!!


So...for the next while, I'm really going to try to be less hard on myself (easier said than done) and love myself more (again, easier said than done).  I'm going to try to take each day as it comes and try not to worry about the past or the future.


I'm going to move forward...

Pushing Through

Well I have to say, I've had a pretty great week!


Three Reasons:


1.  I've lost SIX (yes you saw that right) pounds total this week.  I contribute that in part mostly to the decrease in my medication - the Seroquel I was taking was making me gain an incredible amount of fluid.  I've also been VERY diligent and using my food journal that Ben bought me and writing everything that I put in my mouth.  I've been sticking to my calories too.


2.  I had a great week at work.  Great week = NO DRAMA...gotta love that.


3.  My doctor has further decreased my medication - I'm pretty happy about this.  It means that my body is starting to finally recognize what relaxing is all about.  This should also help my weight loss even further!  I also saw my therapist Veronica and she is really proud of me.  I'm proud of me.  I've gone from a scared, pathetic (sorry for saying that, but it's true) non-sleeping lump to a strong, proud, beautiful woman and I'm stoked!  I was acting quite hard on myself on Friday - and anyone that knows me knows that I am my worst enemy and am hard on myself any chance I can get.  I was talking to Veronica about it - how I want to be totally 100% better - with no meds.  She told me that I have to live in the moment and stop worrying about how I'm doing - she says I'm doing really well and to stop being so hard on myself.  So that will be something that I will work on this week.  Stop being so hard on myself.


So basically I'm pushing through  - I'm starting to become the strong, confident woman I want to be!


Weekly Weigh in:


Starting Weight:  358 lbs
Weight this Week:  323 lbs
Loss/Gain this Week:  -6
TOTAL LOSS:  35 lbs

Life Goes On...

Well...I was looking at my last post that I posted a couple of weeks ago and am shaking my head.  Man was I sad...I look at the post and find it hard to believe how "back in the dark hole" I was.  BUT it's always a new day, and I have to look forward.  I typed what I was feeling and that's the whole point of this blog.  I'm just glad I'm working through it...baby steps...


This week has been both a week of disappointment and personal growth.  The first anniversary of my mom's passing was last sunday - the 17th.  My sisters and I spent the weekend together at one of my mom's favorite hotels.  It sure was nice to be together.  I spent Sunday night out at Airdire at my sister Kathy's place...we sat in her hot tub and played with her dogs...yeah I know - I'm so not a dog person, but it was fun - and then on Monday, we had lunch with my Dad, Stepmom, and brother Rob.  It was great to see them all - I don't see my Dad nearly as much as I would like...I'm gonna change that. 


I spent most of the week with my eyes glued to my scale.  And well...it didn't move!  I'm stuck at 329 lbs and frankly it was driving me CRAZY.   I was talking to a pathologist at my work and he gave me a reality check.  The medication that I'm on is making me retain fluid and LOTS of it.  I just need to keep plugging away.  Also, Ben my trainer bought me a food journal - I'm going to write down everything I eat..everything I put in my mouth so that I can be held accountable...it's awesome and I'm looking forward to using it.


Oh yeah...and we also got our new furniture yesterday (well most of it) and I was pretty happy about that.  We are no longer having to sit on a cooler and hard chair after a day of work.  It was nice - I actually fell asleep last night in my loveseat recliner.  LOVE IT!


Positive thing is  I'm moving forward...I didn't think I would be able to, but I am.  It's a slow process, but I'm doing it. 


Life Goes On...


K

Ups and Downs

Well, it's been a pretty good start to the year.  I've lost my "Christmas Food" weight and am back on track!  I've lost six pounds this past week and feel pretty damn good about it.  On Monday, I also deadlifted 245 lbs. - which is a record for me, and I'm looking forward to increasing it.  Mentally, I've also been feeling better - for the most part. 

Today, unfortunately...I was off.

In a week...January 17th, will mark the one year anniversary of my mom's passing.  Today, would mark the last time I spoke to her.  I remember the conversation and how great it was.  I made plans to go and visit her - in fact, I was supposed to go and see her the day after we found her...I feel so empty inside...

But mostly....I hurt.  I miss her so much.  I wish she was here.  I keep having that week before, the day before and the day of her passing coming back into my mind.  It still feels so fresh to me - like a scab keeps being ripped off a festering sore.  It sucks and I hate it.  I'm tired of listening to my other friends talk about their moms cause well...I don't have one anymore.  All of this, I've talked to Veronica (my therapist) about and she tells me that it's completely normal what I'm feeling.  Well right now...at this very moment, I don't feel normal.  I feel empty...I feel cheated.


But most of all...


I feel sad.