Almost There!

Well here I am...I am exactly FIVE days away from surgery and almost done my pre-op diet.  I'm so glad it's almost over - at least the pre op part anyway...the next part of my journey is really just beginning.  Lots of people have been asking me if I'm nervous...the answer to that of course, is yes...I'm nervous about the general anesthetic and the overnight stay in the hospital.  But I know everything will go smoothly - my body is strong and healthy and I have made it that way.  I saw Veronica (my therapist) on Friday and we chatted a little about my "nervousness" and we talked about all of the "tools" I have acquired that I can use for when I get to the hospital (or wake up that morning lol) and start to get nervous...I will utilize those tools (or strategies) to the best of my ability and will do just fine.

My weight today is 305.1 lbs - I have lost 22.8 lbs since I started the pre op diet on January 20th.  Already, I am starting to notice changes in myself, not just physically - but mentally also...I'm feeling stronger than I have in a long time - I know how determined I am and know that I can do this. It was a bit of a rough week food-wise at work this week, by this I mean lots of temptations...Thursday and Friday our department had cake - and I totally got through it...was it hard?  Heck ya, but I kept saying to myself that I had come WAY too far to screw it up now...besides - I don't think any of my co-workers would even let me near the stuff anyways...they have been very supportive of me and I am grateful.   I also can't believe I've made it through almost three weeks on 900 calories a day - and I've managed to keep my workouts up - less intense than normal, but I still manage to sweat by the time it's over!

I'd would just like to thank everyone that has helped me and supported me during this  three week "learning experience."  Thank you to my friends and family that have been there to listen when I wanted to give up AND put up with my ridiculous mood swings...to my co-workers that wouldn't even let me near the "food drawer" (lol) and to my ALIVE Family who have been supporting me and helping me push through this...My trainer Ben has been so supportive and always manages to make my workouts fun, but still challenging...there were a couple of times this past week that I came to my workouts in a bad mood, but always finished with a smile on my face.  Holly has also been awesome - taking the time to chat with me and help me feel better.   I know I always say this...but I am convinced that if I had not found out about ALIVE I know I wouldn't be where I am today.  I would probably still be sitting in front of my TV - and stuffing my face with ice cream and blaming everyone but myself for the way I was. 

Now I just want to shout it out to the world how happy I am...how excited I am...

Change is a comin'!

Pre-Op Week 2

Yes!!  I made it through Week 1 of my Pre-Op diet!  One word to describe this past week - well maybe two words would be Hell and Perseverance.  The Hellish part was wanting to give up twice...I was so sick of eating green veggies and watching everyone eat whatever they wanted...watching Brian cook something simple like an egg and watching him eat it...an EGG...was my body really starving for that stupid egg or was my mind just telling me what it has for the last 20 years:  "Kristy - you can eat that egg - it doesn't matter - it will make you feel better"  For so many years, that's what I've been doing - I've been listening to my old routines in my head and just grabbing whatever food may be in reach without THINKING first.  The past eleven days have really shown me that I need to use the food as FUEL for my body and not as comfort, or just because.  Ben has been telling me this for quite a while now - and I always understood WHAT he meant...I just never tried to incorporate it into my life...I think I needed something like this to force me into that way of thinking...I need to think "Am I really hungry at this very moment?"  "Does my body need this food as fuel?" 

Anyway - something for me to keep working on... :o)

So...so far in 10 days, I have lost 16.4 lbs.  I am eleven pounds away from 300 lbs.  I would LOVE to be below 300 for my surgery.  That would be such an incredible feeling...I don't think I have been below 300 pounds in about ten years.  Oh what a feeling this will be! 

I have a feeling this week is going to go much more smoothly for me...I need to keep thinking positively and keep thinking about the end result...a completely new me!!

Pre-op

So - Thursday was the big day...I started my pre-op diet.  For those of you that don't know (which I would find hard to believe, because it's pretty much the only thing I've been talking about lately!) my diet now consists of four Opifast shakes and all of the non-starchy vegetables I want.  This equals about 900 calories a day. 

