Pushing Through

Well I have to say, I've had a pretty great week!


Three Reasons:


1.  I've lost SIX (yes you saw that right) pounds total this week.  I contribute that in part mostly to the decrease in my medication - the Seroquel I was taking was making me gain an incredible amount of fluid.  I've also been VERY diligent and using my food journal that Ben bought me and writing everything that I put in my mouth.  I've been sticking to my calories too.


2.  I had a great week at work.  Great week = NO DRAMA...gotta love that.


3.  My doctor has further decreased my medication - I'm pretty happy about this.  It means that my body is starting to finally recognize what relaxing is all about.  This should also help my weight loss even further!  I also saw my therapist Veronica and she is really proud of me.  I'm proud of me.  I've gone from a scared, pathetic (sorry for saying that, but it's true) non-sleeping lump to a strong, proud, beautiful woman and I'm stoked!  I was acting quite hard on myself on Friday - and anyone that knows me knows that I am my worst enemy and am hard on myself any chance I can get.  I was talking to Veronica about it - how I want to be totally 100% better - with no meds.  She told me that I have to live in the moment and stop worrying about how I'm doing - she says I'm doing really well and to stop being so hard on myself.  So that will be something that I will work on this week.  Stop being so hard on myself.


So basically I'm pushing through  - I'm starting to become the strong, confident woman I want to be!


Weekly Weigh in:


Starting Weight:  358 lbs
Weight this Week:  323 lbs
Loss/Gain this Week:  -6
TOTAL LOSS:  35 lbs

Life Goes On...

Well...I was looking at my last post that I posted a couple of weeks ago and am shaking my head.  Man was I sad...I look at the post and find it hard to believe how "back in the dark hole" I was.  BUT it's always a new day, and I have to look forward.  I typed what I was feeling and that's the whole point of this blog.  I'm just glad I'm working through it...baby steps...


This week has been both a week of disappointment and personal growth.  The first anniversary of my mom's passing was last sunday - the 17th.  My sisters and I spent the weekend together at one of my mom's favorite hotels.  It sure was nice to be together.  I spent Sunday night out at Airdire at my sister Kathy's place...we sat in her hot tub and played with her dogs...yeah I know - I'm so not a dog person, but it was fun - and then on Monday, we had lunch with my Dad, Stepmom, and brother Rob.  It was great to see them all - I don't see my Dad nearly as much as I would like...I'm gonna change that. 


I spent most of the week with my eyes glued to my scale.  And well...it didn't move!  I'm stuck at 329 lbs and frankly it was driving me CRAZY.   I was talking to a pathologist at my work and he gave me a reality check.  The medication that I'm on is making me retain fluid and LOTS of it.  I just need to keep plugging away.  Also, Ben my trainer bought me a food journal - I'm going to write down everything I eat..everything I put in my mouth so that I can be held accountable...it's awesome and I'm looking forward to using it.


Oh yeah...and we also got our new furniture yesterday (well most of it) and I was pretty happy about that.  We are no longer having to sit on a cooler and hard chair after a day of work.  It was nice - I actually fell asleep last night in my loveseat recliner.  LOVE IT!


Positive thing is  I'm moving forward...I didn't think I would be able to, but I am.  It's a slow process, but I'm doing it. 


Life Goes On...


K

Ups and Downs

Well, it's been a pretty good start to the year.  I've lost my "Christmas Food" weight and am back on track!  I've lost six pounds this past week and feel pretty damn good about it.  On Monday, I also deadlifted 245 lbs. - which is a record for me, and I'm looking forward to increasing it.  Mentally, I've also been feeling better - for the most part. 

Today, unfortunately...I was off.

In a week...January 17th, will mark the one year anniversary of my mom's passing.  Today, would mark the last time I spoke to her.  I remember the conversation and how great it was.  I made plans to go and visit her - in fact, I was supposed to go and see her the day after we found her...I feel so empty inside...

But mostly....I hurt.  I miss her so much.  I wish she was here.  I keep having that week before, the day before and the day of her passing coming back into my mind.  It still feels so fresh to me - like a scab keeps being ripped off a festering sore.  It sucks and I hate it.  I'm tired of listening to my other friends talk about their moms cause well...I don't have one anymore.  All of this, I've talked to Veronica (my therapist) about and she tells me that it's completely normal what I'm feeling.  Well right now...at this very moment, I don't feel normal.  I feel empty...I feel cheated.


But most of all...


I feel sad.

Happy 2010!

Happy New Year!  It's hard to believe it's the end of a decade and the start of a new one.  I am looking forward to this new year and all goodness that is going to come from it. 


I could go on and say how horrible 2009 was for me - but in reality, it was a year of personal growth and getting to know myself.  Yes, it did start off horribly - with my mom dying in January, and the months that followed I was probably the most angry I have ever been in my life.  June was definitely a turning point for me - I found ALIVE and all of the great friendships I have formed from there.  I have had some ups and downs since then, but am finally gaining the self-respect I so desperately need to get me to my weight-loss goal.