The first two days - I won't lie...were absolutely brutal.  It's been rough as I've been trying to train my brain to adjust to the fewer calories.  I was weak, headachey, tired, slow (in the head) and of course, cranky!  But I've had AMAZING support from my family, my friends, my co-workers and my other family at ALIVE.  I've been leaning on them for the support I need - I have a hard time for some reason asking for help...I've been that way for a long time...this is going to need to change for me to be successful on this journey and I will be working on it.  Yesterday, when I woke up, I felt quite a bit better and today I feel about the same so hopefully my body has finally started to adjust.  I've also kept up on my workouts - but at a much lighter, modified pace.  Ben has planned all my workouts for me which is really great...the exercise definitely helps me to feel more relaxed and balanced which I need... :-)

This week I was also reminded again, that what I'm doing is for ME...that I need to take care of myself and keep going...on Thursday, I found out that a friend from high school had passed away - he was type one diabetic, smoked, drank, and did drugs...yet another person I have known that has done this to themselves.  He was only 39 years old.  I was in shock as his obituary picture stared back at me.  Why??!  Well, only he knows why he chose the path that he did.  I am just going to keep plugging away and working hard...I have learned some hard lessons, but I have managed to turn them into learning experiences and personal gain.

I'm also learning to eat.  I know this sounds silly, but it's the truth.  Before I started the pre-op diet, I wouldn't really think about what I was putting in my mouth - it just became automatic...for instance - this past Thursday evening when I got home from the gym, I went to the fridge to grab the fixings for my shake...I was ravenous...I glanced up and immediately grabbed a container of blackberries - grabbed three of them and crammed them into my mouth - WITHOUT EVEN THINKING...as I started to chew, I realized - WTF am I doing?!  I immediately realized what I was doing, spit them out and rinsed my mouth out.  I find it amazing how we use food to soothe our emotions - I was frustrated and anxious about starting my pre-op diet - and just grabbed whatever was there - whatever would make me feel better.  I haven't done it since - I think I'm pretty aware of it now and will keep that under control... :-)

So - that's my first few days on pre-op...I really hope these three weeks fly by...I think there is only so much green beans and asparagus I can handle!

Moving Forward...

Wow...two blog posts in two days?!  What's the matter with me?  Well nothing - in fact I feel stronger than I have in a long time...I thought I would wake up this morning and start the ritual of crying about Mom, but in fact...I'm not...I'm happy and it feels kinda weird...

Perhaps I am finally moving on - moving towards that glorious level of acceptance - accepting that she is gone - but not forgetting about her.  That I will never do...

Now moving on...this week, Thursday in fact, I start my pre-op diet.  I'm excited and a little nervous...but mostly excited!  Brian and I went out to Superstore yesterday and bought my veggies - I will get my four protein drinks and the veggies and that will be it!  I will definitely be kick-starting my weight loss again - I'm excited about what I'm going to look like and feel like...I know I will have my ups and downs with this pre-op stage, but I am going to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize...and as Ben would say "I'm growing into a beautiful flower" LOL... :-)

Well stay tuned for Thursday...cause it's gonna be quite the ride!

It Won't Be Long...We'll Meet Again...

Numb and broken,

Here I stand alone,
Wondering what were
The last words I said to you
Hoping, praying that I'll find a way
To turn back time,
Can I turn back time?

What would I give to behold.
The smile the face of love,
You never left me,
The rising sun
Will always speak your name.

Numb, I'm broken
Here i stand alone.
Wondering the words,
The last words I said to you
It won't be long
We'll meet again...

What would I give, to behold
The smile, the face of love?
You never left me
The rising sun
Will always speak your name

It won't be long, we'll meet again
Your memory is never passing
It won't be long, we'll meet again
My love for you is everlasting.

I mourn for those who never knew you
I mourn for those who never knew you

It won't be long, we'll meet again
Your memory is never passing
It won't be long, we'll meet again
My love for you is everlasting.

It won't be long, we'll meet again..
It won't be long, we'll meet again..

Lyrics from the song Rose of Sharyn - Killswitch Engage

Tomorrow will be two years since you left us Mom...some days seem like it was just yesterday, and the hurt and anger and pain is sometimes too hard for me to take, but I AM getting stronger and know that eventually those feelings will diminish and all I WILL think about are good memories that we shared...it won't be long...we'll meet again. 