Here's to 2010!  It's going to be MY year...my year to rock it.  My year to get even closer to all my goals - physically and mentally...


Happy New Year everyone...love you all!


Kris

Perseverance....

I haven't posted in a while - mainly because I haven't had much to say...or should I say I haven't had much of anything positive to say.  Things have actually been going quite well for me mentally - I've been sleeping every night, which is a feat for me... those of you that know me, know that for the past four months, there have been nights where I haven't slept at all.  My doctor put my on some heavy duty drugs and they seem to be helping - I've been doing my hypnosis that Veronica, my therapist has suggested, and that works wonders for me.  We got all of our renovations done also - beautiful hardwood floors, and nice new shiny tile in the kitchen...and new baseboards...my workouts at the gym have been pretty kick ass - at least I would like to think so...and it's Christmas.  So why do I feel like a huge bag of shit???


I miss my mom.  I hurt inside to know she won't be here with us this year.  She should be here with us...she should be here to watch her granddaughter open her gifts.  She should be here to pick at me like she used to.  I know she is gone - and I know that she was in pain and didn't want to be here anymore.  I'm trying to "buck up" and try and be happy because it's Christmas - and I don't want to be a downer.  I've spent most of this week tearing up cause I'm constantly thinking about her.  I just want the holidays to come and go.  My therapist has suggested I do something special to remind us about her.  So...I've decided to light a candle - a candle in memory of her.  I'm going to pick out a three wick (three for each one of her daughters) one that's red.  Red and other fall colors were her favorite.  I'm also going to pick out a smaller one for Maggie to light.


Point here is I'm trying...I'm trying so freakin hard to pull it together...I know that if she were here, she would be so proud of me.  She would be proud of all of us.  One of my co-workers has been chatting a lot to me this week about my mom and the holidays.  She's been VERY supportive and caring.  She suggested that I just take my mom with me - hold her in my heart and remember the good times...remember past Christmas's that were good - like when we were growing up...we would go to Church on X-mas Eve, sing in the choir, and then come home and be together.  My mom loved music. 


So...I'm going to really try and make this Christmas a positive one.  I'm going to light the candle...I'm going to play music that she loved...I'm going to take her with me...


But most of all...I'm going to persevere.

Getting There...

Well, it's been about two weeks since I was put on stress-leave from work...I go back this Tuesday. It's weird...some days I feel like I can conquer anything...yesterday was not one of those days however. I was thinking of my mom a lot - wishing she was here. I know she's no longer in pain and in a better place, but sometimes it hurts as much as the night we found her. I know, in time, my life will get better - just wish that it wouldn't be at such a slow rate! My therapist keeps telling me not to be so hard on myself - that eventually, I will think of my mom and not feel so empty inside - that all I will think of is happy memories.


I hope I'm ready to go back to work. I feel better. I've been going to the gym almost every day and that seems to be helping. I just want to be able to feel as though I'm having a normal life.


And I'm getting there...

How it all began...

I remember that day vividly...It all started with a phone call from my brother-in-law Harvey. He started the convo by saying:




"I want you to meet someone."




Now, of course I was hesitant. Who did he want to introduce me to? Then he said: Holly and Ben from Alive Personal Training. I won't lie...I froze. I did NOT want ANYTHING to do with a gym, nevermind some crazy trainer jock barking and yelling orders at me to anything they wanted me to do! Simply put, I was NOT INTERESTED IN THE LEAST. I had been watching Brian's reactions after his visits (he had started two days before this with Damir) at Alive and saw how sore he had been the next day...but he was loving it. Harvey just kept on me, telling me that all they wanted to do was to talk to me. I agreed to come, but only on the grounds that we would just "talk" - nothing else! As far as I was concerned, I was only there for Brian (at the time) and I was going to do Curves on my own. LOL




I arrived at Alive after work - it was a Friday and simply put, I felt like CRAP. I was sad...I had lost my mom five months ago and was still in the anger stage. I had also just started a weight-loss program at the Lefebvre Clinic. Now, those of you that don't know about this clinic - they put you on extremely low levels of calories. They had Brian on 1,500 and me on 1,000. They like your body to go into ketosis - which burns fat, but not at a safe rate, and can be VERY hard on your kidneys...not a healthy way to lose weight at all. I had been following the diet all week and felt so weak that I could hardly put a sentence together! Ben took one look at me and asked Holly to get me a protein shake!




Ben took me to the back room and we talked. I wont' go into details about what we talked about, but all I will say is that it changed my life. He somehow got me to think about myself (for a change) and what I wanted to do with my life. I decided I didn't want to be "Fat Kristy" anymore.




I didn't want to be "Sad Kristy" anymore.




I signed up after that, and haven't looked back since.




It's been a bit of a whirlwind since we (Brian and I) joined Alive and it's been one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I am down almost 50 lbs and Brian is down almost 55 lbs. I am so proud of our accomplishments so far, and I know with more hard work and the support we get from our trainers, Ben, Damir and Holly, we WILL succeed!




Stay tuned....