The 10 Commandments of Lap-Band

I can't take credit for this and I got if off a post from a lap band forum website and thought it was very funny! however....they are good rules to pledge to for my surgery. I think I will post it on my fridge!



I also saw the Pre-Admission Clinic this morning at the Peter Lougheed Centre.  The appointment went very well...my blood pressure has come down yet again since my visit in late November.  They also feel I will have no problems with the surgery and I'm strong and fit! 

When I think back to two years ago....I think about how pathetic I was...how angry and thought the whole world owed ME because I was fat.  I felt it was everyone else's fault that I was the way I was and that I deserved this surgery...Now it's like I've done a 360...I can't believe how far I have come.  I was chatting with Holly last evening - telling her how excited I am about my surgery and how much MORE my body will be able to move!  I'm excited with what I'm going to be capable of...

I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself!!!  Bring on February 11th!

Anyway...enjoy the 10 Commandments...they are worth a giggle...or two!

The Lap Band 10 Commandments

1. Thou shalt consume thy protein first, followed by thy veggies and fruits. If thou, then hast any room left thou shalt comusme thy carbs lastly!



2. Thou shalt take the tiniest of bites, placing thy fork and thy spoon upon thine table, that thou shalt have more time between bites to savor that which thou hast eaten, and allow thy stomach adequate time to inform thy brain of thine fullness.


3. Thou shalt chew and chew and when thou has done so, thou shalt chew some more, lest thy band rise up and smite thee,causing in thy chest great pain, and spewing forth.


4. Thou shalt drink of thy water, copiously, consuming all that has been recommended to thee, that thou mayest be spared the pangs of hunger and dehydration, and thou shalt thus, also keep thy kidneys well flushed, that thou shalt not develop stones to aggrieve thee.


5. Thou shalt exercise in a manner that thou mayest choose, of thine own accord, providing that thou art faithful to thine execise regimen,that thou shalt not falter on thy journey to thine smaller self.


6. Thou shalt honor thy band and maintain it well, that it shalt be a steadfast friend to thee throughout thine entire life. Thou wilt,from time to time, as thou hast been told, obtain for it the fills that it needest that it may then help thee in thy hours of need, keeping it always in perfect adjustment for thine benefit.


7. Thou shalt not worry and gnash thy teeth, becoming aggrieved at those times when thy losses seemingly stop and thy weight remaineth constant, remembering then that thou tookest long to acquire thine pounds, and that thy pounds must then take time for loss.


8. Thou shalt maintain a log or dairy of thine measurements, that thou mayest truly perceive the effect of they band when thine scale doth pause in it's downward progress.


9. Thou shalt join into and participate within thy local support community, for without the input, experience and love of they fellow bandsters, thou shalt have a much more difficult time in thy journey, and when thou art well upon thy road, thou shalt then likewise assist those who followest in thine footsteps that they too might be successful in their own diminishment.


10. Thou shalt beware of thine " soft caolries syndrome", keeping always in thy mind that thou canst thus sabotage thine efforts and thine investment and lead thee then therefore into depression and guilt. As once stated "Just because thou canst, it meaneth not that thou shouldith".

So Long Seroquel...

Wow...I did it...I made it through Christmas fairly unscathed...Christmas Eve was spent working until 3pm, then Brian and I went to a movie as I needed to get my mind of off things.  Christmas Eve was always a time my Mom loved and I missed her.  We saw The Fighter - wicked awesome movie and I would recommend everyone see it!  Christmas Day was spent resting as I had a headache from withdrawing from yeah you guessed it - Seroquel...but I am so very proud of myself - I can now say I'm officially OFF the stuff!  It's been a long fourteen months, and it did its job for what I needed it for...but now it's time...time for me to become stronger!   The rest of my X-mas was spent with other family and friends.  They took great care of me - thank you so much...you know who you are :-)

Also, my surgery date has been post-poned to February 11th...at first I was a little disappointed, but it's all good...I think it's just the anticipation of the whole thing and really - I just want to get it done and start my new life with my new body, and mind!

So long Seroquel! - I'd like to say it's been great...but I don't need you anymore!